Needing Advice ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Needing Advice ...
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 5:20pm

Since I am in search of honest advice, I will tell this from both sides the best I can ...

Over a year ago, I had what you would call an emotional affair with another man other than my husband. I enjoyed that new guy's support, affection, he made me laugh ... etc. I grew tired of my husband always being tired, busy with work, not spending time with me or our children. I didn't want to feel "old" at 28 years old. I ended the emotional affair when I realized what I was jeopardizing: my family! My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now and we have two small children. I wasn't ready to see us as a divorced family. I wanted to make our marriage work.

For the past year, my husband and I have been trying hard to fix things. We have been to counseling. We go on dates when we can. We took up fishing together. We went on a lovely family vacation this past summer. Things were going great! Or so it seemed ...

I logged onto his FB a few weeks ago and noticed a message from a blonde female I was unfamiliar with. I clicked on the message and she was thanking him for a compliment he had given her. But the original message he sent her had been deleted. I went back and forth about it and finally casually brought it up. He went into a rage!! He accused me of snooping, doing things I shouldn't, threw and broke his cell phone. He finally admitted that he had told this woman that she (and I quote), "looked damn good". I stood in front of him - speechless. And then the tears starting flowing. I couldn't believe it. He gave me a speech about how it meant nothing. Then why hide it? Why delete the message he sent her? The next day he said that he told the woman she looked good because she had lost weight. That's great ... you don't send private messages with that kind of working when you are married. I let it go and tried to move on.

Recently, he was mowing the lawn but said he was expecting a phone call on his cell phone. His phone rang while I was cooking dinner but it was text. I looked at his texts and saw something else: texts from a woman I again don't know. While away at work and on a night he did not come home, he texted this woman about how much he missed their long talks and how much he missed her. There were only 4 or 5 messages but I was again speechless. I did not confront him then ... but I did two days ago. I asked who she was and if they were friends and he flat out told me, "No." He lied to me. To my face. Then I told him I had seen the text messages. Again, he got angry because he said I was snooping. He had already given me a reason not to trust him! Anyway, the truth then began to spill out of him. This woman does not live in our state but she lives in our home state. He said yes, he was attracted to her, had been talking with her for over a year (during our difficult time that I thought we were working on!), and that he talked to her because she was "more fun to talk to than me". He said yes, he had flirted with her and asked her if he wasn't married, would she be interested in him. She apparently told him, "You just never know". I feel absolutely devastated. Crushed.

I feel like an idiot. I made my mistakes and I thought we were working together to move forward. All along, he was lying to me and having a "relationship" with this other woman. I want to know what they talked about, how she flirted with him, and how she made him laugh. But beyond all that ... my self esteem is crushed. This other woman is petite, has large breasts, perfect body, and in my opinion, is hard competition. I don't consider myself hideous looking but that is besides the point. I am having a hard time comprehending how this happened and why he thinks it was ok.

Once all trust is gone ... what is left? Love? Is it enough? Yes, I ruined the trust once ... I thought we had it back. All this time, it was a giant lie. He was tearing apart our trust behind my back. What do I do? No, it may not have been a "physical" affair but I still feel humiliated. Was it his form of revenge? How do we move forward? I would appreciate some advice ... thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 5:37pm

I'm really sorry you are being punished like this. I realize you had an emotional affair but if you're moving on from it, there is no justification for him doing the same thing. If he's not willing to stop doing things he know will hurt your feelings (which is why he is angry)... Then he's not working on the relationship.

Have you brought this up in counseling yet? You absolutely should.

"Tit for tat" is not a tactic that works to form healthy, happy relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 5:48pm
Did your H ever find out about your EA? If so maybe he's doing this tit for tat stuff to get even with you. Once a mans ego is bruised he tends to want to get even. Thats just the way they are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 5:57pm
Yes, I was honest and told him. That is why we were in counseling. It was a place where we could talk, be honest, and not have anything escalate. I believe that all of this was a way of revenge ... Doesn't make it right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 6:00pm
No, we have not been to counseling yet. He is away for work. It will be brought up without a doubt.

He has my passwords to FB and I have his. It was a way of showing we had nothing to hide from each other. I have not looked in quite a while ... but when I did. I found that message. The day I looked at his phone was because he was expecting a call regarding work. He had a text come in, I looked to to see if it was work related so I could go get him from mowing the lawn, if needed.

I have to admit, ever since all of this has happened, I check his email and FB almost every day. I guess I keep thinking to myself, "How did I not know this was happening?" "How did I not see this before?"

Thank you for your response :)