Need a womans opinion please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Need a womans opinion please
4
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:31am
HI and please leave me with your opinion if u view this post. After 3 months my wife staying with her sister, and most weekends with me, which were great times together on weekends, she moved home this past monday. She has been on meds for 3 months dealing with depression and peri menopuse, My weekend affair, and a few months online with the same woman, lead my wife to apparently deal with this last summer, begiining to want to pay me back, get involved with another man, married, but she says it never got intimate and then after than, began enjoying mens attention thru her workplace. During the time she left, Jan, she told me it was all fantasy on her part and admiitted to wanting to hurt me back. During the time she was staying with her sister , i contemplated stopping her from coming home on weekends. However, when i told her monday i was diagnosed with early stages of colon cancer, she said she was coming home, i said no that she wasnt ready but she argued these points, she loved me,and she didnt wanna lose me and that she wanted to help me as i helped her thru the depression. She also said she needed to smarten up and quit shutting out the ppl she loves. I gave in and let her come home. We discussed her no sex desire and agreed to let the weekends be our time and also she asked me to ler her heal or find her full heart of love for me at her pace, dont smother her and so on and i havent and wont. Last night she was late getting home from shopping and yes i was worried and wondering why. I called her sisters, 10 minutes away and she said she left over an hour ago so i called her workplace and she just left there, When she got home, i questioned her and she said she stopped to see our sister in law but i knew that was a lie and she admitted to me, talking to a freind (male) and said thats all he is. This is the sort of thing she has been doing the last few months and promised to stop. Im not a jealous man but i dont like lies.We argued and i told her that if she came home to help me thru my illness and thats all, then i didnt want her here. She said she wssnt leaving that she cared for me and loved me, but not love me the same.I have known this for awhile. She said she wasnt giving up her freinds and that is all it is. We went to bed in separate rooms both mad and hurt. This morning I Told her that it wasnt right coming home, making me feel like she wants to be here for us and not my illness. Once again, she said there was nothin more important in life than helping me and that she cared and loved me, again, not the same as she use to and asked me to let her deal with her problems at her pace and also said, she is going to stop doing things she knows is not right. I am lost as to whether to believe her or trust her. I know depression can and does affect a persons feelings, but this is scary.. Please someone help me out here Thx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:33am
Anyone who wishes to email me please do jad_47@hotmail.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:26am
Hi Jad. Im sorry that you are sick. I had cervical cancer until my hysterectomy, so I can relate to the worries and fears and such. My heart goes out to you.

Ok, with this, where you cheated you pretty much devastated her is my guess, and she is the type to go payback on payback. Whats funny is that my husband and I, when we were dating, did this exact same thing. I still to this day dont know why we finally grew up, but we did and we got a second chance and things are extraordinarily better now, we're not even the same people. What changed us and brought us back to reality? To be honest, I think it was when I got sick. There was something that we could focus on together and it was much more threatening than a person. This could take away one of our lives and it put things back into perspective for both of us.

The worst thing is the lies, the checking up, the basic truth that you two dont trust each other as far as you can throw each other. Whomever started the cheating is the one who has that blame, I dont know which that is, and I dont care. Its gone now to where you both do it, and its going to continue to get worse until someone stops it. Since you see it, it looks as if it should be you, huh?

What you need right now is the truth from each other if you two are going to get any farther with this relationship, or to try again, or even be able to earn respect for each other again. No matter how much it hurts, the truth should not be punished if that is what you want. Your marriage is in shambles right now, you need to concentrate on getting better and she wants to help you with that. That is a very good thing, a committment type of thing and she is doing what I know that I would if it were my husband, no matter how bad the relationship was, I would stand by him. THAT is real love - united front.

The bad thing is that she seems determined to pay you back. Unfortunately, I would say that she will now. I know that back then, I did. It did devastate the boy that I was dating, but you know what else it did? It put us on a level playing field. It was horrible, but then we hit rock bottom and we both got to see both ends of the spectrum. I got to see how it felt to cheat, to lie, etc, and I also got to see how it felt to be cheated on (as if I needed reminded, lol) But then it became OUR problems again. Not his, not mine, OURS. Its a childish action, and its wrong, but in a small way I guess it does have its moments.

Where things are already bad, you should not start badgering her. You did not want her to come home, you werent ready, so you basically told her that you two are still seperated. She is still hurt and angry and working through this. BUT she also values you enough to stand beside you. That says something. You two need to have a blunt conversation about how the truth no matter how horrific is better than one lie to 'save your feelings'. Lying is treating someone as if they are stupid enough to believe something that they know in their heart is not right.

If she is going to cheat, and she knows it, then she needs to get out of there where it can affect your health. The last thing that you need is for your body to be thrown into a kilter over depression or anger. You two need to work past this and the only way that you can is to talk and state feelings with no punishment on either side.

You need to explain why you did, what it made you feel, and how you feel now watching her make the same mistakes that you did. You need to learn from her how the cheating made her feel, how she has tried to work through it, and find out how far her side-flirting has gone. You need knowledge, not lies, if you two are going to stand together against your cancer. You are going to need to see that as your main agenda. You do NOT need to have relationship problems tearing you down emotionally. Get it out on the table, lay it down, and deal with them issue by issue.

You do need to tell her that no matter the remorse you now feel, you did know what you were doing at the time and that it was very wrong. It didnt just 'happen', it never does. Our clothes dont magically fly off, we make a choice or we are raped. Period. Own up to the mistake, let her own up to hers. Be blunt and open. Its the only way you are ever going to go forward, otherwise you are going to stay right where you are. You especially dont need that.

To understand what she is doing, you have to realize that she is operating from pure hurt, frustration and anger. Its very hard to deal with cheating and its hard to move past it. The only thing that can help is confessions on both sides.Honesty for once. And the easiest way to gain the truth is to give it. Without that you are still cheating and so is she - but this time you are cheating yourselves.

I wish you much luck and youre in my prayers

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:43am

hi jad and hugs! i also went thru cancer, i had ovarian cancer five years ago, and at the time i had to deal with a depressed/abusive husband (now my stbx). I am sorry for all your pain and i hope you get thru this.


I can only share with you my own thoughts and experiences, and of course we are each different people, and our situations are different. i can tell you that for ME - at the time - the most important thing was to get thru the disease. my then husband was soooo selfish, our entire life was all about "him" and "his" problems, and when push came to shove - he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't deal with it. and you know what i decided? i decided: screw him, but i want to LIVE. i spoke with my then husband about giving me support, actually spelling it out for him, and he said ok ok ok but continued along his merry old way of being the selfish sob that he is. and so --- i became selfish because i HAD to look out for me. i go thru the chemo on my own. friends and family helped me thru it - but essentially it was ME. and that is what i am saying to you ---- honestly, you really DON'T need this crapola in your life RIGHT NOW. (to be honest, your marriage sounds unhealthy and could use work, but even if you decide to work on your marriage - i would put it on hold for now). get help for yourself. find supportive friends and family to help you. stop worrying about her.


some books/authors that were helpful to me:


any of

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:44pm
Thankyou for your posts,,it really helps :)