Needs advice!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Needs advice!!!
3
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 5:08pm
I was dating Jack a year ago (we dated for about 5 months) and he just suddenly stopped talking to me. He wouldn't return phone calls or emails. Up until this point our relationship had been fantastic and I thought we had great communication. When I finally got to talk to him (by email) he said that he had some problems and didn't want me involved in them. He promised there was not another girl and that I hadn't done anything wrong, but he had to get these problems taken care of. We emailed occasionally for about 6 months and then back in January I started getting my emails sent back to me undeliverable. I figured he didn't want to talk anymore so I gave up. This last year has been so hard for me. I loved him with everything inside of me and had such wonderful hopes for the future. When the emails started coming back, I decided to forget and move on. Well, about 3 weeks ago he contacted me online and wanted to start talking again. I was so happy!! I'd been out with a few people these last few months, but I'd always think of Jack and wish I was with him instead. We talked on the phone a few days after he contacted me and he explained all the things that had happened in the last year. I understand why he did what he did, but I don't think it was handled in the right way. I still love him, but don't feel like I can trust him anymore. Trust is very important to me, but is it something that I can have again? About a week ago he asked me if I'd like to go out with him sometime. I told him I would, but we haven't talked about it since. Is this a good idea? I'm so confused. Everyone is telling me to follow my heart, but is my head a better judge? I need some advice!!!! Do you think he has the right motives? Should I see him again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
In reply to: km28540
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 5:51pm
Well I agree with you that trust is very important. No relationship can survive and be healthy without complete trust. Obviously, since I don't know Jack's reasons to leaving you, it's kind of hard for me to decifer if he has a right to be treating you this way now. I understand people needing to take time away from relationships to deal w/ personal issues. Relationships are very large parts of individuals lives, and if he couldn't give your relationship what it needed b/c of his personal issues then, I guess it's understandable. But you said that he didn't deal with it the best way... So maybe it's not so understandable what he did...?

I can imagine how happy and "giddy" you were when you two started talking again and when he asked you out. But, have you two talked about what happened, and how it affected your relationship? What about your returned emails? Was it just a problem with the server? (Doubtful). Why was he avoiding you? You need to let him know that what he did really hurt you, and it's not exactly fair for him to avoid you like that and then come back, expecting things to be okay w/o him apologizing for some things- like you being neglected.

Of course, maybe Jack isn't really looking to jump right back into a relationship (which is what I figure). But obviously you mean something to him if he's coming back now... I just say take it slow, but keep the communication flowing. Ask questions, but dont be accusing, overbearing, or angry (if you can help it). If he DOES want to mend things and be in a relationship with you again, you need to make it clear that you understand his personal trials, but that your trust has been hurt, and HE needs to put forth effort to make things okay again. Also, you need to openly discuss the possibility of something like this happening in the future, and if it does, will he just leave you yet again? Would you be able to handle that?

Yes be true to your heart, but also listen to your head. If you truly love him, then love is forgiving and unconditional. But don't hurt yourself in the process. That's never healthy.

Just take it slow... Talk... Be open... and be good to yourself. :-)

Oneandonly2124

P.S. If it doesn't work out for some reason, it will be okay, never forget that. We go through life meeting different people for different reasons and different lessons. Even if it doesn't make sense now, you'll always be able to look back on this and realize what you learned from Jack. Regardless, best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
In reply to: km28540
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 8:42pm
Thank you oneandonly!! I'm trying not to get my hopes up of getting back together, but if it does happen then we will definitely take it slow. We have been very open with each other so far and hopefully we can mend things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
In reply to: km28540
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 1:32am
Well good, it sounds like you're doing everything right. Good luck :-) And come back if you need more advice or just people to listen. I'm new here but I'm really liking what it does for people. ~*Smile*~