No advice for LADIES w/ commitment scare

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
No advice for LADIES w/ commitment scare
4
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:43am
I went through all the article headlines about commitment. . . .

All of them are about GUYS being afraid to commit!!! It's always like this!!!!

There aren't any other girls like me??.......deathly afraid to commit???!!!

I guess I am the guy in the relationship, because it's the other way around.

My boyfriend is the clingy one, and i'm the one who is most afraid of marriage.

any advice from the expert?
-MJL
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:10am
I was like that for years. LOL! you are not alone. In fact, I was so bad that I even passed my fears on to my younger female cousin. I realized I had a problem when she called me once to brag about how she was "playing some chump" like I did. That made me take a long, hard look at myself. It's not very pleasant to analyze your own faults...ha ha.

I used to date guys for no longer than 6 months. They weren't allowed to meet my family, they were never invited to important events, and up until my current man, every single guy I dated complained about how "unavailable" I was. That should have been a red flag, but at the time I just felt men took up too much time in my life and i had other things to concern myself with. I realized later on that I saw them as accesories. When one got dull or wore out their use, I traded and got another one. I even fell into the trap of saying "I love you" back to them (though never, ever saying it first) without really meaning it just to make them feel better. At the time, I swore that I would never get close enough to let someone hurt me like my dad hurt my mom.

But you know what? I got nothing out of it. I have no real memories, no stories to tell, and nothing to think back on because I never took anyone seriously. I was so bad that at 10yrs old I told my mother I would never get married! I was just going to be rich an have "friends" because friends came to stay for a night or two and then you could send them home. But one day I actually fell in love and all that changed. Did I get hurt? Yeah, I did. But I now know that what I was running from wasn't so bad. It can sting when it doesn't work out, but you live through it. Now that I know what I want and don't want in a relationship and in a man, I'm less afraid of committing and less afraid of getting hurt. I now know that I can handle disappointment and I have the ability to find a man who wll be good for me in the long run. Sometimes you've got to get burned to know how not to burned ever again. :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 4:21pm
Hi,

Thanks for your story. I have been hurt before.....bad. And since then I never really had a boyfriend. I would play guys like crazy. It was fun, and I loved that guys couldn't "get" me, but that they would fall for me so bad. It was a game to me. I loved playing with guys emotions, but feeling nothing. (I have problems huh) :)

NOW though, I met a guy, known him for 3 years, and we are really serious.

He's 6 yrs older than me. I feel like i'm ready to settle down and be with someone and commit, but i'm also totally scared. I have stayed faithful, but i'm afraid that i'm gunna want that game back!!

THis guy is great though. He treats me so good and I"m learning to do the same. We are completely open with eachother. He knows I am afraid to commit and afraid of marriage.

I mean, look at all these divorces these days! I DO NOT WANT THAT!!!!
-MJL
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 9:42pm
I am totally with YOU!!!!no, you are not the only one who is afraid to commit!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:04pm
any articles for us ladies who are scared to commit?
-MJL