New to the board... feedback needed plz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
New to the board... feedback needed plz
7
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:51am

Hello,

I have been married for 8 years... not a typical "happy" marriage... we have come through a lot of battles, complusive gambling, drinking, in 2000 we lost everything (home, cars, etc..). In October of 2006 dh informed me he was taking an early retirement package and w/out a job to go to left the company he'd been at for 17 years. He sent out his resume to every state he wished to live in and we ended up in AZ in Jan 07. The good is we bought a house.

Just prior to his bombshell announcment I was considering leaving him because his anger was getting so bad.... he told me it was the stress of the job and the traffic, and the crowded area we lived in... so I stayed. Now I'm second guessing myself. He's so crappy to me all the time. We were at dinner the other night with our 7yo dd, she and I were playing hangman on the back of her placemat... she had put - ---- ---. I looked at it and said I love you too... so dh says Oh I have one that will fit... so I play into it and he spelled out I hate you. I said gee that's not very nice... dd said you're a mean daddy... he got very upset with her and made her cry. I have noticed that anytime I speak to him he interrupts me or just walks away while I'm speaking. I'm really frustrated... I prayed that this move would be a new beginning... now I'm 100's of miles from my family I gave up a job I loved and I'm feeling foolish for trusting him "again"... btw this is my 2nd marriage his 1st we're both in our mid 40's. I'm really hurt and don't know how to approach him about this... any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 1:22am

Welcome to the board aka_wee_haw,


When you have kids first it's hard to leave because you think you aren't doing all you can to keep your family together, but when the are exposed to mental, emotional and/or verbal abuse, it's your job to protect her, regardless of what the bully in your family wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 6:09pm

I have to respectfully disagree with some of what the CL wrote that first responded to your post. This is the Relationship Saver Board - so this reply is under the assumption that you'd like to save your marriage with your husband and would like suggestions on how to go about improving that relationship so you can live with it - and most importantly so it is a healthy environment for your beautiful little daughter to grow up in.

Maybe there is a history other than what you posted here and maybe you really did come here to find the strength to leave your husband and start a new life. I'm sorry; I didn't read that at all in what you wrote. Nor did I read that you husband is a big abusive bully that you should be protecting yourself from - maybe he is. What I realize is you gave one side of your story. Maybe he is even worse than you lead on maybe not. But you did say you've made it though some problems and issues in the past and you did say that you were considering leaving. So, you know you have that strength to do, if you have to yet again. So maybe the response you got was entirely appropriate and then again, maybe my take that you came here to look for ways to approach your husband to improve things is correct. I'll offer some help there.

With that said, the reading material she recommends is a good book in learning the ways of manipulative people and downright mentally and emotionally unhealthy and abusive people. If that is your situation, then please do read the book and it will help with some skills in dealing with people like that - anyone like that....your husband or others.

Also, her recommendation about counseling.....that was perfect too....regardless of what you came here for, that will help give you an advisor to help you think and talk this all through (you did come here for a doctor's advice). I'm sure there are sometimes you have one foot out the door and other times that you just think that is plain crazy - for you and your kid. It is normal to have doubts and it is normal to have a lot of the conflict and problems that you have at the 8 year mark in your marriage. It is normal to have doubts at all points in the marriage.

I also think that if you think your husband's behavior is having a negative impact on your daughter's development (although she seems to have good communications skills) and if you believe she is being harmed that you do need to do anything and everything you can to protect your daughter and help her in healing from that abuse. The counseling the CL recommends really can't hurt - whether or not that is occurring.

::CL WROTE:: When you have kids first it's hard to leave because you think you aren't doing all you can to keep your family together, but when the are exposed to mental, emotional and/or verbal abuse, it's your job to protect her, regardless of what the bully in your family wants. You now know the truth - he's behavior wasn't due to stress, the job, the crowds - all those things were excuses for his bad behavior.

This is the part that I just had to respond back to. Yes, it is your responsibility to protect your daughter. And obviously, what you wrote, struck a cord in the CL that he is a bully to your daughter and you or worse. Maybe he is - I can't say that I know if that is the case or not based on the limited information you posted here. Sometimes it does make all the sense in the world to run from a bad situation and that is the best choice and what should be done. Everyone draws that line in a different place. I can't draw that line for you or anyone else but me. More info here will help people see your situation clearer.

I just think your daughter deserves her father. She deserves a father that is an active part of her life. I happen to agree with much of what Dr. Laura would tell people here about their responsibilities to the children in a marriage. Which does mean protecting the child, but it also means providing for and doing all you can to help keep your family together and make it the best environment you can for your child to grow up in. You child does come first.

So, I'm not making a judgment as to whether you situation is one to give up on or that you know that you need to protect your daughter from her father. Maybe you do. If you KNOW that then DO that. Then again, maybe the damage you do to your child by walking away from the marriage now does way way more damage to her.

Maybe there can be a list developed for this board that gives people some positive steps that they can do to try and help Save Their Relationship? That is supposed to be the point of this board and maybe also another list of things that are clearly reasons why people should run and protect themselves from their relationships (like physical and metal abuse, etc.).

Maybe this is a start and others can add to the list:

1. Counseling - A. Professional: For you to sort out your thoughts, for your child to help her learn and grow and lastly you and him together and/or family counseling. For so so many reasons. Many of which include improving your current situation, but also learning from what is going on so that you are not destined to repeat it again....in your third marriage....your forth marriage, etc.
B. Friends and Family are also a very important source of counseling. However, you must be careful about tapping into this source for relationship/marriage problems as they may never be able to forgive you SO for what he did to you.

In other words I feel you should exhaust all resources available to you to learn from what went on, and what is going on so you can help what will go on - whether that is staying together or leaving.

Was it Socrates that said, "a life unexamined is not worth living." Well, Lled2 says, "A romantic relationship unexamined, while still and worth having, did not help you grow as a person as much as it could have." I'm no Socrates.

2. Reading Material - There is a ton of information available out there. People have spent their lifetimes studying and working in the fields that are applicable to what is going on that is causing you to feel so badly about your relationship. This is true whether it involves drug and alcohol abuse, communication problems, repeating the same things over and over in your life, pent up anger and resentment, addictions, etc. etc.

Years ago, when I had some problems in a relationship my eyes were opened to the world of writing that is out there on relationship issues and growth issues. From the normal to the abnormal. I couldn't believe it and read everything I could. I think I read like 70+ books in a 3 month period. I really couldn't believe that I was in my 30s and everything about my life was about relationships and I'd never been exposed to any of the thoughts and research that is out there. I thought there should be forced classes in school on this stuff....I know it would have been a thousand times more valuable to me then the three years a wasted in French. I can't speak more than four words of French now....yet every day; at work, with my family, with my friends, with my fiancé, etc.....everything is about interacting with other people. There is a ton of stuff to read on the subjects to learn and grow and apply to improve your life.

A couple of my personal favorites: A. The Four Agreements, by Ruiz......impacts me every day since I read that book. Each of the four agreements has stuck with me, but the best to me is to NEVER TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. I can't tell you how that has changed my life.

B. The Five Love Languages (multiple versions). It opened my eyes to the fact that people show their love and are able to hear and feel they are loved in different ways. So often, people feel unloved when really they are just deaf to the way their SO shows their love.

C. Conversations with God - it helped me get in touch with my own personal spirituality (and does again when I read it over again). Yet others, with different beliefs may find it offensive.

D. Getting the Love you Want (Hendrix I believe)....taught me that love...romantic love has a very predictable way in which it develops and what it does to us. It was like the first scientific book that explained to me what was really happening when I found myself 'in love.'

E. The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck. It has been a long time since I've read this book, but what I remember that changed in me as a result of reading this was to accept that counseling is a valuable way to gain insight into your life and to allow you to grow beyond what is happening to you and to understand it to change it for the better.

F. The Artist Way by Cameron. This book taught me that we are creative beings and if we do not find healthy ways to express ourselves, artistically, that our spirit will suffer. It also taught me about Morning Pages which have helped me through some dark times in my own life.

There are so so many more too. Maybe others can add books that touched them or changed their life - and how and why it changed their life. Books that may strike a cord in you and change you and help you grow into a better person. It is impossible for your relationships not to improve as a result of learning more about relationships.

3. Writing/Journaling: A. Writing can be a great way to communicate what it is you are worried about saying but letting you do it in a way that you can really make sure you are saying what you'd like to say.
B. Journaling is helpful (See Morning Pages in The Artist Way too). It helps me sort out what I'm feeling in the moment and helps me get past my emotional reactions. Helps me sort my day and my priorities and helps me figure out what is really bothering me (which is usually not what I think is bothering me).

4. Changing/improving how you communicate. Again, no one ever taught us how to do this. We learned from what worked for us (or seemed to work for us) as children. No class, no school, nothing. Just our life experiences to shape how we communicate with others. Surprisingly most adults do not realize they formed these skills as a seven year old, without any help and we often continue to use those same skills that we developed as a child, while in our adult romantic relationships.

It is often amazing to see how things change when we learn on new thing about communicating with our SO or others. For example, I knew that I have the ability to be quite piercing (if that is a good word) when I try and communicate that I think something can be done differently or better (IMO). Past exes have told me that it makes them feel like they can't do anything right. I learned to lead into those conversations (that I need to have) by first recognizing something positive that my SO does and saying so in a loving way. I do that now and it is amazing how open she can be to my suggestion instead of arguing with me about why she is right. Prior, I was communicating that I was unhappy with her (even if that wasn't close to what I thought I was saying with my words)- which is what was always heard - even if I was only saying I thought we could fit a few more dishes in the dishwasher if we just did something else different. We humans are very funny. I was communicating a desired change like a seven year old and she would turn into a seven year old that felt like she couldn't do anything right to please me. We are closer to being the adults we are supposed to be.

::YOU WROTE/ASKED:: btw this is my 2nd marriage his 1st we're both in our mid 40's. I'm really hurt and don't know how to approach him about this... any thoughts?

Again, I'm assuming that you want to approach him and let him know you are very unhappy with his anger and you'd like to address it because it isn't healthy for you or your daughter to be around. Maybe you did ask on how to approach him about leaving him. If it is the later, I'm sorry for wasting your time with my response. There are other message boards here that may be more suited for that situation and you've already got some encouragement on how to go about that.

With all that said (yes, I certainly can be long winded when writing) - I have to agree 100% with the CL that a great place for you to start, is with reading and with counseling . It may just be a safe place to vent about your issues and it also may help you see that you need to leave your current situation for you ever to feel the joy and happiness that we seek out of life. Either way, it will be a great place to start to help you understand better where you are and how you go to where you want to be.

Also, approaching your husband, in a non-threatening way, to communicate how hurt you are by what he does. I believe it may be a better environment to help you communicate that in couples counseling (safely because of his anger and differently - with the help you'd get there). Will he go with you to that? If he is a good man, when he figures out he is hurting you and/or your daughter he will stop. If not, I'm sorry, you should still give it a try yourself.

Good luck to you in making some improvements to you marriage. I wish you the best in that.

Dang, Friday afternoon and it still isn't time to leave......




Edited 3/17/2007 1:13 am ET by lled2
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:43pm

Great info in your post.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 8:19pm

You do always have a lot of great advice for people and many people (including me) have benefited greatly from it. Thanks.




Edited 3/17/2007 1:03 am ET by lled2
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 8:26pm
WOW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 9:18pm

Sorry, I did make some edits as I wanted to respectfully offer a different perspective.

I was typing fast and realize it didn't come across that way.

I know all of your advise to people comes with the best of intentions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 8:55am

Hi aka_wee_haw


Did we run you off? Sorry.