No time for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
No time for me
10
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:20pm
my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. There seems to be a recurring problem that is starting to make me crazy. He has a 6 year old son that he sees daily. usually he takes him back to his mother around 8:00 everynight, then my boyfriend will come over to see me. I don't have a problem with him seeing his son (or his ex everyday) but he also works in the medical profession and is on call quite often. Lately i only get to see him once or twice a week. This weekend he's not on call but is taking his son out of town. I'm getting really frustrated!! He says he wants to see me but it is always on his terms. I have an active life, lots of friends and things to do but I feel like I have to wait and see if he'll have time for me and I know I deserve better than that. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:00pm


Of course when you see him it's "on his terms". He is a medical professional on call constantly, and he has a small son. Those are the terms that his life revolves around right now.

His son and his work are non-negotiables. You're there on the list but at best you're in third place. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it just means that he has a job and a kid, and those come first. If you want someone who is in a position to put YOU first, find a man with no children who works a 9-5 job.

Now, that said, has he tried to include you in any activities with his son? You've been seeing each other for a year. That's a long enough time for him to have gotten to know you, made you a presence in his life, and to want to inform his son about your relationship so that you can get to know each other. If your bf isn't at that point yet, perhaps your bf doesn't know himself what he wants from your relationship in the future, and doesn't want to introduce his son to you until he does.

I would talk to him about all of this if I were you. Ask if there are things you and your bf and his son can do together, at least some of the time! If your bf is reluctant that's a warning bell. If you are reluctant, that's an even bigger warning bell.

Saucygirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 2:22pm
thank you for your advice. I think you're right in all areas. I know I haven't been able to spend time with him and his son because his ex-wife would have a fit about that. That doesn't seem too realistic to me. Anyway, you've given me food for thought....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:03pm
I am in the same situation, and it really does suck. I personally think you should talk to him, and tell him how you feel. If he truly wants to be with you, he will understand where you are coming from and work things out with you. He would make time for you specfically, not just keep you waiting around until he has time for you. If he doesn't undestand, then you really do deserve better. It would be very hard to leave him, but then again I wouldn't want to destroy a father/son relationship. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:15pm
that's just it - I would never want to get between him and his son. That's not the goal. I guess I'd just like to feel like I matter. I really don't like feeling that I come 5th on the list of his priorities...his friends even his ex-wife comes before me. When I have talked to him about it, it gets better for a while, then of course when the pressure is off it starts to go back to the way it was. We've broken up a couple of times and each time he has called to say that he doesn't want to be apart. i guess I have some serious soul searching to do....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 7:44pm
'even his ex-wife comes before me'

Yikes! If this is true then you need to think long and hard of you want things to continue.

He should be on good terms with his wife for his son's sake but not to the point where he alters what he would like to do because she would have a fit over something that really isn't any of her business. If you aren't coming in the way of his relationship with his son or harming his son in any way I don't see why she is so upset. You need to find out what this is about. Is he over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 8:10pm
I believe a little new perspective might help.

The relationship he has with his son of obviously of paramount importance. and that is great. He sees the child daily and parents daily..which requires a great deal of time shuttling him to and from the child's mother. As a result - he also sees the ex-wife daily. Not a problem, that might actually keep problems at lower levels becuase she doesn't perceive she's "waiting in line" to get to him about issues regarding his child and they had discuss and compromise before conflict is a possibility.

He's in the medical profession. He chose that, he remains in it. There are obligations within that field that you can't change or control with your presence in his life. Nor can any other woman...and in some instances, his son, for that matter.

So, look objectively at the reality that is his life. He spends a great deal of his day working in a stressful profession that requires him to be on call, as well, at times. He parents his son daily and that requires shuttling back and forth adn dealing with the ex. He also has a residence to maintain in some semblance of order.

So where would that obviously leave someone in his life? Well, relegated to 4th as a priority - at a minimum. Possibly a 5th level depending on how much of that residential consistency is necessary to parent the child effectively by his standards.

So, this guy isn't seeking someone that is needy, clingy, or wants to be prioritized overmuch. HE's needing someone that is very practical and realistic, that has emotional needs of a limited nature, and handles communication effectively. HE's got alot going on.

Just from that scenario - are you that woman? Can you continue to pursue your goals, see your friends, and do whatever you want and if seeing him doesn't conflict with your goals, your pursuits, your career - you'll do it. Becuase that is exactly sort of woman he needs in his life - so that she's not always considering herself last on the priority list.

Adn don't feel negatively about yourself if you say "wait, hold up, I want a relationship where we share intersts and have mutual values and goals. I want a relationship that allows us more one-on-one time so that we run together, and we cook together. So that we do more than snuggle up at night together. I want someone who shares a glass of wine in front of hte fire in the winter, and someone who lounges on the beach with me in the summer."

That's great...if that's what you want....review his life and you'll see - this is NOT the man for you. HE's already got commitments, oblligations, goals and responsibilies all of which are prioritized by him, and all of which restrict his time an dhis options regarding "a mate".

Often people like him are seen as emotionaly distant, more as if they want someone to facilitate their goals, and assist with their responsibilities while the exchange is providing you with a lifestyle you couldn't for yourself on your own efforts, education, and abilities. And sometimes...that is exactly what those sorts of people want, desire, require and will only accept that as a dynamic.

More often than not, those people want a mate that realizes there is joy in duty and obligation, and there is plenty of that to go aroudn in their life and they're not adverse to creating more obligation and duty with them, as well. But there's not going to be lots of "shared moments" when you date a single parent who parents every day (applause, applause) and who works in a stressful and on-call profession. There's going to be lots of unity and serenity and solidarity with that type of person -if you share values, goals, and perception of life and responsibility to self.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:38pm
I wanted to thank everyone for their responses. After some serious thought, I decided to talk to my guy and I even let him read what I had written here. We talked and talked....he had no idea I felt that way (even though I had tried to tell him before). Anyway, the point is that all is well and it ALWAYS pays to communicate. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:42pm
You chose to date someone with a young son - and you knew this when you started dating. Please don't fault him for being an active and involved father and for making his son - a priority over you. If that isn't acceptable to you he is the wrong guy for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:43pm
I don't think his 6 year old should spend much time around you unless you are close to getting married - why have him get attached to you before there is a real commitment? Not fair to the child, IMHO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:25am
I know how you feel. I'm going through the same thing now only the boys are staying with their dad for the summer. In the past 5 weeks I have seen my bf maybe 3 times. He just say's that he's busy and will make time for me when summer is over!!!!! Well I have decided that I am better than that and even though I love him with all my heart I am now doing what I want and doing it when I want. As a matter of fact he invited me over this past weekend and I turned him down, I told him that I had something else to do. (I didn't) but now he gets it, and he didn't like the feeling! You are worth alot more to the world if you enjoy it, so stop. It seems like they can make time if you act like you don't have it to give!

Mel