no more chemistry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
no more chemistry
5
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 6:31am
Hello everyone.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. We were very passionate physically at first, but it became less and less passionate. In the beginning I was not really interested in a relationship with him, but after we got together and started a relationship, the physical passion just sort of disappeared. We had sex twice before he went abroad for two months. Since his return there has been no passion whatsoever in our relationship. Other than that we are really happy and feel very blessed to be together. We kiss all the time, touching and holding one another but no sex or jumping one another. We decided we really want to work this out as the relationship is just too special to throw away. We both have a history of being crap at serious, intimate relationship and have had quite a few one night stands and he had an affair with a married woman.

Any takers on how we can rekindle the flame we had in the beginning of the relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:36am
If I were you I'd take this as a sign that you and he are not a right fit. Chemistry between people who are right for one another last years. If something fizzles out within months, it's a pretty sure bet that it's not going to get rekindled. It was infatuation and that kind of passion only exists while it's new.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:39am
Honestly, I don't think that you and your boyfriend have lost the chemistry in your relationship. What I think is occurring is that you two are at the point where you are truly getting to know one another as individuals. Perhaps abstaining from sex will give you both an opportunity to truly get to know one another - as man & as woman. In relationship, you should want your partner to be your best friend, your soulmate - the type of unconditional relationship that doesn't require sex in order for the relationship to sustain. The fact that your frequency at this point has decreased doesn't indicate that his interests in you has faded or vice versa - and more importantly - it doesn't mean that the chemistry is gone. I think that this situation is affording you the opportunity to really build a foundation for a relationship that isn't based on sex alone. You say that he is a blessing to you & vice versa - well, I think that you should change your way of thinking and view this opportunity as a blessing as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:53am
Maybe I misread your post the first time. Are you equating chemistry and passion with the number of times you have sex? Chemistry is the physical attraction and physical desire you feel when you are together. Don't use the frequency of sex as your gauge to how the relationship is going. It's normal to be more frequent at the beginning. My other reply still stands, however, if you were talking about not feeling physical attraction for one another, or the "spark" being gone. That's chemistry and passion. And that is needed in a relationship, because that's the difference between a friendship and a romantic partnership. And again, that won't fizzle out within months if the person is right for you.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 11:02am

Chemistry and sexual desire are very much affected by emotions, especially deeper feelings that we may be unaware of. If both of you have a history of being afraid of serious, committed relationships - and you feel this way with one another, that may be enough to turn the passion off. Having sexual passion and satisfaction coupled with feelings of closeness and intimacy can be much too scary for many.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 2:14am
Thank you so much for your responses!

I read a chapter last night in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" about keeping the magic of love alive. John Gray has an interesting theory that I think may be applicable in this situation. He says that once a person feels that he/she is loved unconditionally, latent fears and past hurts surface in the subconcious.

In my relationship, the decrease in wanting to jump each other's bones was initiated by my boyfriend (I just sort of gave up after a few rejections). When I think back, this was around the time I admitted I have developed feelings for him. I wanted to reassure him, because he has been chasing me up until that stage and was feeling very unsure about how I felt. I am the first serious girlfriend he has had in 4 years. He ended his previous relationship because he was having an affair with a married woman (a good friend of his). They ended the affair when her husband found out (about 3 years ago). He still suffers from feelings of guilt and sadness and said before that he doesn't deserve someone as good as me. I think my unconditional love and forgiveness took him by surprise. I really believe that these past mistakes and hurts and unhealthy relationships are now taking their toll. I don't want to tell him I think he needs to see a therapist, but I really do think he should! Do you think this theory of mine makes sense?

Thank you so much for your help.

Karen