Newly Married, But Discovered... :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2012
Newly Married, But Discovered... :(
19
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:03pm

Don't know that I selected the right topic for my question as I don't feel I am having relationship problems, but here is my situation.  I got married 3 weeks ago and while on my honeymoon, I discovered a fake email address on my husband's computer's login in.  His password for this email was already there so I logged on.  I found about 5 unopened email messages from "Horneymatches.com" that appeared to have been received that day (or maybe the day before).  I then went into his sent messages and also found emails he sent to a woman (Leigh Ann) who he appeared to have dated at one time.  These emails were sent 2 years before we even met with the most recent being sent 6 months before we met.  Nothing since.  I had to quickly log off so I wasn't able to get any more information.

I asked him about what I found and he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about and said that the Horneymatches emails are just spam emails.  (I know they are not - they are replies to a profile.)  What bothers me is: 1) that he would join a perverted sex hook up site and that the emails seem recent; and 2) I know he cheated on his ex wife and the other emails I saw to Leigh Ann were during a timeframe when he was living with someone.

Our relationship has been great and up until this, I have never had reason to question anything.  His cell phone is unlocked and I've never noticed anything weird about calls or texts and he offered to give me his Facebook password, but I didn't want it.  I'm scared and can't get this out of my head.  I joined Horneymatches.com under an alias and tried to snoop around but couldn't find anything, but he has told me that he would meet people online living in other states when he was in the single scene.  I have received a couple of emails from Horneymatches.com and they look exactly the same as the emails I saw on his computer so I know they are responses to a profile.  Any suggestions??  Should I confront him again or leave what could be the "past" in the past?

Thank you.

    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 1:03pm

Could be an old account he forgot to cancel and their still sending him e mails. I know I still get emails from places I may have bought something from years ago if I don't opt out of their automatic e mails. I would just assume that's the case. UNLESS there is OTHER suspicious behavior on his part that's probably what it is. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 1:33pm

I joined Ashley Madison after my divorce just to snoop around with no intention of contacting anyone or meeting up. Come to find out, they charge to delete your account which, I refuse to pay as I see it as a form of blackmail. How so?

So that my future SO's won't see the constant barrage of profiles contacting me via email saying that they are 'interested' in me bla bla bla. The only thing that I will do different with my SO is to let her know in advance of finding any of these emails what the history on it is.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 4:00pm

I agree they are probably automatic emails in response to him having been on the site at some point. He certainly could have a profile on that site that he has not looked at in a very long time, but he didn't get around to deleting it. I know I have accounts or profiles on any number of different types of sites from the last decade or more and I have no idea what they would be anymore.

I understand you also might jump to a conclusion based on his unfaithful past with his ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 9:29am

Acarson-

Hi. As others said, there is insufficient evidence he is cheating on you already. He can also only get angry by finding you snooped on him. So, don't say anything to him about what you found.

However, his past history of cheating is troubling, particularly since he did it repeatedly with more than one woman. If you weren't already married t him, I would have recommended not marrying him.

 If you haven't already done so, you should talk to him about why he cheated in the past.  This is important to understand how to avoid it in the future. It is also imperative that he tells you promptly if he has a problem with you. That way, resentments that could lead to cheating on you can be nipped in the bud.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 10:45am

trenner2 wrote:
<p>Acarson-</p><p>Hi. As others said, there is insufficient evidence he is cheating on you already. He can also only get angry by finding you snooped on him. So, don't say anything to him about what you found.</p>

that is further compounding the deception she's already engaged in. A newly married couple should have no secrets between them. Neither of them should do anything that builds a wall of secrecy. Lying by omission about what she has done is not the answer.

trenner2 wrote:
<<p>However, his past history of cheating is troubling, particularly since he did it repeatedly with more than one woman. If you weren't already married t him, I would have recommended not marrying him.</p><p> If you haven't already done so, you should talk to him about why he cheated <em>in the past.  </em>This is important to understand how to avoid it in the future. It is also imperative that he tells you <em>promptly</em> if he has a problem with you. That way, resentments that could lead to cheating on you can be nipped in the bud.</p>

the past is the past: just as he would have no business questioning how many men she'd slept with before she met him.  She already knew about him cheating on his previous partner before she said "I do", so bringing that up now serves no purpose, either.

It is far more imperative that OP comes clean about her deceit and projection.  He has done nothing to her to warrant where she took this.  Upon getting on his computer and seeing it was his account, that little red button up in the upper left (mac) or right (win) corner closes a program and she chose not to use it. She chose to invade his privacy.

If she is so insecure about his past, then she needed to address that long before she chose to look through his email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:07am

Kendahke-

Hi. I have to strongly disagree with you here. None of us are blank slates. Our pasts do affect us--and make us who we are now. Also, many people do learn the right lessons from past mistakes--but plenty of others don't. A person who has cheated repeatedly typically has a problem communicating his/her needs and/or has other issues that impede them. Sweeping all of this under the rug helps no one.

IMO, people should usually discuss their past relationships and sexual histories (or lack thereof) with their partners. This is important and useful information to insure the right lessons have been learned.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 11:51am

trenner2 wrote:
<p>Kendahke-</p><p>Hi. I have to strongly disagree with you here. None of us are blank slates. Our pasts do affect us--and make us who we are now. Also, many people do learn the right lessons from past mistakes--but plenty of others don't. A person who has cheated repeatedly typically has a problem communicating his/her needs and/or has other issues that impede them. Sweeping all of this under the rug helps no one.</p><p>IMO, people should usually discuss their past relationships and sexual histories (or lack thereof) with their partners. This is important and useful information to insure the right lessons have been learned.</p>

and that all should be ascertained before putting on the white dress, walking down the aisle and taking vows, not 3 weeks after.

she didn't find out about his past 3 weeks after she married him---she knew it before she woke up on her wedding day.. she knew it long before she booked the preacher, the church and the caterer.  It's a little late now to be complaining about her husband's past when she agreed to marry the man knowing his past.

further, my issue is encouraging her to be deceitful about what she has done when the last thing a newlywed should be doing or being encouraged to do is to lie by omission to her husband about behavior she chose to take over actions which she knew about long before she became his wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2012
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 11:40am

Call me a cynic if you will, but I can never fully trust a person who has lied to me or cheated in a relationship with me or anyone else.  I always anticipate that it will happen again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 3:43pm

Why open an email on your husband's computer if you didn't have a feeling something was going on before you saw it?

It may have been a snoop test by your husband, it may have not. Who knows.

What I can say is:

You were aware of his history you shouldn't be surprised.

If you're concerned this early in your relationship it isn't worth it in my opinion.

Cheaters will do all kind of weird stuff, like strange emails.

I hate technology.Undecided

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