New relationship, but still bothered by
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| Tue, 07-15-2008 - 12:55pm |
I had some issues last year with my ex-boyfriend. He was bad for me...using me, stealing, lying, manipulating, etc. It took me awhile to break apart from him, but a few months ago I was finally able to get out of the vicious cycle.
My current situation is that I've started going out with someone new. I met him through mutual friends a couple months ago and we just kinda clicked. We both had mutual interest in each other and eventually he asked me out.
Last week though, I feel like everything got kinda messy and I'm just so confused as to how I feel right now. My ex drove a thousand miles to come see me (unexpectedly) to try to get back together. He kept saying how he's going to change and how he's gotten on the right track and that he's going to make a great future for me and our family. After a long conversation and crying I had to keep telling him that too many mistakes have been made on both our parts and it's just time to move on. After a couple days he started staying with his ex girlfriend before me, and from what it sounds like he's seeing her again? I'm not sure...he's very vague when he talks about it. He also changed his facebook status to "it's complicated" and he sent his ex a gift on facebook too. Of course, this could mean nothing, I don't know. We didn't talk for a few days, and then he called yesterday just to ask me if I slept with someone right after we broke up last year (and got back together a couple months after that). There were rumors about me sleeping with someone else, when in reality there was only interest and kissing. I had told him before that I never slept with him, but during the phone conversation he just said "Well I just wanted to see if your answer was different now that we're broken up. Okay, gotta go, bye." I feel like I should be over him especially since he wanted to keep trying and I didn't...but when I think about how he's moved on also it's like I still have feelings for him, or that it just bothers me for some reason. I don't want to be with him, so I don't know why things like this bother me.
My current relationship with my new guy is still pretty fresh and new. We really like each other, but I think we're still in the phase where we're finding out new little incompatibilities. There haven't been really any fights, but maybe just little disagreements. But for the most part, we're good. But something's been bothering me in the back of my mind. I know that before we started dating he had pursued interest in at least a couple other girls. I'm not sure if he started dating me because they shot him down, or if he likes me more than the rest. I'm not even sure if he still has feelings for any of them. He of course denies it, but I'm still feeling uneasy. I suppose I just don't like the fact that he was pursuing other girls at the same time he was interested in me. I feel inferior and like I was the second choice or something. Is this strange or wrong of me to feel? And how can I keep this from bothering me and possibly ruining the relationship because I can't stop thinking about it?
Sorry this is so long...I've just got so much on my mind and I can't seem to process it all. Thanks in advance for any input you guys have. It'll really help a lot.
Edited 7/15/2008 1:01 pm ET by fantasyangel8

Welcome to the board fantasyangel8,
I'm not really sure why you are giving your ex the time of day and remaining connected through Facebook?
Welcome to the board fantasyangel8,
I think when it comes to your ex your best bet would be to end all contact with him. Keeping in contact with him is doing nothing but messing with your head. Plus it will ruin your new relationship.
As far as the new relationship, it is normal for people to be interested in more than one person before they enter into a relationship. Just because he was talking to other girls before you doesn't mean that you were his second choice.
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
Thanks for the amazing advice. The only reason I'm still in contact with my ex is because he owes me a LOT of money (one of the reasons we broke up was from the stealing). We don't talk much at all...the past couple weeks I think we've probably exchanged IMs once, about the money situation and when he asked me that weird question. I'm keeping it as low contact as possible. What's going on in my ex's life actually doesn't bother me anymore. I talked to my dad about it and he says that people get attached to things and sometimes they just feel like they "lost" something when they really never "had" it to begin with.
With my current guy...I know that he asked out these girls within a couple months ago. (we started dating probably about one month ago...but we were all friends for a month or two before that) So basically, he asked the other girls out while we were friends/getting to know each other, then within a couple weeks he asked me out. Some mutual friends of ours speculated that he is just with me because he couldn't get the other girls...or because I'm the newest girl in the group. When I asked him about it he downplays/maybe tells "white lies" as if nothing really happened...but I'd really rather just know the truth about whether he really liked them and if there's still feelings on his side. I can't explain why I really dislike the feeling of being "second choice". I feel like I don't want to be just someone's backup...I only want to be in the relationship if I'm their only choice out of many...is that unrealistic?
From what my impression is...he liked me along with other girls in our group of friends ("potentials") at the same time for a few months. He wasn't exclusive with any of us, and he was definitely flirty with everyone and hanging out with us/asking us out on dates. He was just narrowing down his choices I guess? It just makes me uncomfortable to know that there were others he had feelings for, even though there was no kissing, etc... Like, I know he asked out one girl probably only a week before he asked me. She said yes, but I think she bailed out a couple days later. He thinks she's totally gorgeous and hot and has a great personality. I just have this feeling in the back of my head that he'd rather be with her.
Should I be more cautious right now? I should I just believe in the best/pretend like it doesn't bother me and try to be happy? I'm soooo confused as to how to control how I feel and how to handle the situation.
Edited 7/15/2008 2:24 pm ET by fantasyangel8
Edited 7/15/2008 2:39 pm ET by fantasyangel8
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
>>should I just believe in the best/pretend like it doesn't bother me and try to be happy? <<
No you should not "pretend" anything, but you should be happy with yourself, before you can find happiness with someone else.
If you still have some feelings for your ex, then isn't your current guy your 2nd choice?