No marriage just room mates

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
No marriage just room mates
5
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 4:28pm
Hello, can anyone help me? This is going to be lengthy since I've been holding so much in for so long. I have been married for 11 years now. My husband and I basically grew into adulthood together. We married when we were still in high school. We have 3 great kids. For the past 2 years we have been becoming more distant. I've been more involved w/the kids school, homework, homelife, work, etc. He's just had his friends around him all the time and he is always on the phone. It has bothered me in the past that we didn't talk to each other much and it would always end up in an argument. We have tried separating but it hurts both of us way too much (and the kids) and we both end up crying and then getting back together. So, that's definitely out of the question. But for the past month and a half there has been no sex whatsoever. We don't talk anymore, not like we ever really did. But, now, I will tell him about an appt or about something that is important and he will listen but he won't remember and he'll act like I never mentioned it to him. He finally told me that he never listens to what I say. It was just a hurtful thing to hear because now I feel like a little girl. When I go home after work,I start dinner, we eat. He goes into his garage and he stays out there all night doing who knows what. I go in there and he's just sitting in there smoking and talking to his friends on the cell phone. When he calls me at work now he just calls to ask if the kids are all right at home because I go home during lunch to check on them. Then, it's back to the same ol' same ol'. NO communication. I get his cell phone bill and see that he spends hours at a time talking to his friends, family, etc but only "2" minutes every other day to me!!! I'm so depressed now that I have to start taking anti-depressants. I cry all the time. I can't talk to him about anything cause he will yell and tell me I'm being stupid and just shoots me down. If I tell him I'm leaving him, he says go ahead-he'll open the door for me. Can anyone help me?...if anything just be a listening ear and a friend. I really could use a good friend. Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:03pm
I was almost in the same posion exept me and my ex were only together for 3 and a half years and most of our conversations were mostly yelling back and forth.

I Loved her with all my heart and still do but if all you do is fight or not even talk at all it's more pain in the long run. So I think you need to sit down and think long and hard about what YOU and your kids need. you also will have to think about how he's been acting will affect your kids.

Take care

Dana

my E:Mail addy is :

Opsicle1@hotmail.com

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:32pm

This is a deeply unhealthy situation and it is dangerous for you to stay in it as it is. His behavior is not neutral or simply withdrawn, there is a lot of anger and rejection involved in this. It could even be called abusive. It is understandable that you are becoming depressed, and in fact this could worsen if you let things remain as they are.


For some men, rather than have the courage to express their needs and feelings and work things through they act out - they become what is called passive agressive and hurt their partners by what they do not do or give. It seems as though by behaving in this hostile manner he is trying to drive you to be the one to say "enough, I'm done."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 2:50am
WOW - I am feeling the same way about my relationship and we have only been married for 3 years - We used to have great fun together well at least I think we did - now - forget it - laugh been a while - sex - next to never - totally relate to the roommate feeling - I too feel no connection - I do know that couples can grow apart and unless both parties agree to change it - it will continue to stay that way. I really feel for you when he opens the door for you - if the kids are all gone - I would say go for it and start a new life - a new happy life - We have a 2 year old together - I ponder if we should stay together or if it would be best for each of our happiness if I was to just move out and get a place of my own away from all the hurt. dellis@highstream.net
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 5:26am
I know the type of behavior, you have described, has led to some women having affairs to meet their needs for companionship with someone who cares. This is not the way I think people should go but it points out the danger of what is going on in your marriage. Dr. Phil has a book out "Relationship Rescue" $9.95 in Wal-Mart that is a good book. I would suggest working with the one you can which is you. Pretend for a while that you don't have a husband and that you want to spend time working out, visiting with girl friends, going to school, taking an art class, jogging in the morning etc. Make a life for your self that is fun and good for you, your husband will begin to take notice. It puts you in the drivers seat as to when you have time to talk to him.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:41am
Thank you for suggesting that book. I will read it. I have registered to go back to school. I do need to make a life for myself to make me happy. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:49pm
GOOD FOR YOU !!!!