new guy doesn't show soft emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2014
new guy doesn't show soft emotions
5
Fri, 01-24-2014 - 11:54pm

Have had 6 dates in 4 weeks with new guy from dating site and severaly lengthy conversations.  This man is very vocal about what he wants to happen in bed, but has nothing tender and warm to say to me.  He takes me out to dinner and has made me dinner and has travelled to my home 50 miles away.  I'm confused what he wants from me - I see he's enjoying the friendship as we talk on phone a lot, and he's has a very healthy sex drive, but he chuckles at my attempts to show feelings.  He seems a little rough around the edges.  Any advice from you guys out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 01-25-2014 - 9:46am

There are some men who are uncomfortable talking about their feelings.  Some men will show they care more by their actions.  Besides you have only known each other a short time so maybe he doesn't feel like he knows you well enough to open up.  I think you have to watch how he acts with you--does he make time for you?  Does he call when he says that he will?  Does he seem to enjoy your company?  Does it seem like he is interested in you as a person besides getting you into bed?  It's kind of early to figure out what you both want from this particular relationship, but has he said that he wants a relationship or does he say things like he only wants casual dating, he can't commit and stuff like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 01-25-2014 - 11:13am

From what you've said, he's not into emotions, he's into sex.  He has told you what he wants, I guess he's getting it......and that's what he's there for.  What does "rough around the edges" mean?  I've always used that phrase to mean no social skills, lack of table "manners" (i.e.: slurps his soup), dressing inappropriately, like jeans and a sweatshirt to a formal party.  Those things can be taught, although some men aren't interested in that stuff.  I'm not anti-sex at all, but if I met a man who immediately started telling me what he wants and how he wants it.......that would be a red flag for me.  If I want a relationship, there's a lot more required than sex.  Similar interest outside the bedroom, open and friendly to others besides me (friends, relatives).  Even daily living habits......he's a neat freak, I'm a slob, or vice versa.  I wouldn't appreciate a man laughing at me when I show "feelings".  From what you describe, in four weeks I'd already know he's not a keeper! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 2:41am

fissatore wrote:
<p>From what you've said, he's not into emotions, he's into sex.  He has told you what he wants, I guess he's getting it......and that's what he's there for.... If I want a relationship, there's a lot more required than sex.  Similar interest outside the bedroom, open and friendly to others besides me (friends, relatives).    I wouldn't appreciate a man laughing at me when I show "feelings".  From what you describe, in four weeks I'd already know he's not a keeper! </p>

I have to disagree with Fissatore if you are spending a good amount of time talking, eating together, and engaging in other non-sexual activities. You haven't been dating all that long. People need differing amounts of time to express their feelings, decide someone is the one, etc. He could be the cautious type. For instance, my ex-girlfriend's brother mentioned nothing to his family about his future wife for the first six months they were together. As long as there is a significant non-sexual component to your relationship, I'd give him another 4-6 months. If he still hasn't expressed much in terms of feelings by then, you might consider giving him the boot--but only then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Thu, 01-30-2014 - 5:31am
It seems very obvious that your guy is completely unromantic and one of those who are sort of detached types. He is obviously not the one, who will bring chocolates, flowers accompanied by a romantic note. Except for this one flaw, are you comfortable in his company and would like to sustain a long term relationship with him? this is the question you must be asking yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Sat, 02-01-2014 - 11:22am

My only advice to you is this: If it is an issue with you now, if he doesn't change (either through communication or therapy...if needed), if this is "just how he is".......if you marry him, this will be your norm.  I've been married 24 years.  Love my wife, she loves me.  When we dated she was not very affectionate or sexually adventuerous.  I naively thought it was because she lived at home with parents and was just nervous that we'd "get caught".  Well.......26 yrs later (we dated 2 years) she still is not very affectionate nore sexually adventerous.  I have gone through times of hurt feelings, resentment and even anger until it just sunk in......she's never been that way, so how can I be angry about something that never was?  So now I just suck it up.

Are you willing to suck it up?