Need a vibrator, so the therapist says..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Need a vibrator, so the therapist says..
4
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:27pm
So my dh & i are in major marriage counseling ... have seen her 3 times. LOTS of issues. None of which WE ever thought were sex related. So today she asks how our intimate life is ... hello? WHAT intimate life? He is on AD's, low sex drive, we have a toddler, we work oppisite shifts, he is an alcoholic but hasnt drank in 5 months, we have ISSUES! ... & when he was drinking the past 7 years together, it was the LAST thing we did if he was drunk b/c *I* refused - we told her we have sex a few (?4?) times a year the past few years, maybe 6 times on a good year ... & thats pushing it, & that we even went 13 months w/o sex at one point a couple years ago. It actually sort of seems "ok", as crazy as it sounds b/c neither of us is begging or refusing ... its just sort of not "there". I know, SAD. We are 36 & 39!

So ... what HE (dh) says next sort of stuns me: "She doesnt have orgasms anyway". 1st off i was shocked that he even sort of cared ... remembered ... or if he was saying it to be mean. But i dont think it was to be mean after what the therapist said. She asked me some ?, & i admitted that No, i have never had an orgasm. Not just one not during intercourse, never one at ALL & i had a LOT of sexual experience from age 19-25 when i met my dh! But when questioned, I did tell her that yes, i most certianly have had obvious orgasms in dreams once & a while (& i LIKE em'! lol). She asked why i or he, woudlnt think that this is a HUGE issue? I told her i think we just sort of got used to it & gave up. Intercourse, when we have it is "nice" ... pretty good ... & we are pretty much very affectionate on a daily basis (when not bickering) & when we sleep we hold each other, etc - it just sort of hasnt been an issue in say the last 4 years of our 5 yr marriage. We dont talk about it or "do" anything about it - we go thru the motions, but nothing really "happens" for me. Sheesh, looking at it in print is sad!

So ... she said that without INTIMACY, there is no godo basis for our marriage & that even though we dont THINK it is affecting us, we are falling apart at the seems as a couple & this issue isnt helping. She told me "I want you to go & get a vibrator & start working on this" & she said she wants me to see a GYN & be honest & tell him whats up & be checked out ... but if i can have an O in a dream, & its real, i can feel teh contractions, etc - then it woudlnt be physical, do you think? ANyway, i told her that there was too much going on now (there REALLY is) to add THIS in now ... & that i dont WANT to work on the sexual stuff now w/ him b/c there is too much anger & not enough trust ... SHE said "Not together, YOU ... alone". Yikes! lol DH was all for it - i got the feeling that he sort of just gave up - b/c i did.

So, what do you think? We do love eachother - there is just a lot of crap in the way - no cheating or anything - but the alcohol has been a huge issue but he is doing pretty well w/ that, so i am not as angry - & we are really trying. Maybe she had something there. Maybe not having the intamacy is like a merry-g-round we cnat get off: no orgasms, less sex drive, less reason to want sex, built up anger, resentment ....

So ... the BIG ? What the HECK kind of vibrator should i get? Any ideas? I assume i would like one w/ an "internal" part (eg: a penis!) but i know i need clitoral stimulation as well. Where do i even START once i get it ! Yikes! She said that i NEED to have accomplished at least buying one by next week.

Thanks for your input, C

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:05am
Well, what kind is going to depend on you. There are so many choices. You have a choice of how to buy too. You can do it all online - or check out the sex toy shops. I m not sure whats in your area, but I know the ones around us are very tasteful. You dont feel sleazy for being there. And of course you need clitoral stimulation!!!! You can find them with double "heads" or different "covers" you can put on the vibrator for a different "feel". The choices are endless....go have fun with it!!!!


As for this being an issue, I would think it is. Of course if you havent actually experianced an orgasim, you dont know what your REALLY missing - LOL. I have heard that the first step to having an orgasim during sexual intercourse is to be able to have one while pleasing yourself. You have to know what works before you can show him.

I understand there is alot going on right now, but this could be the fun part!! You dont have to include hubby right now. Just work on yourself sexually. He will see that your willing to make this part better and believe me you will be more intimate then ever. It will give you a great bond if you can be sexually intimate with your husband and truly and fully enjoy it all. PLUS he will feel like "the man"... I think its a wonderful idea and you should not stress over it... enjoy it. Make it your playtime. Include him later when you really get the "hang of it" LOL DONT make it work or stressfull. Have fun with it.....

I am so glad to hear that you both are into making this relationship work!!! When most would walk away. Good luck to you and let us know what happens...

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:58am
If you too embarassed to go to a sex shop with toys - consider getting a massager to start. Like from Sav-on's (drug store) next to the curling irons I believe - Dr Scholl's makes a foot massager - round head, two speed, for clitoral stimulation. No one has to know you aren't buying it for your feet. LOL Other massagers are flat with different textured heads. And use your fingers for inside stimulation. Then when you feel brave enough to go to a sex store --- oh, hey wait, check online too, then you don't have to go into a store.... then go for a dildo later. They make some with two parts - one for outside and one for inside.


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:35pm
I think that your therapist is on the right track. I didn't have an O until I started having sex with my husband. I had been with a few other men, and sex was nice and I enjoyed it, but I had never had an O. When I had one, I finally realized what the big deal was. If you can figure out what makes you tick, and teach your husband to do it, then you will be on your way.

I've never had a lot of luck with vibrators, but I have had some luck with other things. The best invention EVER is the shower head massage on a hose - you know the kind that has the long hose and you can take off the bracket that holds it? It works great for rinsing the shower walls but it's even better when used for pleasure - if you get my drift.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:55pm


Click here:

http://www.goodvibes.com/

It is a San Francisco store geared toward women and not just a sex toy shop. It is really popular.