Newly Married, But Discovered... :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2012
Newly Married, But Discovered... :(
19
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:03pm

Don't know that I selected the right topic for my question as I don't feel I am having relationship problems, but here is my situation.  I got married 3 weeks ago and while on my honeymoon, I discovered a fake email address on my husband's computer's login in.  His password for this email was already there so I logged on.  I found about 5 unopened email messages from "Horneymatches.com" that appeared to have been received that day (or maybe the day before).  I then went into his sent messages and also found emails he sent to a woman (Leigh Ann) who he appeared to have dated at one time.  These emails were sent 2 years before we even met with the most recent being sent 6 months before we met.  Nothing since.  I had to quickly log off so I wasn't able to get any more information.

I asked him about what I found and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and said that the Horneymatches emails are just spam emails.  (I know they are not - they are replies to a profile.)  What bothers me is: 1) that he would join a perverted sex hook up site and that the emails seem recent; and 2) I know he cheated on his ex wife and the other emails I saw to Leigh Ann were during a timeframe when he was living with someone.

Our relationship has been great and up until this, I have never had reason to question anything.  His cell phone is unlocked and I've never noticed anything weird about calls or texts and he offered to give me his Facebook password, but I didn't want it.  I'm scared and can't get this out of my head.  I joined Horneymatches.com under an alias and tried to snoop around but couldn't find anything, but he has told me that he would meet people online living in other states when he was in the single scene.  I have received a couple of emails from Horneymatches.com and they look exactly the same as the emails I saw on his computer so I know they are responses to a profile.  Any suggestions??  Should I confront him again or leave what could be the "past" in the past?

Thank you.

    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 3:34pm

This is all past history from before you met.   As he's now an open book and has given you no reason to suspect anything untoward, I suggest you leave the past in the past.

And stop snooping.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 4:01pm

The emails from Horneymatch.com came in the same day I discovered them, so they are current and are in response to a profile that is obviously still in existence.  That is what concerns me.

And, I wasn't snooping - I found this quite by accident.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 4:50pm

If you've gone to the extent of creating your own fake profile on that site, you're obviously very bothered by this and it's not a concern that's going to just disappear. So, maybe what you need to do is tell him you're not stupid and you realize that the emails you saw were responses to his existing profile so if he wants to remain married he'd better delete the profile (in front of you) and never, ever, ever again join such a site. Because that's not what married people do. Unless it's something they've both discussed and agreed to, which is obviously not the case here. Tell him in no uncertain terms that it's completely unacceptable and it's you or the perv sites.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 5:11pm

Are you SURE they are actually in response to an actual profile? Spam emails often try their best to make it sound like you're already a member and there are already people interested in your non-existent profile. Their spam might be a replica of the emails they do send out about genuine responses. Given that you say he's never given you any reason to question him, I am skeptical that these emails are real.

You did not stumble upon this entirely by accident. You knew very well what you were doing when you logged into the email. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 7:06pm

No matter how you try to dress it up, looking in someone else's email without their consent IS snooping. 

Of course, you could demand that he deletes his profile (if there is one in existence), but do expect his return fury at you having snooped in his mail. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 9:28pm

  First is that you were snooping and are taking the punishment you desreve.  2nd these sites often have employees do the writing to "keep the money coming".  Having email friends from before you appeared on the scene is not nothing new.   This is why snooping is not advised.  Most people do not care about spam. once he has no further interest many don't bother to take their profiles down.

  Note: that replies to a profile are many times by employees posing as "members".

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 10:27pm

I've never heard about this site, but I do know that on regular OLD sites, after I've canceled my membership I am always getting emails from those sites asking me to rejoin so it could be that.  It could also be that he never took down his old profile (whether intentional or not) and so is getting emails but since he didn't open them, it seems that he's not interested in looking around any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 11:49pm
Oh what a tangled web we weave. I no longer have any issue at all with snooping....as long as there's a valid reason. Are you of the belief that "once a cheater, always a cheater?" You said you never had a reason to doubt anything, so snooping really was a huge lapse in good judgment here - be honest with yourself, you had an opportunity and took it and boom, look what happened. I do know from checking around at times that once you have been on some sites, they never leave you alone - you'll get e-mails you can't seem to stop for years. He is entitled to have a past, just as you are. You are also entitled to honesty and a guy who isn't cruising around for something else, too. It's hard in your case to figure out if the guy really is doing anything wrong or if for some reason you are just suspicious. Let him know at this point that it would bother you if he didn't put an end to those sites and e-mails - if he's a grown-up married guy now, he shouldn't be going there anymore. I think time will tell if he's being honest.

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 10:20am

acarson3447 wrote:
<p>Don't know that I selected the right topic for my question as I don't feel I am having relationship problems, but here is my situation.  I got married 3 weeks ago and while on my honeymoon, I discovered a fake email address on my husband's computer's login in.  His password for this email was already there so I logged on.  I found about 5 unopened email messages from "Horneymatches.com" that appeared to have been received that day (or maybe the day before).  I then went into his sent messages and also found emails he sent to a woman (Leigh Ann) who he appeared to have dated at one time.  These emails were sent 2 years before we even met with the most recent being sent 6 months before we met.  Nothing since.  I had to quickly log off so I wasn't able to get any more information.</p><p>I asked him about what I found and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and said that the Horneymatches emails are just spam emails.  (I know they are not - they are replies to a profile.)  What bothers me is: 1) that he would join a perverted sex hook up site and that the emails seem recent; and 2) I know he cheated on his ex wife and the other emails I saw to Leigh Ann were during a timeframe when he was living with someone.</p><p>Our relationship has been great and up until this, I have never had reason to question anything.  His cell phone is unlocked and I've never noticed anything weird about calls or texts and he offered to give me his Facebook password, but I didn't want it.  I'm scared and can't get this out of my head.  I joined Horneymatches.com under an alias and tried to snoop around but couldn't find anything, but he has told me that he would meet people online living in other states when he was in the single scene.  I have received a couple of emails from Horneymatches.com and they look exactly the same as the emails I saw on his computer so I know they are responses to a profile.  Any suggestions??  Should I confront him again or leave what could be the "past" in the past?</p><p>Thank you.</p><p>    </p>

I think your biggest problem is that 3 weeks after marrying the man, you are being deceitful by snooping in his email without any good reason to do so.  Maybe you got bored and needed this type of a fix. You know why you did it--the quest now is for you to grasp that truth and deal with it.

Every dating site I've joined and have allowed the account to expire sends me emails about matches. So, yes, he's right when he says they're spam.  You, too, found that to be true when you created a false account to go trap him in something he never did.

You yourself said that anything directly sent by/to him was 6 months before you two even met.  What he did before he met you really is none of your business unless it was criminal activity or a child was created. That is not the case here.

Why didn't you just outright ask him for his email password before you looked?  That's why when you snoop/sneak to find information, you're going to get what your'e looking for.  Now you've got it and with it, the burden of the reality that your husband wasn't fashioned out of fairy tale whole cloth like you thought he was.  He was a single man living a single life and he was grown enough to sign up to anything he wanted to sign his name to--you do not fit into that part of his past.

 This man has given you abolutely no reason to take the actions you've taken--you conjured all of that up yourself and are trying to pin the blame on him for your own actions.  Frankly you're the one who needs confronting, not him.  You stooped to deception twice-and perhaps you need to speak with a therapist to find out why you reached for deceit first instead of just asking him for what you needed to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2012
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 11:53am

Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice.  When I say I found out "by accident" I meant that one day, while on my honeymoon in Hawaii, I got on his laptop, like I always do, excited to change my email address to my new married name.  When I entered the first letter of the name I wanted, to see if the name was available, an alias email propogated so I clicked on it and found what I found.  It all happened so quickly, but I did not intentially get on his computer to snoop.  I was shocked by what I saw and acted on emotion.  I understand he has a past, dated, was married -- just as I have.  What upset me was learning that he created a "fake" email address to cheat on the woman he was living with at the time and that he would join what I consider to be a disgusting sex hook up site.  And the emails (whether real or company generated, which I didn't know could occur) were received the same day I saw them - giving the initial impression that a profile is still in existence (which, IMO, should have been deleted when our relationship turned serious and exclusive).  I am not condoning my behavior.  I have never snooped and am an extremely trusting person.  I was on his computer all of a few minutes.  I have not brought it up to him again nor am I treating him any differently.  I am human and thought what most people might initially think upon stumbling across that kind of information -- especially on their honeymoon! 

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