need unbiased opinions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
need unbiased opinions
11
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:36pm
Is it normal for ex spouses to get together and do things with their kids (ie-movies) without their new spouses?

My BF does things like this and says its for the kids but I cannot get past my jealousy and thinking its not healthy for the kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:46pm

I think it is okay for a person to still be friends with their Ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 12:59pm
In my personal experience, this is not normal. I am divorced with two boys ages 9 and 13. Their father is in a lt relationship. I would not DREAM of attending a movie with just my ex-hubby and the kids. Never entered my mind. I keep him well informed of all school activities, including conferences and school plays, as well as after school activities such as karate classes, belt testing ect. He and his so are ALWAYS invited.

My ex and I get along great. I have no problem with his girlfriend and she is (finally) pleasant to me. Doesn’t mean I want to go see a movie with either of them frankly!!!! He would find it weird too!!


I’m not sure how old the kids you mentioned are, but I don’t think this is something done on the norm….doesn’t mean that its wrong, every parent has to decide what is the best way to handle divorce and children. Maybe they think that this is best????

My concern is not the fact that the go out with the kids to movies, but that they don’t invite the new SO….why not? I would think this would confuse the kids –

Just my thoughts. Raising children after a divorce can get complicated. Sometimes parents “over compensate” and can make it worse.

Talk to your boyfriend – calmly and without accusing him. You don’t thing there is something STILL going on with his ex do you?????

Sorry to ramble – good luck

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:15pm
I agree with playnice. I too find it weird. My ex once asked me to go with him to check out a school for our son. No way. I thought it was the strangest thing, espeically in light of how he really felt about me and our divorce.

Also, depending on the ages of the kids, this might be feeding their hope that someday their parents will get back together. All kids have this fantasy at one point or another and I personally don't think it's a good thing to send them the wrong message and get their hopes up.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:15pm

No, it's not "normal", and I wouldn't find it acceptable in an SO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 2:18pm

is he your BF or husband? that was not clear from your post. also, how long have you been together with him, do you have kids from a previous marriage, and do his kids live with him or with their mother.


anyway, I don't think its bad or good - i think that each family has to make their decision about what EVERYONE is comfortable with. if you and he are in a committed relationship, and you have a relationship with his kids, then you should be included in outings. I could see the bio-parents geting together for birthday parties, school outings, ball games etc. somehow I don't think i would be comfortable with movies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 5:41am
I'm going to go against the grain here, probably because I have some 2nd hand experience of it - my brother and his ex-wife often get together for lunch with their daughter - a lot of people find it very weird, but when I ask my brother (who by the way, has absolutely NO intention of EVER going back to the ex) he says he's doing it for his daughter so that she gets to have both her parents around sometimes - he feels that by being on friendly terms with the ex, it will positively impact his daughter and he'll be more likely to remain on good terms with the ex and therefore continue to have the kind of access he wants to his daughter and the flexibility that comes when two people are working together to do right by their child(ren). I wonder though, what will happen when either of them get into a serious relationship...

Don't be insecure - yes, it's a bit odd and not the norm, but like my brother, perhaps they just want to do right by their children?

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 5:43pm
It encourages the normal children of divorce fantasy of their parents getting back together. Why not ask your BF if that is what he intends to do?

Maybe you could also ask yourself why you have a boyfriend who goes on a date with another woman? Because that is what they did, they went on a date with the kids in tow (not very romantic to see a Disney flick but they were still together) AND she is the other woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:34am
Sorry City, but how do you know it was a date? Do you have children? Are you divorced with children? Unless you've been in that situation, don't tell the poster it's a date when you have absolutely no knowledge that it is.

As I said, I have a brother in this position and I can tell with one hundred percent certainty that when he and his ex-wife are together it is sometimes difficult, but there is NEVER anything romantic going on and neither party (I'm very good friends with his Ex) has ANY intention of EVER getting back together. They are just trying to give their daughter a sense of normalcy and having both her parents in the same place from time to time, which is not encouraging any kind of fantasy.

Don't stir the pot unless you really know what you're talking about.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-1999
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 4:54am
I don't think the term "normal" applies here. All divorce situations are unique and each couple has to figure out the best way to parent their children TOGETHER. It is definitely in the child's best interest for the parents to be cordial and even friendly with each other. Outings with both parents are great for kids (most important around birthdays, school events, special occasions, etc.) My suggestion would be to ask him about the circumstances of why he chose the particular outings he did. Was there something special about this movie? Was this a regular routine for them before the divorce and they are trying to keep it going now? Or perhaps a movie is a safe place to go with the ex knowing conversation is impossible, the kids are in the middle, and you can't fight? Figure out what your discomfort is (you feel left out, you are concerned about fidelity, you don't think it is good for the kids) and talk it over with him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 7:57pm
Thanks all for your reassuring posts.

A little history:

together 1.6 yrs., living together for 9 months. When we started going out, his ex was living in the basement and sometimes at her BF's. They barely got along then. As soon as she moved out things got a little better. Her and I tried to be friends but currently we are no longer...life got messy and she threw some nasty accusations at me. I personally believe she is not over him and uses the kids as leverage with him. She calls him 2-3 times daily..and he sees her almost everyday because they have joint custody. also she sends him email that has nothing to do with the kids. I know he has no romantic feelings for her but I dont trust her...

Right now she is doing/saying things to him that shes doing just to piss me off. She calls him nicknames, hugs him in front of me...and the constant phoning. It makes me sick. I told him I thought it was excessive...hes not so sure. He thinks I am over-reacting but he is not in my shoes.

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