no one has done anything wrong...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
no one has done anything wrong...
7
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 1:52am

Hi all -


I am at a loss - my dh of over 18 years and I get along great most of the time. We have 3 teenage boys and have gone through some tough spots and some changes. The back story is we were married when I was 20 and he was 24 - the babies came soon thereafter and until about 9 years ago I stayed home full time - then I started volunteering and then substitute teaching. I learned from substituting that I really want to be a counselor so I started college on 2004 at age 35 and graduated in 2007. The growth that has happened as part of me getting more educating has caused this major insecurity in my dh. The next step is my MA to be able to do the work I really want to do.


The problem is - he tells me I look down on him since getting my degree. He is grounchy more often than not and is always nagging the boys and often puts me in the middle of what they have going on because he has this all or nothing thing. To describe it - it is like if I talked to him about reading sports illustrated too much he would say "fine then I will never read it again" - he does not talk, negotiate or converse constructively. If I try to talk to him about ANYTHING this is the response I get. If I try to get him to BE constructive I am being all "shrinky". There are times we have fun together but even the bedroom feels forced and obligitory these days. His kisses taste like tobacco which grosses me out lately - for some reason my senses have been heightened and I can even smell smoke in cars that pass me on the road.


The hard part is - with all the personal growth I have worked toward I do feel incredibly balanced personally and professionally. I do feel at times he holds my dreams back because I do love him and we have this history but to be honest I am not getting what I need out of the relationship. I have asked point blank for what I need he does it for a week and that is it. Our relationship would be great if we were still 20 and 24 but we are not. I don't feel I can even express myself fully emotionally with him - for example - we are dropping our oldest to college in three weeks - my heart is breaking (don't get me wrong I am fully excited for him - but he is my baby) and my dh thinks it is ridiculous that this makes me tear up when I think about it. He has repeatedly told people "I don't know why she feels that way..." and semi mocks my feelings when I have explained it to him - repeatedly. Not only did my oldest and I grow up together (essentially) but because I wanted to parent differently I learned to be a better person because he (and his brothers) were my boys. My identity is solid without being their mom but it is one of those things that he and his brothers came here as old souls who had something to teach me. I often feel totally alone even with him - I think we are to the point where we have a comfortable friendship but is that reason enough to settle for a life without passion or romance for the next forty something years?


This is in no way about there being another person - it is just I want a true partner in this relationship not someone who is passive aggressive and does not want to grow at all together. ANy insights appreciated. I know I am not perfect but I can't always put the energy in to keep the relationship going for both of us - not with our busy lives anyway.

Courtney


You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope some day you'll join us....


Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 7:57am

I would say that your husband's view that you look down on him after completing your education is spot on - all you have to do is reread your post objectively.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 8:46am
When I read your post I was having some sympathy; I had the mid-life "is this relationship all there is?" questions too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 11:05am

I agree 100% with americanjin. You seem to be sustaining a lot of resent for your husband - I am positive this does not go unnoticed by him. How would you feel if he went ahead and did something for personal improvement, but instead of just feeling better about himself, he felt worse about you in the end? I am sure you would be upset.

I think you really need to look and find things about him to value and cherish. But it's also not right for him to mock you if you become emotional. That's bullying.

You both have communication errors (both talking and listening) going on and are having a difficult time really seeing one another's perspective. I really think that marital counseling is an absolute MUST.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 12:01pm

I actually do not look down on him - I think he is a great guy. Yes, he may have financially supported the family while the boys were growing up but I always worked part time in the evenings to also do my financial part. I do not consider him to be stagnant - I consider him to be afraid. His work pays 80% of any education he gets - he has always talked about going backt o school which is why I waited. He could go in and probably only need the core classes to get a BA with all his work courses. He has talked about this for about eight years but has never actually done it. I support all these things and encourage him to do it.


I do not have contempt for my husband - I have many feeling which I have not been able to express to him. Ah - perhaps that has grown into contempt in some ways. I have talked to him about not being able to be fully who I am with him because he mocks the things that really matter to me. I guess that is ok though? Perhaps I have not forgiven him as much as I thought for his betrayls in the past. Perhaps it is that I have grown in one way and he in another and what I was asking is if this can work or is the space between too much.


We have been together twenty years and I have changed in many ways but not the core of who I am. I do know a little about human development and some growth is normal over a twenty year span. I want a relationship where I can cry and not be mocked for it. Is this really too much to ask? I can't share my real feelings with him and I am sorry I think I should be able to with a partner. I have had the conversations - it is all or nothing with him - I have been specific - I have asked what he would like out of the relationship - I feel I have worked very hard to make it work - but I want a deeper connection.


Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 12:27pm

The sport illustrated thing - was not real - it was an example for how he reacts in any conversation. He sees everything in black and white. I have NEVER to him his kisses are gross - and it is chewing tobacco which IS gross but I have not said it. The boys do but I suggested once after he was in the hospital with a kidney stone that he had been a week without it perhaps he could stay away and how could I help wth it. He went right back to it.


I am in the middle with the boys because he comes home does not know the big picture and jumps on their cases - they come to me because I see the whole thing go down and boom - in the middle. My dh is a good dad - he struggles to connect because he keeps everyone at an arms length - that IS the core issue. I believe it goes back to his parents divorce - it happened when he was 9 and his family had just moved from a street where all the families were going through divorces. In his 9 year old brain he thought "phew, we left just in time" which ultimately the move was just mom and the kids so his dad could go marry his girlfriend. I think from that day on he has had a wall up and no one has been able to get through. Which creates safety for him but no real connections.


I have for the past maybe five years been totally supportive of him and always let him know he is doing well. I try to do all the stuff he can't get to when he has lots of overtime and encourage him to share and chase his dreams. I read in a book once something about be for the other person what you would like to have back in the relationship and it will eventually come around. It didn't but I am still trying. I do compliment him - all the stuff I have shared here was like a purge of things that have not been said just building crap inside me. Maybe I do resent in some ways because I do have two jobs, plus being a mom and doing the lion's share of the house and yard work - again - at this point it should be a partnership. BUT - if I mention anything to him the conversation is all or nothing - there is never a discussion or compromise or a meeting in the middle. I do think it is funny that he respects my opinion enough to talk about tough situations in work or other outside the house things and with reagrds to those things we have great conversations. I have talked him through a number of dicey situations.

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 12:44pm

We have done the marriage counseling thing - he did a bad thing when I was pregnant with our third child which in hindsight probably saved our marriage but totally sucked at the time. The one thing we agreed on other than the fact that we can always talk about money is the counselor sucked. She made broad assumptions and clearly looked down on me as a young mom - dh pointed it out.


I think the part everyone seems to be missing is I shared with this board what was in my heart - I have tried to have conversations - heart to hearts with my husband he totally resists.


The resnetment or contempt I have is all about the day to day crap that I ask for help with and he doesn't - I do 100% of the bill paying, organizing, planning, appointment making, gift buying, card sending, party planning, financial aid and college paperwork I do the majority of the house cleaning, cooking, scheduling, and running for the household - at this point I am tired. Again, I have asked for help with all these things and maybe this has created some ongoing crud for the relationship. He won't even read the business mail that comes for him.


Let me ask you this - if your spouse asked you for more physical affection outside of the bedroom because they needed that what would you do? And by physical affection I mean hand holding, touching of the shoulder, a hug or maybe even a kiss (when there is no chewing tobacco). Is this something you would withhold from your spouse who asked?

Courtney


You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope some day you'll join us....


Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Sat, 08-02-2008 - 6:01pm

Okay, I think I understand, what you're saying is that in your post you were