New here, seeking advice... (LONG)
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 08-06-2004 - 7:17am |
The problem is this: he has an ex that just won't leave us alone. They don't have a child together, so I feel there's no real need for them to speak so much. She calls to make trouble only--not to be friendly. She has emailed me trying to convince me that when we were first together, he tried telling her that he didn't like me, but that I was hot for him (we were already quite involved at the time), and we were nothing but drinking buddies, and that he was still telling her he loved her and wanted to work things out (she still claims he says that). But we were spending almost every evening together, and we went out every weekend. A few weeks ago, she called him on his way home from work and said that she was taking Xanex and drinking liquor and didn't care if she lived or died (fortunately, this attempt to get him running failed, he merely called the police to do a well being check on her and came home to me). She tried to get his parents to change their opinion of me, and she sends him emails and E cards proclaiming her undying love for him and talking down about me. SHE dumped him, though, when their relationship came to its end!
Her latest stunt came yesterday. She called him and told him that I had hacked into her account. I guess her password IS on our computer, but I didn't even know that until he called and confronted me about this. We have AOL, and I was logged on with my own account at the time she claims I logged onto hers, so my boyfriend does believe me when I tell him that I did nothing wrong.
My problem with this is, I've repeatedly told him that I am absolutely, 100%, totally uncomfortable with the fact that he even accepts her phone calls (not to mention the fact that he goes down to see her every couple weeks--and she has made it clear that I am NOT welcome to join him). I know he's not cheating on me, but I still don't like that he goes at all! He tells me I have nothing to worry about, and that it is me that he comes home to, me that he loves. However, he's admitted that he has told her that he'll always love her, but that he's no longer in love with her because of the way she treated him when they were together (another thing I'm not comfortable with). He says that he just can't be mean to her because they've known eachother a long time (they have known each other for about 15 years, and were friends before they were together).
I feel that for him to ignore the way I feel about this, he's sending the message (not only to me, but to HER) that her feelings are more important than mine. Am I being selfish? Or am I justified to want him to TOTALLY break things off with her, in light of the trouble she is trying to cause? Any help will be greatly appreciated.
Sorry it's so long!
~Kimnzhills
Edited 8/6/2004 8:32 am ET ET by kimnzhills

look, you're right that in order for her to stop, HE has to put an end to this, and it doesn't sound like he is going to. I don't think that he feels that "her feelings are more important than mine" but i do think that he is afraid of confronting her, because he is afraid that if something happens - somehow it will be "his" fault.
this doesn't sound like an 'ordinary', or shall i say "normal" friendship between people who were together, and remained 'friends'. its extremely unhealthy for EVERYONE involved - you, her, and him. if you can't get thru to him - then i would suggest counseling.
There are HIS problems, YOUR problems and OUR problems. If he's unwilling to address (read that set boundaries with this ex) and get her out of your relationship, it may be time to walk away.
Give him this to read, maybe he'll 'get it':
Male Emotional Adultery Essay
When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.
My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.
Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.
Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.
Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.
In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?
If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?
What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.
The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?
Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!
This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.
Carrie