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| Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:58pm |
I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. Both have been married in the past. I have a five years old daughter he has a six year old son. His schedule at that time was school during the day, work at night, every other weekend out of town to see son except during the summer( son is with us), reserves once a month (two weeks every August). I told him before we got started he was too busy for a serious relationship. I was convinced it can work. I would even go out of town with him. About three months later he moved in with me no more school and a new day job. Now he has more time and instead he spends that either doing family things or asleep. The only time we spend time is when we are intimate (for a whole 5 minutes) if he does not fall asleep before the kid(s) are in bed. When I tried to talk it out with him it led to an arguement. Now I just keep to myself. I do what is needed than I retire to the room reading a book or watching TV. Does not feel like a relationship anymore. Is some time with him alone to much to ask? Am I being selfish? We do the family time. He will finally make plans when he sees I am getting very tired of it. When I make plans he falls asleep. Even had candles music and stayed up when he was returning from seeing his son once. He blow out the candle said I was going to burn something than got on the phone. I went to bed alone. HELP

Move out and concentrate on rearing your daughter independently. When she's 18 then think about dating.
Can you live like this (similar to how you have been living all along with him) or not? Don't count on him to change since he starts arguments when you bing it up. Tell him you are serious and will leave if things don't change and then do it.
The fact is that your daughter will pay for your recklessness and instability. She already lost her intact family, and soon she might lose mom's new boyfriend that she may have bonded with. Then there will be others after him in a parade of boyfriends in and out of both their lives. Studies overseas and in the U.S. have actually shown that the children of divorce have better long term outcomes in terms of emotional health and overall stability when the custodial parent puts their love life on the back burner and concentrates on child-rearing. In addition, children (particularly female children) who reside with an unrelated adult male are at 300% greater risk of abuse and/or molestation by that male. Go to www.center4policy.org/v-childabuse.htm#FatherFigures. The title of the paper is "Are Father Surrogates a Risk Factor for Child Molestation." Also go online and read the research done by Michael Stiffman, M.D. on this issue. Try the April 2002 issue of Pediatrics Journal Volume 109 No. 4.