Never wanting to get married
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| Sat, 09-27-2008 - 4:27am |
thank you all ahead of time-- for any advice you can give.
my situation:
my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years. i am 23 and he is 27. this is not my first serious relationship, but it is his. i love him more then anything in the world, and can absolutely see a future together. he is sweet, great, loving, wonderful etc etc etc
problem is, he never wants to get married. literally...he says " i never want to get married". why you ask? NO REASON! happily married parents, many friends getting married...etc. he just seems to have a negative idea about it.
6 months into our relationship ( 1.5 yrs ago), he broke up with me saying he doesnt see a future together because he knows i want to get married and he doesnt, and he doesnt want to waste my time, and this is so hard because he loves me so much.....i was miserable...heartbroken, and depressed. a month later ( no contact pretty much, besides a few i love you texts here and there), he calls me to meet up and we did..and basically got back together. he said he made a huge mistake and we decided just not to " plan the future" or talk about it. fine with me, i am in no hurry for anything, just happy to be with the guy i love so much.
so here we are 2 years together. like i said, i am still in school and have a while to go, and am in NO hurry to get married; but i guess it hurts knowing that i am with someone that says he never wants to get married? we never really sit down and talk about it, nor will i make him give me answers, partially because i am not ready for it now anyway, and am n ot in a hurry also because i dont think its worth losing him or our relationship.
i guess also, i think secretly that maybe he doesnt mean it? maybe he will eventually change his mind. he has no good reasons for it, and says so himself. maybe one day in the future he will want to get married? maybe he says this now, no to get my hopes up?
i dont know. what do you guys think?

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Welcome to the board missf,
Are you okay with the relationship if you never get married?
I don't want to get your hopes up because my case might be rare, but when my DH and I first started dating he always said that he would never get married. I was okay with it then because I wasn't ready to get married. However, as time went on I wanted to get married and have kids so I let him know that I wanted that and that if it didn't happen at some point than I would be gone. We got married after we had been together for 3 years.
I think you can only want to see what happens. He might change his mind and he might not. But if get married is something you find that you are going to need then let him know that.
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I think you should try to believe him. A couple years down the road when you do want to get married, will you look at the time you spent with him as "wasted"? If so, you should probably end things now. If you can enjoy the time you have together now and understand the relationship as practice for the one you'll have in the future, then go ahead and be with him until you really start getting serious about marriage.
But please do try to believe him. No one ever believes me until it's too late.
You can look at this in two ways. First, there are people, both men and women who simply don't want to get married, just like there are people who never want children. Secondly, some guys will do this because they want to know if the woman that they love truly loves THEM instead of the idea of being married. By making it a moot issue they feel that they can avoid being pressured into doing something that they are not ready to do until they are sure. Given how men get screwed in a divorce, especially if children are involved, it is understandable that we are becoming more reticent about tying the knot.
You are 23 years old and still in school. This is the time to live your life, have fun, and develop who you really are. Plenty of time to worry about getting married later.
Is he happy to have a committed defacto relationship....or does he want to
Oh my God, please please run. I was in this EXACT same situation a year or so ago, and it can only turn out awful. He isn't wrong. You aren't wrong. You two are just incompatible. Please realize that no matter how much you love him, you won't be truly happy unless you are in a committed marriage (eventually). He's 27 and still saying he doesn't want to get married? Maybe he'll change his mind, but that is NO reason to wait around and see. He sounds like a decent guy to tell you point-blank that he doesn't want to get married. LISTEN TO HIM.
A few years ago, I met a guy who also had no interest in getting married. I prayed he would change his mind. We had numerous fights about how much we loved one another but that I wanted to eventually get married, yet he did not. He would not change his mind. The mistake I made was ever trying to make him do so. We ended up breaking up, but not before I stuck with him for two years, hoping he would get out of that "phase." I was resentful of him (for no reason), but mostly mad at myself that I didn't just take him at his word like I should have.
Unless you can look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself that you would truly be happy if the two of you never got married, knowing he has no legal commitment to you (I know, I know, but that's what it is!) and could leave at any time, and not resent him on down the line for the fact that you sacrificed something like that for him....unless you can do all that, you guys should part ways. That's my opinion.
<< he calls me to meet up and we did..and basically got back together. he said he made a huge mistake and we decided just not to " plan the future" or talk about it.>>
See, this is the problem with getting back together w/out working thru issues.
I just wanted you to know, that myself and DH, were members of the group that were NOT EVER remarrying (me) or GETTING MARRIED (DH).
Rachel
Welcome to the board misssf,
Believe what he says about not wanting to get married.
Glad for the happiness you created, Rachel
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