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Need ur opinion!!
| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:26pm |
alright so i posted on here before. I think the last time was when i wasnt engaged anymore. I gave him back the ring. And told him i was moving out. Well i didnt move out. Once things cooled I realized i wanted ot be with him. At first he didnt want me to stay and eventually he cooled and agreed. Well during that argument he told me he wasnt sure if i was the one anymore. That he didnt know what he wanted. This was after i flipped and gave him back the ring. Well we just had a argument again. We fight like once a month. But our fights always go to far. To the point were we talk about breaking up. Well he said it again that he didnt know what he wants, that asking me he feels was a bad decision. He felt forced into it. He said he loves me but "doesnt know whats wrong with him." This is a guy that rushed having sex me, rushed me wanting to move in with him after 3 months, got the ring at three months showed my parents, and talked about it to me all the time. I mean the talk was over kill. He had ample time to think about what he really wanted with how many times it was discussed. At that time I wasnt ready. And i didnt at that time want to move in with him i did it because he really wanted me too. Well this is the same guy that a 1yr later is so unsure. I was thinking maybe because now i finally stepped up and am getting into the whole marriage thing. Maybe it scared him. Because before i didnt care. But no one forced him into asking me. He made the big deal. Would tell everyone he has a ring hes going to ask me. But now hes not sure what he wants anymore? Its just so odd. We fight like brother and sister. But we both love each other unconditionally. The fizz in the relationship has died down. Like i guess it does after a yr. So im thinking that may be it too. We are both still attracted to each other. I am more than ever. But with our jobs it makes it hard for us to find time for each other "in that way" more than twice a week. Im just wondering from everyone's perspective, What is going on here. I mean he was totally over the top with being with me for the rest of his life..to the point it would almost scare me off..now its like hes not sure.. How is that possible/ And do you think that this might mean its over for him but he loves me so thats why hes staying? Im lost...

Three months is a little to ofast to do much of anything, and you guys were already angaged to bemarried!I think that you both need some time away from each other to figure out exactley what BOTH of you need.If someone is always using the break up thing as an excuse everytime you argue\, then maybe you need to take a closer look as to why hes saying that all of the time.
Communication is key to a relationship.You need to be able to voice your concerns with out being threatened, as does he.
Sex isn't love - it's I want physical gratification. It's not an emotionally bonding experience unless both people place prioritization on an emotional bond based on respect and admiration of one another PRIOR to the act of sex.
In a state of infatuation - where he felt so great about himself and his life based on your attention - he "rushed". Towards sex, towards cohabitation, towards a ring purchase, a familial discussion and a proposal. He rushed not towards "you" as an individual out of respect and admiration for your values, successes, priorities and beliefs -he rushed towards what you represented in terms of his life - that "feeling of feeling great, powerful, and invincible that your attention to him inspired him him - about himself."
He wanted that feeling above all else....he hadn't had it before to this extent, or at least in awhile. That "feeling" isn't love....it's an intense feeling of positive self-image...meaning the more powerful it it is - the more lacking in self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-acceptance the person is. Infatuation doesn't "inspire" people to action - unless they're emotionally driven and that indicates a lack of self-esteem.
Which is why people advise you NOT to rush into sex unless you don't equate it with emotional bond, or cohabitation, or comingling of families or funds - for at least 3-9 months of any new relationship or dating liason.
In the heat of infatuation - which he thought would be a never ending self-perception for him based on you in his life - he rushed towards all of this and while you grudgingly accepted - you accepted. You comingled, cohabitated, intertwined, and interspersed your future and destiny with him.
HE's emotionally driven and you can't control life or life's situations. A year or so later - there is no way that your attention and desire inspires the "self-greatness" feelings it once did and now you're in constant conflict about values, priorities, standards, and boundaries so there is just as much "negative feeling" about himself in being found wrong, lacking, or inappropriate by you - as there was positive feeling when he could do no wrong in your eyes and you let him know it.
You two haven't developed a relationship out of respect and admiration of each other as individuals. You've developed a relationship based on feelings - which are not goals, calls to action, facts, or used ot determine what to do in situations. And now you're both constantly responding to the feelings - as if they were facts, goals, or calls to action.
Face it - neither of you are who you want to be, and together both of you are doubly disappointed in who you are and where you are in life - you both thought a relationship would 'get you somewhere or make you someone" - and it doesn't and it won't.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Mairrage is a decision that you and I know should not be made that quickly.
But right now he is really jerking you around. And you are losing your nerves and losing your health. I know you don't want to hear this right now but you need to leave. I am going through the same thing right now and making myself a real jerk by staying. Think about it.... are you really happy staying or are you just tortured by what's going on?
You are tortured right? Well if you are does it matter whether you are tortured with him or some where else.
Think about this too. If there is really any way to make it work right now then you need to leave. Someone has to be grown up here. (don't get me wrong I know how hard it is). My live in just left me and I have called him several times sobbing. Each time I see him he only hurts me more. I have decided that I would rather drop dead than call him again. Because until you get what you want... and for you that is a ring and a date. You will be miserable. At least if you get away from him you have a chance to stop being miserable in a month or two... Right???
Good luck girl. I am in your boots and I hear ya. It feels like someone died when you are breaking up.
Good luck to you both!
Its just if you would have known how he was. even my family and co workers who know him are confused. And cheating is not a option here. He doesnt have the time, or a way of pulling it off. And I have harassed him about that to the point that if it was true and with our fights it would have come out already. I'd love to hear more advice. Cause you all made alot of sense. Thankyou
lex