needed: experienced relationship advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
needed: experienced relationship advice!
7
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 7:09pm

So... I have been dating this guy for 2 yrs who I am so lucky to be dating! He's the perfect boyfriend and would do anything in the world to make me happy. I am uncomfortable talking with my family and friends about what I am feeling and I feel alone and unsure of how to deal with what I'm going through. So here's the problem....


This is the first real relationship I have been in; my bf has had several serious relationships all that he says ended "mutually"--sure. He is my only sexual partner and I am his 5th. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with hpv (that I got from him but that he didn't know of either). Since then I have had several surgeries to keep the virus from developing into cancer. But ever since this happened, I have looked down on my boyfriend with almost no respect for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 11:00pm

I understand that must be hard on you. It's difficult not to say to yourself, "what a jerk, because of HIS past I have to go through invasive surgeries and am caused all this trouble"

And yeah... You're partially right. But you should also be aware that men can't really be tested for HPV so there isn't any way he could have warned you. Also, HPV is extremely common in women - more than half the population of women 18+ currently have some form of HPV.

I'm really, really sorry about what you're going through. I hope that in time you can forgive your boyfriend. He probably feels absolutely terrible and guilt-ridden.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 1:05am
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. You had unprotected sex with him. He did the same with at least one ex. You have to take responsibility for that. You feel he is a male slut or dirty for doing the same thing you did . Please don't think I am trying to blame the victim, but in a sense, he is every bit the victim you are. And no, in this day and age, 5 partners is not a high number, assuming he isn't very very young. I just think that while you are justified in being angry, you need to look at it for what it is..I hope everything turns out ok for you and that you stay healthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 1:43pm
Thank you so much for your response. Since all this relationship stuff is all so knew to me its nice to know that there are
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 1:50pm
Thanks for giving me your thoughts. You're definately right-- 5 partners is not a high number of sex partners in 2007. Thats why I don't understand why its such an issue for me to get past! In a way, its like I wish I would have gotten to have sex with more people than just my bf so it would not be such an issue now. I didn't have unprotected sex with my bf. I thought I got the hpv from oral or foreplay or something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 2:20pm

Welcome to the board newtoeverything,


Everything you feel is normal... you still have to go through the grieving process of what happened to you (same with death, dying, cancer, any big illness and even break ups) and ANGER is one of the grieving phases.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 3:07pm
Ok, so I've ready everything you all have posted. You guys have made me realize that I'm over the std--- I knew he had sex with other people going into the relationship. Whether or not he had unprotected sex with thse people is also not an issue of mine, since he was tested before we ever had sex for everything (expecpt the hpv since men can only be visually inspected for that) and had nothing else. Question tho: is it wrong that I somewhat hold a grudge on him for his past behavior? I waited until I found someone I really really cared about, and he is special to me because of it. I asked him if he was ever tested, and I did not have unprotected sex---even tho I must have done something wrong to get the std.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 3:34pm

You wrote: "I did not have unprotected sex"


So I started searching and found this:


"The most common transmission of HPV and cervical dysplasia is through sexual contact. Because HPV may be found on all genital tissue, even a condom will not prevent transmission. The virus may possibly lay dormant for a few years before it shows up in an abnormal Pap or in various forms of warts."


And this:


"Women who smoke have concentrated chemicals such as nicotine and cotinine in their cervix. This weakens the immune system and makes the cells of the cervix more susceptible to developing dysplasia or abnormal precancerous cells. Also, poor nutrition and diets deficient in fresh fruits and vegetables can increase susceptibility to dysplasia. Antioxidants such as vitamin E and beta-carotene are necessary to keep the immune system healthy and fight conditions such as dysplasia."


::is it wrong that I somewhat hold a grudge on him for his past behavior?


You feel what you feel.