New to this board...kinda long (sorry)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
New to this board...kinda long (sorry)
5
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 2:22pm
I'm not sure if I came to the right area to ask this, but I'll give it a try anyway. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and I am the one who has been unfaithful. In the beginning, he had a bit of an addiction to internet porn that I did not approve of at all. Through much effort and tears, he has cut down enormously and is on the way to quitting, or so I thought. Now he is starting to chat (which he never did before) and he is constantly looking at different websites to rate the way girls look...ex. hotornot.com, ratemybehind.com (he likes butts) and this really hurts my feelings. It makes me paranoid that he is going to go back to looking at porn like he used to. We have a very healthy sex like, I keep him pleased as much as a woman can, and if we can't have sex, I do what I can in other ways. I'm always worried that he is looking at, talking to or doing something he shouldn't be. My attitude is so bad that I fly off of the handle at him if he stares at a girl's butt in the middle of Walmart...there's got to be some resolution. I guess my real question is that is it possible that all of my paranoia and insecurity come from the fact that I have been unfaithful?
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Registered: 06-30-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:21pm
It could stem from or be the cause of your infidelity. Do you feel more secure now that you've been unfaithful?
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Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:43pm
I don't feel more secure with anything. That's the problem, if something doesn't change with me, I'm going to end up driving myself into a mental breakdown from worrying so much that he's going to, or is doing something he shouldn't be doing. If not a breakdown, then I'd probably end up driving him to cheat or leave me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 2:21pm
There are many issues here. You are making the assumption that good sex = a lack of interest in cheating or an elimination of an addiction. You can't control his addiction, only he can. YOu have cheated on him, he is cheating on you while chatting with other women.


'is that is it possible that all of my paranoia and insecurity come from the fact that I have been unfaithful?'

Yes you could be projecting onto him, assuming he will cheat because you cheated but that doesn't negate the fact that he stares at other women in front of you and talks sexually to other women on-line. I wouldn't doubt that he has cheated physically also.

This is a mess.

I am willing to bet that your insecurity stems from many things, probably beginning a long time before you met him or you wouldn't have been attracted to a man like this. I bet there were red flags when you were dating.

'there's got to be some resolution.'

It is called therapy for yourself, for you two or both.

Avatar for pretty_lady3
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Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 5:58pm
Well, I guess there was at least one red flag that I can say for sure that I picked up on, but I never thought that it would turn out like this. I just walked in on him looking at porn about 10 mins after we had sex (when we were dating) but didn't think anything of it b/c I used to like watching it with guys. Had I really known what his "addiction" was like, we would never have gotten as far as we have. I honestly don't believe that he has cheated. He's not very good with women, and I just don't see him as that kind of person. I know I need therapy, there is really something wrong with me period.
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 4:04am

honey. this is NOT about your husband watching porn. this is about YOU. and as difficult as it is for us to admit it to ourselves - you are the one who needs help. you admit that you have been unfaithful - this is where you need to start.