Need Urgent Advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2008
Need Urgent Advise
14
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 5:00pm

HI Everyone,

My name is Ashley. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and known him in general for almost 5. I love him so much. We have been through a lot. His mom passing away, my mom having brain surgery, and very recently my grandfather passing away. We always comfort one another through hard times and also share many common interests. We know how to take care of each other and everything that makes one another happy. I love pretty much everything about this man. He swears I am his perfect soul mate and I feel the exact same. I have one more semester left in college and I plan to live with and eventually marry him shortly thereafter. I have lived with him in his new apartment during the last month while on my break from school. On Sunday, I return back to school which is 2 hours away.

Here's the issue:
3 months into our relationship, I was trying to make an away message on his computer, but he uses some weird AIM program, so I ended up in his recent conversations. I almost peed my pants. He was talking to four different girls, some of them were his ex-gfs all about sex and what he'd like to do with them... yadda yadda yadda. So, I flipped out at him. Told him he couldn't be having conversations like that while dating me. He cried and apologized and said he didn't think anything of it and that I am his number one and only. He said I could trust him.. actually made me promise to trust him. We haven't had any real issues since then...

Now here is the part that makes me really guilty. If I have ever brought it up, he tells me that he apologized already and he doesn't believe I can really trust him. I do not trust him though. I wish I could.. but I can't. So, I check his email every once in a while, his call history and text messages. There hasn't been anything alarming until I went to check his e-mail the other day for the first time in months.

He wrote to an ex-gf. One of the ones that he had been naughty chatting with 2 years ago. It started out as an innocent email, friendly... and nothing that would alarm me. But then at the end he wrote how he loved how kinky she was and misses that. Also, that he must have her handcuffs around here somewhere. He wrote that he lives on his own and loves it. She wrote back friendly.. didn't even mention the dirty stuff he said and kept it on a friend level. She wrote about her boyfriend and how it isn't working out. But she did write for him to e-mail her daily so she has something to look forward to. So, today I checked his email and he wrote back. Again, started out friendly.. he never mentions that he is in a relationship still (she knew this) but then saying she is so beautiful, he misses her and that even though she looks innocent, he knows shes not. I just got home and now his e-mail password is changed.

I want to bring it up, but he is going to completely flip out when he knows that I have snooped. I don't blame him for this. I am awful for checking into what he does. It really brings tears to my eyes that I couldn't help myself, but more than that... it brings tears to my eyes that he says he wants to marry me, calls my parents Mom and Dad, and that I have been planning to live with him right after I graduate. I don't know what to do. I do not want to lose him. We are perfect together and I don't know me without him in my life anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2008
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 5:52pm
I hope someone gives me feedback. He will be home from work soon and I don't know if I should pack up and leave before hand, stay to talk or pretend I know nothing. Please help me. I have no one I can tell about this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 6:55pm

I don't think you have much choice but to let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 6:58pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 01-23-2008 - 9:43pm

You shouldn't trust him. He betrayed your trust big time, and continues to. As far as I'm concerned, he cheated on you. Badly.

You should not have a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2008
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 10:49am

I made dinner and it was waiting for him when he got here. He hardly spoke to me and said he didn't like mushrooms so he wouldn't eat it. I tried asking him about his day and got nothing out of him. He was just glued to basketball and his laptop.

So, I went in our bedroom and watched tv myself for the night. I fell asleep and woke up because he was next to me looking at my cell phone. Apparently, a friend had called but I think he was looking at my text messages too. (yes, I had written to one friend about it)

He came in to bed at 11. I couldn't take it any longer... not only was I uncomfortable with how we were being together, I was uncomfortable knowing I invaded his privacy and actually found something disturbing.

I sat up and said that we needed to talk. He didn't look at me at all, kept his eyes on the tv and said about what. I told him about us and that there was something important I needed to tell him. Then, I got upset because I really do feel bad for checking his email.

I cried to him that I checked his email while he was sitting next to me the other day. Told him I didn't know why I did it, but I just did. I said that I was very surprised and upset to see that he was e-mailing his ex-girlfriend. He didn't even flinch through all of this. He said why, they were good friends once. I told him I don't care if he writes to see where life has taken her, how she is, but it makes me upset to see him mentioning sex and their history together. I asked him what he needs from her that I'm not giving him. He said nothing, I am everything to him. He kept saying, though, that he didn't understand why I was so upset about it.. it's not like he meeting up with her in person. I told him that it felt like he was seeking attention from another woman, that I wasn't good enough. And I said that it is completely inappropriate to discuss sex with an ex-girlfriend.

He didn't say anything and I was sick to my stomach, so I went out on the couch. Then, it started hitting him that I read his e-mail. That I went into his account and checked up on him. He got really mad. Came out and argued that what I did was worse. Said that I may have trust issues with him, but how is he supposed to trust me now. I just kept apologizing for it. He said if he is such a bad boyfriend, why don't I just dump him. My stomach completely turned at that point because the last thing I want is to end our relationship... I really see myself marrying him.

I took a shower because I felt awful. I couldn't breathe from crying and I was so nauscious from the whole thing. Afterwards, I came back out on the couch and he came out and sat next to me. He said I needed to come to bed... I told him no, I want to stay away from him right now. Then, he told me the best thing for us right then was for us to go to bed. So, I went in there. He said he wanted to scream at me, but he can't because he loves me too much. He asked me what I wanted to do about all of this. I told him I don't care if he writes to her, but that there has to be a line. He is in a relationship and he didn't even bother to mention it. Told him that there is a huge difference between "how is your job" and "you were so kinky- I still have your handcuffs." I said I obviously have trust for him or I couldn't have spent a year and a half away in college without any question. I told him I wanted his word that he won't write sexual things to her or anyone.. that I am his girlfriend and he should respect me enough to do that.

Somehow, things seemed to be okay. He told me he loves me and he would never do something that would hurt me, but that this is what happens when you invade someone's privacy- a can of worms. His dad cheated on his mom when she was really sick with cancer.. so he promised that he would never cheat on me because he saw how it hurt his mom. I told him that I just don't want to feel like he has some connection to another woman through email. It hurts.

We ended up embracing for most of the night. When I got upset, he would squeeze me and tell me I am his world and he won't do anything to screw it up.. that I have to trust him.

So, my question now is.. how do I ease my mind and trust him? I feel like there's no reason not to.. but a part of me is so inquisitive. Has anyone here been able to get past something like this? I read other posts and I don't know what I would do if he really cheated on me, but this is different.. not as huge of a deal, so I don't know where to go with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 11:45am

Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 4:48pm
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck.
What he says to you and what he does is very different. You need to turn down the volume on the TV set and watch what the actors are doing. You have to believe in the action and ignore the words to see what is really going on in your relationship. He says all the right stuff to quiet you, but then he goes behind your back and starts up an inappopriate liason with someone he obviously feels attracted. More than once. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...?
It doesn't matter that you love him. This is a man who has PROVEN to you that he feels entitled to fudge a little around fidelity. Many people have cyber affairs and it never gets to meeting in person. That doesn't mean that they haven't stepped out of their primary relationship and that they aren't cheating. I think your boyfriend believes since he isn't actually touching her, it's not cheating. But it is because it's stepping out to get a sexual stroke outside.
This is the beginning of your relationship. The time where you're supposed to be laughing and having a good time. You are instead trying to get this man to change his ways because this straying isn't acceptable. Get out now before you put in more time in a relationship that isn't healthy for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 4:59pm
Welcome to the board magentablue and thanks for participating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 5:49pm

What a prince.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2007
Fri, 01-25-2008 - 12:08am
I'm sorry, but I think you are being extremely naive. You think you have "no reason not to" trust your boyfriend? Um, you have EVERY reason not to trust him. He has a proven track record of lying and emotional infidelity. Under no circumstances would a guy who is truly faithful ever write things like "you were so kinky," etc. etc. NEVER. Your boyfriend has problems. I know you love him and I know it's hard, but I really feel you are turning a blind eye to something that is right in front of you. I also think you know that you won't ever be able to fully trust someone who has betrayed you numerous times.

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