New relationship after divorcing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
New relationship after divorcing
11
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 8:17am

Hi, I'm from France, which will explain the fews terms in which I'll explaint things in this post.
I used to go out with a guy when I was 16, he dumped me after a month because I was 6 years younger than him and my whole world fell apart. It took me years to overcome this seperation.
Two years later, I see him again in the street with a woman. He just met her. My heart sunk all at once. I thought I'd get rid of this, but no. I'll say that I was jealous of her, there were matching so well. If I knew how this would go later...
So life went on, I got married, got kids, moved to another city. I wasn't very happy though.

In 2000 I decided to look for his sister, as we used to be friends in class. So I finally found after 2 years (when women get married, we lose their trace). So we met, I, of course, asked news about him. He was still married, 3 kids...
One day, his sister sends me an hoax which I didn't respond, and that's how we got in touch. She had sent it to a huge list of friens. And he responds to it. Instead of answering it to her as he usually did, he responds to everyone. And here's his name appearing in my inbox.
My heart knocked, and it took me a while to answer because I didn't dare. What was the point?
But I finally decided to answer. He remembered me, even if we stayed a month together. I was very surprised. So we started to chat on msn, sent mails and he finally decided to call me, and we decided to see each other.
He told me he loved me...and me too. So we started to have an affair together that didn't last long before making a decision : leaving our spouses.
He said he wasn't happy at all and that he wanted to leave his wife but was waiting until his daughter was old enough to do so. I was giving him courage.
So he decided to leave his life, sell his house, leave his job, and move to my city to be with me. It took 2 years to arrive at the final end, which is, this saturday, he'll be here with me.
The problem is this : his wife gave him hell during this divorce period, she discovered I existed, revenger herself, emptied a bank account, tried to destroy him, lied, cheated and so on.
He was very mad and angry because they had to live in the same house until sold, and during that period he had a lot of pressure at work, and with his sons.
I, of course hate her for what she did, because she made his life a mess during 24 years (she's a manipulative woman, selfish, egocentric, and a big lier, his sisters told me and him too) and now she doesn't accept him leaving even if she doesn't love him anymore.
So recently, I happened to know that he helped her, and the most, he's just bought her a washing machine!
I just feel like I'm with a weak man who got cheated, taken advantage of, and still, he's nice to her.
His sisters tell me he really doesn't care at all about her, has no feelings for her, it's been like this for a long time.
Would I call this weakness? Sense of guilt? Stupidity? Too much kindness?
I wonder what will happen when he'll be here with me...
I just feel frustrated to hear that. I told him it's not normal to act like that because when you're divorced, everybody should be on its own... I told him that I'm not able to forgive as long as she continues to play with his family, acting as if she was an angel and since she didn't apologize for what she did. She seems not to regret anything she did. It hurts me a lot to see this extreme kindness from him, being taken advantage of.
I don't know about american men but French are proud and don't want women to mess with ex wives. He tells me he does what he wants with her since it's for the kids.
I'm going to have a long conversation with him because I feel that our relationship is in danger because of her.
I'm not writing everything I went through during those two years, it'd be too long and boring, but I got hurt a lot, him too and she's often the source of our argumentations.
Another thing is that he'll have to see his kids and will have to travel and meet them at her house, and that, I can't stand it.
I'm so unhappy about the situation since it took so long to overcome all our problems to end up like that.
What can I do? Am I normal to react this way or not?
Thank you very much

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 9:51am

98% of relationships that start as affairs do not last much longer than 2 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 10:33am

Wow, you poor thing. You encouraged this man to leave his marriage, his kids, his city and his wife gets a washing machine! That wench! She is the worst and he is totally innocent!


I hope you understand my sarcasm. He made the choice to leave. Yes he wasn't happy but you must see how upset she would be with him even if she is 'manipulative'. And who knows what her side of the story is.


'I, of course hate her for what she did, because she made his life a mess during 24 years (she's a manipulative woman, selfish, egocentric, and a big lier, his sisters told me and him too)'


Here's the thing; He married her. He put up with her. He allowed himself to be manipulated. He had kids with her. Don't blame her for your misery. Your boyfriend can't totally walk away from his wife and family and start over. Would you want to get involved with a man who could?????


His kids should be a priority-how old are they?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 1:12pm

Welcome to the board kellychou,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:43pm

Welcome to the board kellychou,


I hope you can really hear all the good advice you've been given. In additon to most affairs leading to a lasting marriage, I gotta say your problems started way before the affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 4:32pm

Oh I know that he'll have to manage his kids -16.20.24- That's not the point it's that her only interest is money. The rest, her story on her side, is that she's trying to find a man with enough money to have the life she wants, because she took advantage of him, and looks for the same thing.
Some people are poisonous to others and some are too nice with others.
He has shortcomings like everybody.
I'd like her to stop taking advantage of him that's all. Whether it is a washing machine or something else.
My ex doesn't buy me a washing machine or something I need, I don't even dare ask, it wouldn't be correct.
I know they'll have to be on the phone or see each other, the thing is that she took more money than what she was supposed to and wasn't honest.
Up until now, I've only found sarcasm from posts, mocking messages (like : poor thing...).
So... well thanks everybody being harsh.
I just want to say that i'm not like her. I'm not interested in money.
I give to people who are nice not the ones who are not. People say I'm too generous...
And I know who I am because when I go to bed at night, I know God is here and watch, I harmed nobody and would not want to.

"I have a feeling you might have more in common with his wife then you think." What makes you think that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 4:50pm

>>He has shortcomings like everybody.<<


I will agree with that 100%, more than just being "too nice"



>>I'd like her to stop taking advantage of him that's all. Whether it is a washing machine or something else.<<


I am sure you would but what you don't seem to get is HE has to put a stop to it (not you, not her)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 4:56pm
As long as he ALLOWS her to take advantage, nothing is going to change. He has to stand up for himself.




angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 5:42pm

Oh I forgot that for "having an affair" as you all say is attacking me on that.

What is better?

To stay unhappy with our spouse and playing as if everything is normal which for me is hypocrisy

or

Decide to divorce, which we are and be happy which takes courage?

No the "affair" we had didn't last long (a month), and it was without sex!!! It would have been hard, living 3 hours away to do so...

So I'm judge, but who are you to judge me?

I forgot that it's not accepted in the US...

So please everybody, stop replies. Unless you want to help and not judge.

Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 7:01pm

Geez don't everyone be so hard on the woman as I read her story she went out with him and then they broke up and they both moved on to live other lives ,then by chance she came across him again years later.... they reconnected now as ADULTS became friends and were both in bad marriages at the time so

IF THEY WERE BOTH IN BAD MARRIAGES TO BEGIN WITH HAVING AN AFFAIR IS NOT GOING TO LEAD TO DIVORCE they were both already headed that way to begin with.

Things like that happen it could have been anyone else not just the guy she happened to date when she was 16.

Anyway there are lots of people in bad marriages and they stay together for the kids for years then one day wake up and realize they they are unhappy after trying for so long.

they both had things to talk about so they had not only an old acquaintance in common having dated a short period some 20 yrs ago but now were both in bad marriages.

After getting to know each other for a while they fell in love and felt they wanted to be together and yes they LEFT their bad spouses who were making them miserable (as she said how horrible his wife was to him for years)

You can't expect him to never at all communicate with his ex ever again she will always be in his life because they had kids together at least until the are much older and have moved out and are adults also.

Don't worry and get so mad if he bought a washing machine he did and did not ask you before he probably did not want to tell you because he knows how upset you would be.

In the end he left her to be with you and even if he talks to her or has to see her once in a while you know he is not going to ever get back with her because he knows how miserable he was with her and she is not going to change and he LOVES you not his EX and if you just relax and show him how much you care about him and that you don't get upset if he has to communicate with her that shows that you are secure with your relationship and you can move on and have and both be happy together.

I hope this makes you feel better...

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 8:42pm
I am sorry that you feel judged. Look at the facts; he has a wife who he needs to communicate with. He has kids who will always be in his life. He is too weak to stand up to his controlling wife and he is changing everything in his life to be with you. This is not going to be smooth. You can't change her. You can't change him. Are you happy with the way things are? Can you continue to live like this? He can't all of the sudden be 100% yours like this is a young relationship with no baggage.

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