new on this board and need help..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
new on this board and need help..
5
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:15pm
My husband and I got into a huge fight two weeks ago today and he moved out. I dont want things to end between us. I have a bad past and three kids from previous relationships and my husband has been the father they never had. He has been the best thing that has ever came to them. I apparently told him out of anger that he was kicked out and I dont recall saying that. He drinks but I dont believe he is an alcoholic and his mind is made up that he is due to his father and mother are alcoholics. My husband has made me into something I never thought I would be today. I have been in college for three years because of him. He thinks now the fight is all his fault because he left and he drinks. But drinking isnt why he left. I wish to GOD I take back what happened but i cant. i want our relationship to work and I want him to come home to be with his four kids and with me. I am not the same without him because he makes me sane at the end of the day.
i dont know what to do and I dont know how to get my husband to come back home to stop feeling guilty when none of this was his fault. Please help me. I just dont know what to do. I have signed up for alanon and codependents/love addict. But I know im not codependent because I have done all this on my own before. I raised myself for awhile after my father passed away when I was 14. I dont want to push my husband away like I used to push everyone else away. I dont want to lose my husband period. I am just clueless how to talk to him because he just doesnt listen to me and assumes everything is his fault. Please Please help save my relationship before I lose my husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:20pm

Maybe now is a good time to explore his drinking problem. If you are willing to join Al-Anon then you must believe that he does indeed have a drinking problem. It's time to correct that for you and the children that live in the home with him. Think about the drinking before you make any hasty decision to allow him back into the house. If he isn't willing to seek help then you may be better off without him.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:38pm
I did join al-anon a week ago. I have sat there and looked at his drinking. I know he doesnt have an alcohol problem, he has a few beers once in awhile. Its not an every night thing. For awhile that is the only fault I could find because my Uncle was an alcoholic and his parents our alcoholics. Yes it has been wrong of me to put this on him for so long. I have apoligized a trillion times for saying it to him. I dont see anything wrong with someone drinking every once in awhile, I used to go clubbing and be with friends along time ago and would have a drink here or there (not alot though). I have changed those things and dont drink at all for a long long time. But that was my decision to be this way seeing my uncle.
I have listened to people in al-anon and read/listened to what they say. I know I have got to learn to trust and not jump to assumptions anymore. Thats something I am trying to do on my own. When we fight we say things we dont mean and bring up things that hurt. His is drinking every once in awhile and he brings up my past. I just need advice how to save this before I lose him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:52pm

Welcome to the board kskitty29,


My advice is to give him some time to cool off. Hopefully, he will see things differently and then the two of you can talk.


Reading material to consider:


Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis


How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman



Ten Rules for Fighting Fair


It's great if both partners will follow the rules, but these really help even if you're the only one following them. It's amazing how just one partner doing this can de-escalate things in a marriage/relationship.


(1)Discuss only one thing at a time. No dragging in other issues, events or people – that’s certain to escalate the discussion into an argument.


(2)No hitting below the belt. Declare certain topics, historical events or comments “off limits” because they’re sure to cause pain or start a fight. Then LEAVE THEM ALONE. Agree to discuss those issues, if necessary, only for a specific purpose and under safe conditions, such as in the presence of a third party.


(3)Only one person at a time gets to talk. The other gets to listen – not debate, defend their position, or counter-attack. Then take turns. MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S VIEWPOINT before you talk about your own.


(4)Take a time-out, with a guaranteed time-in. When you feel things escalating, take an immediate time-out and try again in a half hour. If you can’t do that, you must commit to talking about the issue later, at a specified time. The purpose of the time-out is to stop the escalation, not the discussion! If you call a time-out, you MUST call a time-in. If your partner calls a time-out, leave him/her alone – don’t follow your partner around trying to continue the discussion.


(5)No character assassination. Talk about specific behaviors, not your partner’s personality. “I’d like you to pick up your clothes” is appropriate; “You’re a slob” is character assassination.


(6)No “mind reading.” Don’t jump to conclusions about what you THINK is meant by what is being said or done. Stick to what is actually said or done. The responsibility for revealing meanings and motivations belongs only to the person who has them.


(7)Don’t try to re-create history. Too many people argue over historical details – exact words, who did what first, in what time frame, etc. – instead of identifying actual problems and solutions. Stick to real issues you can do something about NOW, and stop fighting about whose memory is more accurate.


(8)Take responsibility for your own feelings, desires, needs and behaviors. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements, as in “I want you to…” instead of “You should…” “I’m angry that you were late” is talking about your feelings; “You’re always late” is blaming.


(9)Look for resolution, not agreement. Partners don’t have to agree on things, arrive at the same conclusions, or see things the same way; this is not only impossible, it’s boring! Individuals are allowed to have their own opinions, interpretations, feelings and thoughts about things. Trying to win a “Tastes great! Less filling!” argument is fruitless and unfair.


(10)KEEP THE RULES EVEN IF YOUR PARTNER DOESN'T. Your partner fighting dirty doesn’t give you permission to do the same! Fighting dirty is a character issue – don’t compromise yours.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:46pm
I must say that is the best thing i have ever read in my four years on a relationship. I hope that we can do the ten rules because it would save a lot of heartache and problems. I think it is more me than him who needs to go by this. Thank you.
You know my children are really being affected by all this and they admit to acting because they want daddy to come home. Its sad that they are in the middle and I would never would want to see what a divorce actaully would look like for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:13pm

While its fine to have the excellent books to read and absorb, as has been suggested, the fact remains that both you and your husband are in urgent need of professional help.

All you have mentioned about past issues whether relationships, family drinking problems......the fact that both his parents were alcoholics is significant and may have a bearing on his behaviour now.

If you are to have a chance of a future that includes raising well adjusted children, with a father that is a role model............a mother who has the strength (as has been shown by your determination and effort) to balance the needs of the family, then seek counseling as soon as possible.

Your children should be of paramount concern. They are, and have been witness at some stages of the conflict between you and your husband.

You should feel proud of the accomplishments you have made so far in order to improve your personal issues. Keep the faith and I'm sure that sometime soon you may have the desired outcome of a successful relationship with your husband.

Wish you well...........

DAGNY