needing advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
needing advice
4
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:30am
hi i really need some advice. last weekend i was at a party and this guy i know kissed me and i kissed him back, after about 5 seconds i realised what was going on and i pushed him away. i got home and called my bf 2 tell him what happened only i under-exaggerated how long it happened for. i ended up telling him that it was a bit longer than that and he now feels like he cant trust me and keeps asking me how i can prove to him that i can. i really do love him and feel awful for making such a stupid mistake which meant nothing, how can i show/tell him that i really will never do it again?????

please please please help, i want my relationship back :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mads369
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:03am
mads369...

"Loose lips sink ships!"

While you might have been embarrassed about the prolonged kiss, you would have been better off keeping your mouth shut about the incident....unless....somebody had seen you do it and reported things to your b/f!

The next time your b/f gives you "the 3rd degree" about this, why not turn the tables on him? Ask HIM if he has ever kissed a woman impulsively...and had regrets afterwards? You're either going to get an honest answer (YES) or a lie (NO!). If the man is going to condemn you for kissing someone other than HIMSELF...this might be an indication of how life would be if the 2 of you ever decided to 'play house' together?

Frankly...with your outstanding ivillage profile...it's probably VERY EASY for ANY MAN to gravitate in your direction. Just be careful which ones you choose to...err...kiss in the future, okay?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
In reply to: mads369
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:35pm
Why do you just assume that her boyfriend would be lying if he said he hasn't kissed other girls? Maybe he hasn't, we don't know him. It sounds like he didn't give her the 3rd degree, she told him by her own free will because she obviously felt guilty. This leads me to believe that they aren't just casually dating, esp because she called it a relationship. Piano guy, I know they aren't married, but when you are in a serious relationship where you aren't dating other people, why is okay for her to be kissing another guy? Maybe she wanted to, but that doesn't make it A-ok. When people kiss other people during serious realtionships they always refer to it as "all of the sudden we were kissing and then I realized what was happening" like they had no idea they were involved with someone and without warning someone elses lips were on theirs and they just couldn't stop. That's crap. If you have a boyfriend you are making the decision to kiss someone else. Maybe that should be a wake up call that you are really longing for someone else. If I was your boyfriend I'd have a hard time trusting you too. If you feel bad and really love him then stay faithful and try to prevent "accidents" and if in a few weeks he still can't trust you then you know the relationship is over. Because you can't have a relationship without trust. In that case, move on and try to find someone who you can be faithful to and who you trusts and trusts you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mads369
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:01am
lynmusic...

Haven't you ever heard of "platonic kissing?" This is an emotion that a lot of men and women go through when we haven't seen someone in quite awhile. It's one step beyond the "hey, it's nice to see you again" idea? Of course...it's a spur of the moment action which many of us don't think about...until later!

Lots of us do things "spur of the moment"---because we're acting on an impulse. Restraint is a better plan, but let's face it..some people don't know the meaning of the word! This is what happens when you act on "impulse!"

Pianoguy definitely DIDN'T give his 100% seal of approval when he learned that this woman had kissed somebody else. I'm in your corner when it comes to trust and fidelity...and when you indicated that her 'emotional response' was improper.

However...this lady seems to be in a relationship with a man who is waiting to "blow up at her" the moment she messes up! She felt badly about "the prolonged kiss" after it was over. But by then...she had told a lot of her friends. Whether this was done for a reaction...or because there was a need on her part to "share the experience"---is a difficult call.

However, I still feel that because this was a "one-time event"---the woman should have kept her mouth shut unless she was confronted by her b/f!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
In reply to: mads369
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:40pm
I agree with some of that. Everyone is different, I've never platonically kissed someone on the lips, hugs and cheeks are good to me, but I don't think it's horrible to have a quick platonic kiss...just haven't. But what SHE described didn't sound platonic at all. It might be an impulse...but a lot of guys say that about having sex. "She was an old girlfriend and we just impulsivly kiss and it led to sex." Not that what she did was sex lol but you see what I'm saying...just because it's an impulse doesn't make the long kiss right, and she obviously felt guilty, so I'm guessing the kiss wasn't innocent.

Like I said, I've never platonically kissed someone like that, so maybe he hasn't we don't know. Maybe he have been completely faithful, platonically and otherwise. I don't know if he was just waiting to blow up either. I know in my experience when things have been going normal and we are happy and he comes along and says "yeah I kissed this chick" I'm not going to just go with the flow. I'll be mad...not waiting to blow up, but he just GAVE me something to get mad about, and I wouldn't trust him for a while either. I'm not saying they should just end it, but if he can't get that trust going, they shouldn't be together. There are no guarantees in life, she could very well kiss another guy, and in my opinion you should never promise anyone that you will never do that, because that's just not realistic...and maybe he'll kiss someone or sleep with someone, but that's why trust is so important you know? No guarantee's mean we should be scared all the time, but if we trust our partner then we shouldn't need a guarantee.

I agree with a lot of what you are saying. I'm just throwing in another point of view.

Lindsay