New here -- issues with his female frien

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
New here -- issues with his female frien
6
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:03am
Hi everyone. This is a little long, so I apologize

I've been posting on and off on the LDR board for a while but have had this kind of constant issue in my relationship and I'm worried that it's kind of taking me to the breaking point and thought I'd throw it out here.

My boyfriend and I live in different states. He's been best friends with my roommate for years and years, and she introduced us last year, and we hit it off right away. At first everything was great, we talked on the phone for hours every day, planned visits, were very affectionate, always saying "I miss you," etc. He's since come back to visit once and I've visited him twice.

Since New Year's (the last time I saw him) I've been dealing with a lot of stress, depression, etc. and at first I just thought it was something weird with my hormones or because I'm busy or something, but I'm starting to think it's the same issue that's been bugging me for a while. Basically, he talks to my roommate like she's his girlfriend. He calls her about as much as he calls me and talks about the same amount (like an hour or more each night). They've had a couple of fights since we started dating that from what I've gleaned have basically centered around the fact that "he hasn't been a good friend" to her lately (in large part because he's been spending a lot of time on me). When he calls, she'll leave the common room if we're both there and go to her room to shut the door. Um. Because the two of them have private things to say to each other? I don't have a problem with her keeping secrets from me, but when those secrets are with my boyfriend, I can't help but feel all kinds of negative emotions.

I don't suspect him of cheating with her or anything along those lines, I believe him when he says they're "just platonic friends." But I feel like, even though there's no physical relationship there, I kind of feel like he's still being unfaithful. If she is allowed to "need" him to spend a certain amount of time and attention on her, I'm sorry, but isn't that basically the kind of thing a girlfriend, rather than a friend, demands? I've shared some of my concerns with him in the past and he's sort of agreed and said, yeah, as we grow closer to each other and our relationship gets stronger and more important, she'll kind of have slip out of the picture, he won't be able to be as close to her as to me because I'll need to be the most important thing in his life. But it's getting to the point where I don't know how much longer I can wait. I don't want to demand that I be his whole life, I don't think we're at that point in our relationship and I don't want him to give things up for me when there's no certainty that we'll stay together in the long run. But at the same time, I feel like this friend thing is suffocating our relationship. I worry that when he's talking to me he'd rather be talking to her, I worry that he tells her things that we talk about in private conversations (since she shares with him every tiny little nitpicking ridiculous detail of her relationships/dates/etc.), I worry that he cares more about her than about me or, worse yet, that he "needs" her the same way she seems to need him. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't want to break it off with him, I want to work through it, but I don't know what to do short of rehashing some of the same things we've talked about and which, from what I can tell, haven't seemed to do anything.

Please, if you respond, don't tell me to break it off. That's not the kind of advice I'm looking for. Thanks.


Edited 1/20/2004 9:39:52 AM ET by lindygal2005

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:23am

This line is a red flag to me in your post:


I don't want to demand that I be his whole life, I don't think we're at that point in our relationship and I don't want him to give things up for me when there's no certainty that we'll stay together in the long run.


There is no point in a relationship where he should be required to give up his best friends and make you his "whole life."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:28am
Thanks for the supportive post.

Just to clarify, I don't expect him not to be friends with her at all. I have no problem with him having female friends. What I have a problem with is when he spends time with her to the point that he doesn't have that time to spend with me, and when keeps secrets from me but not from her, and when *she* is making demands on him that their relationship take precedence. I have lots of very old and very close friends, and they're still my friends whether I spend five hours a day talking to them, or don't see them for months. Relationships are what take time and attention, and what worries me about this situation is that his friendship with her seems to *require* the kind of attention a relationship requires.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:31am
It sounds like it hurts you for him to be best friends with another woman,but dont forget shes your friend now to,I dont think I would put any pressure on him to give her up.You said he was not cheating I really dont have any great advice for you but to just see it for what it is ,a friendship.good luck and let us know how it works out.

onlineoff.gif

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 9:42am

I think every person's opinion as to how much time with their best friend is too much will be different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:56am
Since she is your friend, the best thing to do is talk to your room-mate. Tell her how you feel, and ask her if she wants to be more than friends with him. Maybe she is jealous of you in a sense- that you are taking her place. Her best friend met you and all of a sudden, he likes you better than he likes her! (From her point of view). That is bound to hurt a little.

On the other hand you need some reasurrance and that's normal.

I would also ask yourself, were they this close before you started dating him? If so, you really can't expect that to change. But if not, maybe it's a case of "you don't know what you have until you've lost it"- maybe she saw how happy he makes you and wants that for herself.

You really won't know the truth until you talk to her about it.


Edited 1/20/2004 10:58:32 AM ET by penguins24

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:31pm
::Basically, he talks to my roommate like she's his girlfriend. He calls her about as much as he calls me and talks about the same amount (like an hour or more each night). They've had a couple of fights since we started dating that from what I've gleaned have basically centered around the fact that "he hasn't been a good friend" to her lately (in large part because he's been spending a lot of time on me).

I think since she is your roommate you need to talk to her. She will probably deny having feelings for him, BUT from what I read, my personal opinion is that she wants to be more than friends with him - she's pouting, *fighting* with him, because he's not being a good friend to HER, giving her attention.

::I kind of feel like he's still being unfaithful. If she is allowed to "need" him to spend a certain amount of time and attention on her,

He's sharing intimate personal details with her like he does with you and now she's attached. Sounds like what so many people describe as an emotional affair. Especially if they are keeping secrets.

I hope it works out well for you.


Carrie