new boyfriend wants todate other?advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
new boyfriend wants todate other?advice?
4
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 4:10pm
I met a wonderful man two months ago through eharmony.com. We hit it off real well. We both wanted to and decided to take things slow but at a good pace. We both have a good amount in common - we like the same shows, same board games, same kind of food, same lifestyles, same views on life, same activities and so on. We both live near each other which is also nice. In the beginning he introduced me to his friends and his brother and his wife and I got along well with them and they got along well with me. We both were physically attracted to each other from the start but we decided to take it slow but not too slow and soon enough we hooked up with each other. There was more than this, we were like good friends and we would talk well with each other about various different things and we would hang out with each other and with his friends/roommates. Also, I told him that he meant a lot to me and he told me that his freind suggested him to try online dating and he used to question online dating but after meeting me he saw what his friend was talking about. I felt like things were going great. We both graduated college a couple of weeks ago and right after that he went on a week long trip with his family. We didn't really talk that week but as soon as he got back we saw each other and both of us really missed each other. I thought things seemed just fine and normal. Then, within a week later he mentioned to me that he met a girl through his roommate and they hit it off and he would like to see where things go with her. He also said that after being with his family on the family trip it got him thinking that he should look more for a long term serious relationship and he is not sure if I would be good for that. I told him that I couldn't believe that he thought that. So ultimately I said to him that he has a right to date other people if he wants and he can go ahead and date her and I told him that I would maybe date someone else and he said that would be fine. He said that maybe this would be good for us. I don't know. He also said that if it is meant to be for us then we will be back together. So I guess I am just having a hard time understanding all of this. I need some advice on how to handle this whole situation and what your thoughts are on it. Please give any advice. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:07pm
Good for him for being so open and honest with you.

This is simple; either you are comfortable dating others and knowing that he is doing the same or you aren't because your feelings for him are strong and you want a committed relationship. Decide and communicate that with him.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 5:57pm
It sounds like he's thinking that the two of you aren't right for each other for the long-term, but is trying to let you down easy. That often happens around the 2-4 month point as you get to know someone better.

In your shoes, I'd either stop dating him or take a step back and just date each other but not sleep together (hard to do, though), and date other people.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 6:48pm
This stinks - sorry you have to go through this.

It sounds like he got really close and then got cold feet. Unfortuately that is a stage for a guy in a relationship after 2-3 months. They get the "I don't know" bug.

If I was you, I would give him the medicine of nothing. It sounds to me like you are a good person and you did everything right and you had compatibility with him.

Let him have the time to miss you. I would tell him you do not want to go from sleeping together to casual dating and that you just need your space right now. Or that you are very busy with something else in your life.

If it is possible for you to date others that is okay, too.

Be strong and if this is meant to be you will weather through it. Otherwise you will meet someone nicer.

Have faith.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 6:50pm
Hi! I think you handled the situation very well! It is hard when someone doesn't seem to give us a chance, but it happens. It's hard to say exactly what all is going through his head, but it's really not worth your while to try to figure it out. You could make yourself crazy. So just accept it like you did in the beginning and move-on. It's o.k. to mourn if you need to, but to try to come-up with scenarios or ways it could go differently are probably pointless. I'm not saying you're doing this, but it does sound like it bothers you a little. Understandably, it would, but only give it the weight it deserves in reality. I know I can really blow things up in my mind. Best wishes.