New here...Intro and need advice...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
New here...Intro and need advice...
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 2:43pm

Hi, my name is Julie and I've been married for nearly 9 yrs and have 2 DD's - 6 and 3. About 4 yrs ago, when I was pg with DD#2, I found out my DH had cheated on me 3 yrs into our supposed committed relationship, 2 years prior to getting married. I was devastated. I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me but he refused. However, I went to therapy on my own until DD# 2 was born. DD was born sick shortly after and nearly died. She was in the hospital for 9 weeks and I placed my heartache on a back burner. During the past 3-4 yrs DH and I have argued... a lot. He also became very critical of everything I did, and I, in turn, became more defensive and, as he claims, have avoided him. About 4 mos ago he threatened to leave (2 nd time he had threatened actually within a month's time) and, in my mind, I said "so be it".  I again asked him to go to counseling with me but he refused. was sick of the uncertainty and the arguing. He had become VERY critical of me and we had lost a lt of respect for each other. I also don't like the way he talks to me and the kids at times, usually when he's stressed with work.  Again, I went on my own. However, for the last 4 mos I have felt emotionally disconnected from DH and I just haven't felt happy with him. I've actually even wandered what life would be like if I met someone else...or had I found out he had cheated and had left then. Anyway, I told him how I was feeling and told him it was wither MC or separation. He was somewhat devastated, said I hadn't loved him in years and always avoided him, etc, etc.  We;ve been to marriage counseling twice, and he is starting to recognize the issues and to take responsibility...but I still just don't feel connected with him. I don't even enjoy going out to dinner alone with him. I know we've only gone twice, but am I afraid that too much damage has been done. What's your take on this? Anyone felt this way? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2012
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 12:00pm

Hi jumag,

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you are feeling in your marriage.  It's encouraging to hear that you and your husband have been going to marriage counseling together.  I truly hope that, as time goes on and your counseling continues, you both are able to experience healing and restoration in your relationship.  Sometimes it takes that third party to help pave the way for hope and healing to begin.

One thing that crossed my mind while I was reading your post was an article series called "Turning Your Marriage Around" that I read during my time at Focus on the Family.  It's all about getting your marriage back on track when you find yourselves in a rut.  You might be interested in taking a look at it.  There are some insights and tips that many people have found helpful in their own relationships. 

I encourage you not to give up hope.  The fact that you and your husband have both expressed a desire to work together through counseling is a huge step.  Hang in there, friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 6:57pm

Jumag, welcome to the board.    What a terrible time you've been through.

If you had no kids, I'd probably suggest you walk away.  But as you do have kids, I think you owe it to them to give marriage counselling your best shot.   No, it may not work - but if it doesn't work, at least you know that you didn't break up the family without having tried your best.

My suggestion is to be honest in MC about your concerns that it's too late.   You can be honest about how the damage of the arguements and his refusal of counselling have effected you and your desire to try again.    Let the MC guide you towards the next steps.