Needing advice about pushing him away

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2012
Needing advice about pushing him away
5
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 9:52am

Me and my boyfriend have been together for around 8 months.  We've had our ups and downs, and are still working on buiding a strong relationship.  I know my fear of breaking up, along with my trust issues, causes a lot of fights.  He's been nothing but good to me, but since this is his first long-term relationship, I feel sometimes he just gets it wrong.  He'll invite other friends who are girls out to his "guys night" without even texting me all night.  He'll make last minute plans with friends when I assumed we'd hang out together.  He'll go hours without getting in touch.  We haven't even said I love you yet, which also worries me.

I can't help but be upset about some of these things that he does, and I can't suppress my feelings.  I'll always bring it up to him, and it usually ends in a fight.  He says I don't want him to be happy or hang out with anyone but me, and he feels like he can't share certain things in his life with me.  I'm definitely pushing him away, but I can't stop.

This weekend, he's at his sister's wedding out of town.  It's a flight away, and we went around and around about me going to it with him, even when I was invited, and ultimately decided I wouldn't go.  I've tried to come to peace with that decision and move on, making other plans to keep me occupied this weekend.  However, I feel that this is also something he feels like he can't share with me.  He's barely contacted me at all since he's been there for four days so far, and I've found myself waiting to hear from him.  Surrounded by many friends who are engaged and getting married and in love, I'd hope I'd be a small thought on his mind and he'd at least send me a text here or there.  When I confronted him about it via message last night, he just said he hoped I wasn't mad and he's just busy.  I told him we'll talk when he's back in town and he's sent no response.  Too busy to text me, but not too busy to update his facebook several times.

Should I be worried about the status of our relationship, or am I overreacting? Part of me thinks I should end things, because I'm just not happy with myself, or the relationship.  I know if we worked on it, it could be good.  We ARE very smitten with each other and usually have a good time together.  I just don't know where to go from here. I don't think I'm strong enough to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Re: Needing advice about pushing him away
Mon, 06-11-2012 - 12:53am

 OMG bb sorry to here i feel as if its a phase that relationships go through. i've heard many talk about it... idk what to do either..  Im in the same boat with my  my boyfriend of 9 months 

 

 Uiltimately the choice is up  to you and what will you make you feel more happy and confident about the relationship, its not a relationship when you are still feeling alone and unappreciated. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2012
Re: Needing advice about pushing him away
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 11:52am

To give an update, we broke up about a month after he got back from the wedding.  I just continued to feel like he wasn't making me a priority in his life, and he was frustrated and felt I didn't support him having interests outside of our relationship.  We didn't really talk for a while, besides a instant message conversation I started about needed to block his social media to move on for a bit.  In that chat, he seemed to be well over things and told me he just couldn't realize how special I was, and I will find someone who will. That pissed me off so I asked him to not contact me for a while and I'd let him know if I wanted to be friends or keep in touch much later down the road.

Fast forward a month later, and he has started contacting me again, asking to come over and get his things, and then, two weeks after that, asking to talk.  He cried and told me he realized he made a mistake, and he took me for granted.  He realized he completely closed up about his future plans to go back to school (for a profession that is very serious and life-changing) and felt like he couldn't talk to me about those things.  I agreed to meet him and he finally asked if I would have been ok with his career plans, and I said I would have been--if we had a solid foundation for our relationship to start.  He told me he regretted not telling me he loved me a long time ago, and he finally said it.  He's beating himself up for these mistakes and feels like he let go of the best thing that ever happened to him. 

I'm not sure where to go from here.  I told him before that conversation I needed a few months to heal and not speak, so that is the plan we are going with now.  But it sounds like he is rethinking things and I just can't let that go.  I guess my question is...is it possible he's just having a delayed heartbreak and he'll get past these feelings in a few months? Could he just be fearful that he won't find someone else and is still clinging to this relationship?  Is it possible he really does want to change and get back together? CAN people change?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 2:28pm

It does not matter what he is thinking but it is what you are doing and thinking.  You sound young.  Perhaps you are in college?  He may be as confused about life and the future.  You mentioned that he felt that he could not talk about his plans with you.  Why?

   Was there some reaction on your part?  What do you want for your future?  You too must make plans for your career,retirement etc.  The world that was is no more.  This new world will cast off much of the old.  Those not ready will find that it is much more difficult.

  I disagree with Music.  Some men are comfortable with female friends. They are his buddies so wanting time with them without you is normal. It also sounds like you and him are in different stages of life.  That may be the prime issue.

dragowoman

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:53pm
Of course he will eventually get past these feelings and move on to someone else someday. I think though you have some fundamental incompatibility issues, as the other poster said. You two see some key things differently, I'm not sure that those things can really be changed.