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| Wed, 01-23-2008 - 5:00pm |
HI Everyone,
My name is Ashley. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and known him in general for almost 5. I love him so much. We have been through a lot. His mom passing away, my mom having brain surgery, and very recently my grandfather passing away. We always comfort one another through hard times and also share many common interests. We know how to take care of each other and everything that makes one another happy. I love pretty much everything about this man. He swears I am his perfect soul mate and I feel the exact same. I have one more semester left in college and I plan to live with and eventually marry him shortly thereafter. I have lived with him in his new apartment during the last month while on my break from school. On Sunday, I return back to school which is 2 hours away.
Here's the issue:
3 months into our relationship, I was trying to make an away message on his computer, but he uses some weird AIM program, so I ended up in his recent conversations. I almost peed my pants. He was talking to four different girls, some of them were his ex-gfs all about sex and what he'd like to do with them... yadda yadda yadda. So, I flipped out at him. Told him he couldn't be having conversations like that while dating me. He cried and apologized and said he didn't think anything of it and that I am his number one and only. He said I could trust him.. actually made me promise to trust him. We haven't had any real issues since then...
Now here is the part that makes me really guilty. If I have ever brought it up, he tells me that he apologized already and he doesn't believe I can really trust him. I do not trust him though. I wish I could.. but I can't. So, I check his email every once in a while, his call history and text messages. There hasn't been anything alarming until I went to check his e-mail the other day for the first time in months.
He wrote to an ex-gf. One of the ones that he had been naughty chatting with 2 years ago. It started out as an innocent email, friendly... and nothing that would alarm me. But then at the end he wrote how he loved how kinky she was and misses that. Also, that he must have her handcuffs around here somewhere. He wrote that he lives on his own and loves it. She wrote back friendly.. didn't even mention the dirty stuff he said and kept it on a friend level. She wrote about her boyfriend and how it isn't working out. But she did write for him to e-mail her daily so she has something to look forward to. So, today I checked his email and he wrote back. Again, started out friendly.. he never mentions that he is in a relationship still (she knew this) but then saying she is so beautiful, he misses her and that even though she looks innocent, he knows shes not. I just got home and now his e-mail password is changed.
I want to bring it up, but he is going to completely flip out when he knows that I have snooped. I don't blame him for this. I am awful for checking into what he does. It really brings tears to my eyes that I couldn't help myself, but more than that... it brings tears to my eyes that he says he wants to marry me, calls my parents Mom and Dad, and that I have been planning to live with him right after I graduate. I don't know what to do. I do not want to lose him. We are perfect together and I don't know me without him in my life anymore.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown. Thanks.

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My emoticon is "Angry" but not at you Ashley726, but that you're allowing your emotions to control you. You need to control your emotions.
I agree with what others have said about his tendcies toward infidelity.
The reason he is angry with you for snooping is due to a cheater's mantra- DENY, DENY, DENY. As long as you are feeling guilty for what *you* did, he doesn't have to address what *he* did. It also plays into his hand since you then feel like you did something as bad as he did. WRONG! Snooping is not always a bad thing. If you had not snooped, you would be going on as though none of this had ever happened. Being blind is not a good thing.
He is NOT taking responsibility/owning what he has done to you and to the relationship. Until and unless he does this, your relationship stays where it is. He continues to be a cake eater. Why wouldn't he? What have the consequences been? He still has you. He still has them. What has he lost?
IMO, he needs to have NO CONTACT with all of these women. The contact is obviously too much for him to handle being "just friends," which is almost always true in a cyber-affair or emotional relationship. He can't be "just friends."
Also, IMO, once a person has cheated on you 2-3 times, it is a case of "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't believe that as a general policy, but I do believe it is true in a habitual/serial cheater.
Run, don't walk, run away from this man. He is nothing but heartache now and always for you. He will always remain so. You will never have trust in him again since his behaviors will continue.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. The other part of this is taking care of YOU. Taking care of YOU includes figuring out why you were drawn to a man like this. This may mean a lot of reading and introspective thinking. It may mean individual counseling. Whatever it means, YOU are worth it!
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