Need a woman's point of view

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2012
Need a woman's point of view
2
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 7:45am

I am currently deployed overseas. I have been gone since September 2011. To give a little history, we had some major problems back in 2006-2007. We have been struggling to reconnect ever since. In December, I had a nightmare about my wife cheating on me. It was very upsetting and I let it put doubts in my mind. I scrutinized the cell phone bill looking for signs of something wrong. My wife was working as a bartender at the time. I know that means late hours but there are many calls/texts that happen well after closing i.e. 4 am-7 am. There are even stretches of days where my wife would call the kids/house between 6 am-7:30 am. My two youngest kids have to wake up for school at those times. The only reason I can think of is that she wasn't home to wake them up.  I see where she sends/recieves pic messages and then texts are exchanged afterwards. She has been struggling with a drinking problem for about 18 months now. She lost the bartending job after she showed up to work drunk. When I went home on leave, she was an hour late picking me up from the airport because she had been drinking and went to take a nap and didn't wake up in time. When I left after my leave, she said she was going to stop drinking until I got back. She has not been able to keep that promise. She is angry at me for leaving her in the city she is currently in without real friends and not much to do. She constantly assures me that she loves me and would never leave me. I believe that has been true for the last few weeks. I just don't know what happened from October-January. Is there any platonic reason to be talking to those people at those times? I have been very sneaky and found out a few of the phone numbers belonged to 5 men. I'm still working on the dozens of other phone numbers. I know this message may be a little hard to grasp, so feel free to ask questions. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:05pm

I think it must be really hard to be married & be forced to be away for an extended period of time & not know what is going on at home.  The thing is that it's going to make you crazy if you continue to do this kind of investigating when there is nothing you can do about it--so what if you determined that she was talking on the phone to other men?  What would you do?  Have a big fight over Skype?  I think what you need to do is wait until your deployment is over, come home and then see what is going on--I can see a bigger problem is your DW's drinking.  Since you have kids, who is taking care of them & making sure that they are ok?  As far as your question, she could have been going out drinking w/ friends, some could be men & some could be women--she could also have had too much to drink & had to stay over a friend's house so she wasn't driving drunk.  And she also could have been cheating--there is really no way to know unless she tells you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:17pm
In all honesty I can't see any good reason for her to be calling/texting 5 men between the hours of 4-7 am, especially if she's been drinking. She shouldn't be calling and texting other men in the first place, much less at those hours. And who is watching the kids and getting them ready for school if she's not there and is calling home to wake them up? I'm sorry but none of this sounds like appropriate behavior for a married women at all. She may be angry at you but that's still no excuse for looking for attention (or whatever else she's doing) with other men.