Next Steps

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Next Steps
5
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 9:16am
This will probably be the most challenging for the day....I was married for 10 years and spent 8 years before that dating the same guy. We were having issues and unfortunately I succumbed to my human nature...it was probably due to the fact that someone found me attractive and interesting, etc..Anyhow we developed a relationship and began to talk on the phone, email, etc we also worked in the same field so whenever we ran into each other at conferences, ect we would succumb once again to our human nature..Long story short after an encounter two weeks ago, he refuses to call me back and or acknowledge I am even alive...I am assuming it's his way of saying so long sucker...Before leaving for a conference, I met someone at a local hangout-Unfortunately succumbed to human nature again, however spent the entire evening discussing my relationship with this other person, how I felt, how we met, basically the long story version..I was out of town for 10 days and called this "new" guy and we finally got together agian..it was like a date however due to our beginning it eventually ended up succumbing to human nature...we eventually succumbed twice that week..Then I went out out of town again and called him to ask him out for dinner-NOT A DATE-Just a friendly way of saying hey...anyhow he called me back and gave me the excuse he had already made plans with his friend for that evening and that he is so busy with work and going out of town he did not know when we would be able to see each other again..So here are my questions:

1) Should I assume the first scenario is OVER

2) Should I assume the second scenario is OVER

3) Should I start acting more responsible and try to develope a long-term relationship (even though after being in one for half my life) I really don't want one

I should also note with the second scenario-I would really like to develope a "friendship" with this person however have no idea to say to him? Is he blowing me off or just cooling off? My friend told me to not call him again and to wait till he initiates the next move-However I am a very aggressive type person and need to know where I stand all the time-I am busy with work as well and view scheduling time together just seemed like the logical thing to do...

Please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: sillygirl9999
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 10:42am

So, let me see if i understand this right...


You were with a guy for a total of 18 years, but recently you decided that was your "human nature" to cheat on him several times with at least two differrent men?What makes you rationalize this to it being our human nature to cheat on someone you are supposed to love, care for, be faithful to?


Truth of thematter is, this is unfair to all all parties involved.Not only will you end up hurting someone, if not yourself- its time to grow up. I think its fair to assume that both of these guys are blowing you off, there proably not into playing games, which seems like thats what you are trying to do.If you want to be with one of them, even just as freinds, you need to take their feelings seriously.

cl-marsexpert

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: sillygirl9999
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 10:47am

Cheating is not "succumbing to human nature" it is taking the easy way out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: sillygirl9999
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:02pm
I re read the post, James, and she said she WAS married. So, I, wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, assumed that meant she is no longer married. Maybe she will post again and clear it up.

I do agree that the terms being used are great for denial and avoidance, especially where shame and guilt are involved. It is cheating and it is adultry. It is the easy way out. And flowering up the terms doesn't make the pain any less for anyone.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
In reply to: sillygirl9999
Fri, 02-13-2004 - 12:16pm
Sorry..should have been clearer...I was married..now I am not

Due to my "human nature" incident the guilt crushed me

However the relationship was OVER emotionally and sexually..the sharing and caring was over for about two years prior to the incident.

Hope that clears things up
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: sillygirl9999
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:58am
Thank you. Ok, so you had an affair, fell in love and physically consummated that affair (there is such a thing as emotional affairs), and you actually ended your marriage. I did the same thing. Maybe that is why I sensed it.

I was married for 21 years and the marriage started going downhill in the first six months. We did too many drugs, partied and never really "cared" about anything. I ended up after one drunk night, pregnant (after being married for 9 years). That was the beginning of the darkest days of my life. After my son was born, I changed. I found something to change for...."me". I had to change me in order to be a good mother. My ex, wasn't going fot that. He didn't have to change, he was "OK" just the way he was. He was miserable and unhappy and hated the world, but that was "ok". I stayed married "for the kids sake" even though the relationship was a nightmare.

Well, I met someone who cared. And I had learned to care. So, I filed for divorce. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my kids. Yes, I had another one (due to another drunk night). I have been through years of therapy, and am in therapy right now with my BF, because we do not, and will not repeat the same mistakes. I have never been more content with my life, my children have never seemed more content with themselves.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.