Need Your Help Please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2007
Need Your Help Please!
1
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 3:03pm

I need your advice, my girlfriend thinks I cheated on her or liked another girl and now will not speak to me, changed her number and thats all.

I am 21 she is 22. I started a new university and I met this girl in my class (she asked me a question about a practice exam) and we started saying hi/hello/how are you whenever we saw each other. She knew I had a girlfriend because she asked me wat i was up to for the day and i said chilling with my girlfriend. She mentioned that she was a choreographer in a dance show and was looking to have dresses made. I told her my grandpa is a tailor. She asked if he could perhaps do it, I said I would have to ask my mom if he could...my mom said yes as long as she has a template. I gave her my moms phone number and my grandpas phone number and address. Her best friend (a guy) was also a choreographer and he did not need anything done...they both said I should come to their show.

My relationship was unhealthy and at the time she accused me of looking and checking out every woman from age 12-55, whereever we went...it was a nightmare. We never really discussed the opposite sex as jealousy was a big issue in our relationship.

I did not know many people at this univ and figured this was a chance to meet new people. I knew that if I told my gf she would bug out and accuse me of all these things...so I did not tell her (first time I lied like this to her in 4 years). I told her I had class at night..she knew something was up..she drove to where I was parked that night and waited outside my car. I called her after the show and I kept lying to her and told her i went home and forgot my cell phone and came back and the room was locked and i had to get someone...i just kept lying and lying because it was 1115 at night. When I saw she was parked outside my car...i got really scared and avoided making a scene so I drove off. Her mom was in the car with her. Anyways, I stuck to my story that night in fear of telling her. I never have been in a situation like this ever before. I went home that night and told my parents what happened.

She facebooked 60 people in my class, emailed the professor and found out there was not class that night. So she confronted me and then threatened to jump into a lake unless I told her what happened. So I told her but I did not tell her about the girl. I told her about the guy who I met but was not formally introduced to until that night. I told her he invited me...she thought I cheated on her, and even before this she always implied that I was doing things with chickenheads, she was so unstable and I understood why. So I told her about the guy and left out the girl in fear of her reaction. Anyways, she ended up messaging all the people of the dance team and started to harass the guy. Both the girl and guy said to me that they do not want to be involved in the situation because it was crazy, they did not want to be intergoated by what seemed to be an emotionally unstable girl, and they said they just met me. Now, i am going to med school at this univ in the near future, so I did not want this to be reported to administration and it be linked back to me. I kept to my story...and never told her the whole truth only half.

8 months later she talks to my mom. My mom tells her about the girl in april...I never told my parents not to tell her because i was only her friend and nothing was going on and I was not trying to hide anything. So she calls me and tells me that she loves me and to tell her the truth...I told her about the girl...and then she broke up with me and said that she was going to give another guy she thought was cute a chance on friday...She changed her number and everything. This is 4 years and 3 months into the relationship. I felt horrible and she is studying for her medical school enterance exam so it was really bad timing. this is the day after christmas.

I did not sleep, eat for 2 days. I did the following:

o I became motivated to fix the relationship, even called her mother. She called me back saying her daughter is done and that she tried to tell her give him one more chance, but she told her parents she is done with me.

I worked nonstop basically with 4 hours of sleep writing her a 9 page im sorry letter, brought her a sincere love you card and filled it up with how I felt, and worked on making her a DVD of the 1300 pictures we have using my MAC...it took me literally more than 30 hours to scan some pictures taken in high school, fixing digital pictures, delete, edit, fill, but it came out perfect. A slide show chronologically of all the things we went to...my prom, winter ball, graduation, trips, holidays, you name it. I organized them, wrote comments for 3/4 the pictures with love songs in the background. Her mom called me earlier and said why dont you appologize to her...send her flowers do something because she was crying and thinking I cheated on her...I told her I was doing things. Her mom had to come home early from work to console her because she was frantic.
I also went to the market and made her a little MCAT Study Snack Bag with Reese, Kitkats, Ferar Roche, PopTarts, Cheetos, Almond Joy, Sugar Cookies, ginger ale, gatorade, crystal light packs, and I brought her a this huge im sorry dog w/ santa hat and a scarf, a life size chocolate penguin, and a dozen roses. I just pored my heart out....she got me a book Men are From Mars Women from Venus...I got through about 100 pages on that as well while waiting for the DVD to burn.

Its Friday Night...she told me some kid from her prep class is in a band and she said he was cute, nice, and always asked her to go and she never does. She said she was going to go, give him a chance, maybe even hook up with him to move on from me. Well tonight at 9PM i went to her house as soon as the DVD finished and i checked it I left...when i got there and she was not there. I was not going to contact her either way, but she was not there. I called her mom and before I left and left a message on her VM that I would be coming around 9, 9:30 and sorry because I told her I would dropp off the items at 5-6. I could have waited outside her house...but i do not want to go down that route. I have had a really bad feeling in my stomach since about 8PM...i have eaten 1 meal in the past 3 days, but this was like something was wrong. I spent about $65 dollars on all of this stuff, spent so much time and effort and I am so scared that she is with another guy right now.

I do not know what to do anymore. Im getting sick, i lost 5lbs, im depressed...how could she be out if her mom was telling her she was coming home early because her daughter would not stop crying. I really did not cheat on her or like any one else but her...i spent soo much time making that stupid slideshow DVD and the cards and the thought and her christmas presents...im breaking down and im the one crying...

I called her mom on the way home and said thank you for everything you have done for me, and I told her she has been like a second mother. I truly appreciated everything she has done for me over the years and it was good getting to know her...i left this on her voicemail. I have never felt this kind of pain in my life....

It was our anniversary yesterday and she did not call me at all.
I am so depresssed...she thinks I cheated on her and I really did not. I was afraid of telling her because of she would react. I wrote her so many emails, ecards, ect ect and she has not called me back. She was my first everything...i was not her first everything and she has been in another relationship before this 4 years as well and she said that her ex was way better than I am (her ex use to abuse her and all of this stuff and he drank rat poisoning when they split up and all of this stuff, and he got her preganant and left her because he thought she played him ect ect)...

What do you think she feels? What do you think i should do? Last time this happened it took months for her to get over...i do not know anymore...someone please give me some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 3:32pm

You handled this situation terribly by lying. The fact is that you are allowed to have whatever friends you want if you're open and honest about them. You weren't. This would have been, and seemed like, a good friendship if you hadn't lied about it. I'm not saying I don't UNDERSTAND where you're coming from - you were doing damage control because you knew your girlfriend wouldn't like your choice in a friend - but you made a bad situation worse. At least you came clean.

This relationship is extremely unhealthy and it's already built on dishonesty and filtering what you say to her because of her jealousy. The fact is that many, if not most, 22 year old girls DO have a bit of unhealthy jealousy in them but she should not be limiting you like this. Good relationships are honest and built on the ability to talk about what's on your mind. You've already made so many excuses for this girl and sacrificed a lot even when you weren't wrong, and she continues punishing you. She's not mentally sound. You deserve a relationship with a girl who has a healthy attitude and trusts you. Obviously you care very much for her, but you have to realize that in her mindset, there is simply not enough you can do to assuage her jealousy. If it's not this girl friend, it will be something else. Girls on TV, celebrities, someone walking by. Jealousy makes no sense and there is no way you can possibly hope to alleviate someone else of irrational jealousy.

I really think you need to let her go, because being with her is severely limiting you in a time where you really need to feel unlimited.