new guy, trouble in paradise

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
new guy, trouble in paradise
8
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 2:52pm
I just recently met this absolutely awesome guy...we've been out on a few dates so far. I am in my late 20's, he is in his early 30's. My last break-up was last November. He was just dating a long-distance woman (for a few months), and they officially broke-up this week. I am pretty darn picky when it comes to men, and this man is absolutely wonderful: we click, have attraction/romantic chemistry, get along great, have fun, long talks, etc. He's a very communicative type guy, not the normal "overly macho" type, he is more sensitive and such.

The only real trouble is he is obviously still bruised from this previous woman...especially since she is the one who isn't interested in him right now. He said he is not ready for a serious relationship right now; that he technically shouldnt have been in a relationship with her -- his life is going thru some changes right now that he needs to concentrate on: residence, career, etc. And in man terms, if a man isnt on the "top of his game", they feel they arent ready for a relationship. For me, I will take him thru bad and good...I'm not shallow like that. I know no one is perfect, especially timing can be off sometimes. I dont want to screw this up, or call it quits before it even gets off the ground. I am very willing to date him casually, take things slow. I just love being around him and we have tons of fun. I'm all about going with the flow and seeing where things go. He is definitely interested in me, heck, he's the one who came onto me first.

How do I blow this previous woman out of the water (get him to forget about her, and concentrate on me)? (she didnt want him, now I want my fair chance!) What do I need to do to get this right from the start -- to be patient and stay in his mind until he's "ready"? Any other advice to help me along with this wonderful man would be very helpful! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 2:57pm

Please remember that his break-up was very recent, and he has been honest with you that he isn't ready to move forward. It isn't an ego thing where he needs to be the top of his game, he is probably just more confused than anything, and trying to adjust.


However, you like him, and are very interested. There is no reason you can't be his friend and be available to him, but let him do the work too. If you are trying to blow the ex "out of the water" that is simply playing games. Just be you, have him like you. Maybe try to spend time with him once or twice a week, hang out, go to the movie, go get dinner, grab a coffee. He'll respond and reciprocate once he is interested and ready.

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 4:05pm
Let him set the pace (initiating calls and emails, setting dates, etc). That's always good advice, but here, it's particularly important, so that he doesn't feel that you are asking for more than he can provide at this point. Be enthusiastic and receptive when he contacts you and asks you out, but don't initiate right now.

It's not a competition between you and her, so stop thinking in those terms. It's a matter of his comfort level with YOU. Be comfortable and fun for him to be with.

I would also personally not sleep with him for the time being, because this is a high risk situation for you if you tend to get emotionally attached to men you're sleeping with.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 10:21pm
Hi!

Thank you so far for all of your help and advice! As far as playing games, no...I hate games. However, we all know there are certain harmless "psychological tactics" that we all can use to help or ruin the chances with someone.

I can totally understand and be patient with the whole thing about him not wanting a serious relationship right now. As well as supporting him thru his life transitions (career, residency, etc). BUT, the one thing that gets under my skin is this woman he was dating -- him still hurt, bruised, confused, getting over it, etc. Granted, it just happened...so I'll give him slack on that. ;-)

But, I guess I get frustrated...particularly because I can see why he is acting this way -- because I did it myself after my previous breakup: it's mainly his ego - needing validation, rationalizing why it happened, why/how it didnt work when it started so good, missing the good times, etc. He readily confesses that he was "whooped" by her, that she had this "control" over him, that she lost interest and he felt even more strong to try and win her over and make things work, he treated her like a queen and she blew him off - she took advantage of him and took him for granted. I'm screaming to myself: "what about me?!" "You say you really like me, are interested, very attracted, we connected immediately, have tons of fun, etc...." "Get over it already...or else you'll miss out on someone that DOES want you -- ME!" I mean, I want him, I'll treat him good, etc. Heck, I just want to have fun with him, be happy, get to know him, and go with the flow. I want a fair chance just like this previous woman did...I dont want to be in her shadow. She didnt want him, her loss...but I DO want him, its my turn! ;-)

I sympathize with what he's going thru, because I've been there...but I found that obsessing over feelings of a loss, especially when you have a new wonderful person standing infront of you, is a pure waste of time and dumb to do! Bad timing sucks, but I dont want that to ruin the possibility of slowly building something between us.

Any new advice? I want to be there for him, but I also want to sometimes just shake him to wake-up and see me clearer and get over this previous woman that doesnt even appreciate him! Because I do! I want to ultimately date this man, but I'm willing to take it slow, I just love spending time with him. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:22pm
The man is in grief. He has to grieve for the end of his break up with the other woman (no matter what she did or didn't do). Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what he hoped would have been, the end of a dream, an end of the possible future he wanted with her. He also has to get over all the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' before he's ready to start a new relationship and accept that the other relationship is really over and done, meaning no leftover false hope that things could have been worked out.

::But, I guess I get frustrated...particularly because I can see why he is acting this way -- because I did it myself after my previous breakup: it's mainly his ego - needing validation, rationalizing why it happened, why/how it didnt work when it started so good, missing the good times, etc. He readily confesses that he was "whooped" by her, that she had this "control" over him, that she lost interest and he felt even more strong to try and win her over and make things work, he treated her like a queen and she blew him off - she took advantage of him and took him for granted. I'm screaming to myself: "what about me?!" "You say you really like me, are interested, very attracted, we connected immediately, have tons of fun, etc...." "Get over it already...or else you'll miss out on someone that DOES want you -- ME!" I mean, I want him, I'll treat him good, etc. Heck, I just want to have fun with him, be happy, get to know him, and go with the flow. I want a fair chance just like this previous woman did...I dont want to be in her shadow. She didnt want him, her loss...but I DO want him, its my turn! ;-)

Ah, that's your ego talking and your need to be validated and wanting to move forward too quickly. And yes, obessing is a waste of time, but when someone is going through it, you can't get them to see that. You are the 'transistion person', a possible rebound. Be careful.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:36pm
Thank you for your advice. I'll readily admit to myself that I am a bit impatient. In a perfect world he would have gotten over this woman quickly, and/or I wouldve met him at a different time. They only dated a few months...so I am hoping this "grieving" process will go by soon. However, I know I need to be patient.

My question is: what do I need to do? As I said, I do not want to screw this relationship up, before it even gets off the ground. I want to know how to go about this, how I can help him during this time (get his mind off of dwelling on her), how I need to act (what to say, not to say, what to do, etc). I dont want to fall into the "friend" or "buddy" category...however, I know technically I am stuck in the romantic friend mode for now - which is better than a "buddy". And when he's ready, I want to be the one he sees and goes for when he's ready. I just want to do this right! Thanks. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:33pm
If you are just the transition person/rebound, it won't matter what you do or don't do. He's not ready. Be yourself.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 3:51pm
hi, i was very interested when reading your post. i am in a reverse situation as the one you're describing... in other words, i am the guy in this situation. maybe some of my views could help you out?

i dated this guy off and on for about a year... loved him with everything... but he couldn't give me all (he tried but we are too young to make a committment), so i had to walk away. it hurts a lot. it used to be that i cried everday for weeks... but now i don't cry anymore. i've come to accept the fact that it's over, but the griefing is not done. i still think about him, and our pasts, the future we spoke off... he's still part of me and that's something i need time to get over. throughout the break up, a close friend of mine and a very good friend of his comforted me. we've become best of friends through time, and recently it has developed something more romantically involved. he knows and i know that im not ready for another serious relationship. i need time to get over my ex, get comfortable with life as it is now, and i didn't want to jump into another "committment" right away, just in case it's a rebound, and i dont' want to use him as a rebound. so i told him exactly how i felt. i didn't want a serious relationship. i enjoy spending time with him, i do want to see him, but i am not seeing him exclusively and hoping he would understand.

he is very understanding and not pushy at all. he said we could both see other ppl... and that he wouldn't want to give up on me, just in case in the future we could be something greater, so he doesn't look back and regret it one day. you know, that was very sweet of him, to be so understanding, not pushy, and trusting. he's ok with the fact that im not ready and actually am seeing others besides him, yet he's not giving up on whatever it is that we have. i have gained so much respect for that, and i actually take him more serious for that matter of fact.

i hope that helped a bit, perhaps, lol. good luck! it does take time... but really, what are you hurrying for? i know that you knwo things developed slowly overtime last longer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 4:24pm
I know that you're very frustrated by the situation with the guy. I went throught the same about an year ago. Yes, my guy too. He came onto me, was very sweet to me. He even enjoyed having a new company (Me, of course) very much. He broke up with his previous girlfriend before he met me. The relationship ended after three months because of a small thing. I look back now, and can strongly tell that it didn't have to be me for him at that moment, but it could be me. Big difference, huh? Sure, he was always nice and sweet while we were together. But since the relationship was "nice and light", not so serious, it ended so easily. It still hurt me a lot, but healed quickly too because the whole time, I knew it didn't have to be me for him, not that I had admitted it back then. What I am saying is that I believe it's never idealistic to date a guy and get serious about him who just got out of one relationship. You are not a rebound woman for him at all. I'm sure he enjoys being with you. However, you could be someone who he "happened" to meet one day. Sounds too harsh, but please listen to me. The point is that you shouldn't be too serious about him yet. Let him take care of the ex thing and his own feelings. Let it be, you don't have to rush anything. Take it slow. You kinda back up a little. That doesn't mean you stop liking him or anything. Sorry, I know I'm not a really good advisor. But I hope you can get some hint from my experience. Good luck!