No affection

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
No affection
4
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:14pm
The advice provided on this board has been invaluable; I hope I can get a little help with this one...

One recurring theme in my relationship with my GF has been her lack of affection towards me. I am a very affectionate person. Not in the sense that I hug everyone I see, but that I like to be in physical contact with her, I like to smile at her and laugh with her. Unfortunately, she does not. I can try to cuddle in bed with her, and she'll just lay there. I will reach over to hold her hand, and it stays limp. I actually have to reach over with my other hand and close her fingers around my hand.

We've talked about it before (usually ending in an argument); she claims she's just not like that. When I ask her if she enjoys the attention I give her, she says yes, she loves it. But when I ask why she can't return that affection, again, "she's not like that".

What am I missing?!? It's driving me crazy that I can do things to her/for her that she loves, but what about me? When you're with someone you love, shouldn't you want to do things that make them happy? Am I expecting too much when I expect affection??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:31pm
There's nothing wrong with you or her. She's right. She's just not like that. I am the same way too where I wasn't really affectionate with my ex. He asked me that question too. I answered him with a "I'm not like that".. Well, I didn't like to be really affectionate because of some reasons. I didn't want to get into deep and end up getting too attached and hurt in the end if our relationship wasn't going to work. Then, there's being shy to show. I was afraid to show affectionate because I was afraid it would look too funny or that he would freak out showing so much affectionate from me like he's tied down and that he's mine. All crazy thoughts that would prevent a person for showing their affectionacy. I guess I was just trying to play it safe. Also, I liked it more that my ex was one who showed the aggressiveness because it made me feel wanted. Maybe you should talk to your gilfriend and find out more about it and tell her how you feel about her not giving in. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:51pm
When in a committed relationship, one would think that if there is something specific your sig other needs to feel 'comfortable' in the relationship, appreciated, loved, welcomed into your space, I think (and have expeirenced) that if you are 'in love' it's something you would want to give that other person. Dr Phil's book Relationship Rescue covers this topic.

Another book to consider is: Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: istressedout
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:04pm

When she says that shes not like that, it probably the truth.There are people who just dont enjoy that kind of "stuff".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
In reply to: istressedout
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 8:05am
Hey, dude.

I have pretty much the same issue you have (see "I'm a guy who has a burning question"). An invaluable piece of advice I got in this forum is to look very carefully for ways she shows care that aren't physical and that we overlook. I was also told basically not to stress out, to back off a little bit so she has space for herself, and to believe that she'll reciprocate down the road. If it's a big problem, it can be solved through a counselor (but that's only when everything else fails after being seriously tried).

The point of the matter is not to be discouraged. If you love your gf, that will surely give you strength and patience, and help you overcome your stress. It'll sure help me with mine.