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Needing Advice
| Thu, 01-15-2004 - 9:16am |
Hey there..this is my first time posting on here. I have a question and i am hoping someone will be able to give me some help. Now i am 20..i am dating a 41 yr old. Now we didnt meet in a bar and we didnt meet through a chat room, lol. he happens to be my sister-in-law's brother, and that is how we met. we have been together a little over a year now. now i know what i am getting myself in to..all my dating life i have have gotten into serious relationships mostly with older men. i just prefer them to young, immature, party-going guys. I can admit fully that for my age i am very mature, and i do understand the differences in our lives. But his lifestyle doesnt interfere with mine and vice versa. Our personality's click, we have the same views on family life and marriage, and we honestly love each other. everyone of course tells me that it isn't "normal" and why would people of our ages go for each other. but honestly sometimes this stuff happens. i wasn't looking for a 41 yr old man wen i met him...we just started talking and getting to know each other over time and it clicked. i am not scared of marriage or children. and i know everyone always looks at statistic. but who is to say what is "normal" and "not normal"? i really want this to work between him and i and he does too, which should be all that matters. but no one else does. am i wrong to try to make it work with us? can it work? i don't know what to think anymore. all i know is how we feel for each other..help, please...T~

First off no one has to date him but you, so whatever anyone beside you two think, shouldnt matter. The second you start listening to others and stop listening to your heart, you will fail. As for if I think it can work,...as long as both of you put 110% into it, no matter what happens in the end, you have suceeded.
Good luck, and follow your heart.
Im not sure if I understand your position on this, but what Im saying is
When I was 20 I didn't realize all the possibilities in my life. I had a very structured perception of who I was and what I wanted, I had not yet fully self-actualized. I didn't realize has the option, right, and ability to become whoever I wanted to be -rather than who other people thought I should be, so that by their standards and definitions I'd be successful, secure and happy.
I chose him based on the "me of 20".....he more realistically chose me on the "him of 40". He'd long before established his values and standards and priorities, he'd lived out his fantasies, he'd fulfilled his potential, he'd achieved his personal goals and had plenty more to pursue. He had friends, interests, hobbies, and success to complete his personal perception of self and thru all those experiences and situations and relationships he'd learned how much power, authority, control and responsibility he had in making his life a great thing to be living.
I didn't have all that - all I knew was how I "felt" about him. What's more accurate to say is that I knew how I felt about the future and myself while with him. He was integral to the equation, provided that th esituations that came along didn't clash with my expectations. See - feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not what you use to determine what to do in situations to get particular results. Feelings are a result of situations, which are constantly changing or being created with actions, decisions, and words.
He was quite honest....he said he had many reservations about my choice of him based on my lack of life experience. Most people say "age difference" but he knew age was just a number, but life experience is what forms your perception of self, your values and goals and needs - and that I didn't have much in the way of positive life experience. He told me when I was 19 "don't ever stay with me for the sake of your child, I'll never desert him, and don't stay with me out of obligation or guilt if at some point this relationship isn't what you want." At the time he was saying it I couldn't envision him and the life that we actually did create (becuase it was simply an extension of his already existing life which is what attracted me in the first place -it wasn't glamourous but it certain fit the defintion and standards ofwhat I'd been taught was "right to have and right to want.") not being what I wanted for a lifetime.
But, situations did change.....I became more attractive at 22 - than I had been at a overweight, just giving birth 19. I got a job that paid considerably more than with my education I ever thought I'd make - meaning I didn't "need" the providership from someone else like my perception of my life and my resonsibilities and my inability to provide was when meeting and marrying him. I was a late bloomer...and I didn't know how to respond socially on a positive level with people - until I was about 22. In a glamorous job, with a slim figure, with no financial problems, parents to help sit and raise the child - I didn't need, nor did I particular want, the staid, structured, outlined "lifestyle" that he'd had prior to me, and that I'd so sought when I was sure I'd never be any of what I had become, without an identity and providership via someone else.
At that point...he was less physically attractive than he'd been 5 years before. He was 45, I was 24......and we wanted very separate things out of life. He'd been to Jamaica and I hadn't. He didn't object to going - but the fun, dancing, drinking, and interests I wanted to pursue on that vacation didn't interest him, and I couldn't see me enjoying myself stuck with a guy who never wanted to go outside and tan, or snorkel, or enjoy dancing till dawn or drinking margaritas while playing volleyball in the sand. He didn't object to me going on my own....but I didn't trust me to go alone, so I didn't.
It was at that point I realized that I'd chosen him out of need, based on situation, and that what I'd once considered so desirable and delightful was now considered to be limiting my options, downsizing my horizons, and eliminating my potential.
Unfortunately, I wasn't the objective, mature, rational woman that I had appeared to be at 19 - while terrified, overweight, undereducated, and lacking in security in every regard with no self-esteem or self-confidence. (I still didn't have self-esteem at that point, but lots of approval, admiration and applause had me believing I was "all that") I took him up on his offer never to stay out of obligation or gratitude, and without much consideration of all that he'd bruoght to my life given all I could prioritize what was he was keeping me from, I pretty imperiously informed him that th erelationship was over.
True to his word, he was good about it. Quiet divorce, with him taking most of the debt, splitting the assets amiably, and never forgoing his obligation as he saw it to a child that wasn't his.
If your guy isn't this self-aware, responsible, accepting and assured - you likely won't end up in a "sweet" an ending, if at some point you decide this relationship has inequity or is costing you more than it offers in some regard.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com