no time spent

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
no time spent
7
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:58pm
I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. Both have been married in the past. I have a five years old daughter he has a six year old son. His schedule at that time was school during the day, work at night, every other weekend out of town to see son except during the summer( son is with us), reserves once a month (two weeks every August). I told him before we got started he was too busy for a serious relationship. I was convinced it can work. I would even go out of town with him. About three months later he moved in with me no more school and a new day job. Now he has more time and instead he spends that either doing family things or asleep. The only time we spend time is when we are intimate (for a whole 5 minutes) if he does not fall asleep before the kid(s) are in bed. When I tried to talk it out with him it led to an arguement. Now I just keep to myself. I do what is needed than I retire to the room reading a book or watching TV. Does not feel like a relationship anymore. Is some time with him alone to much to ask? Am I being selfish? We do the family time. He will finally make plans when he sees I am getting very tired of it. When I make plans he falls asleep. Even had candles music and stayed up when he was returning from seeing his son once. He blow out the candle said I was going to burn something than got on the phone. I went to bed alone. HELP
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: smarti28
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:05pm
It may sound impossible but it sounds like it is time to start over, the relationship needs to be refreshed if it is going to work. There is too much predictability and not enough excitement here. At this rate it sounds like you are fed up and I don't blame you. You are not being selfish for wanting to spend alone time with your man. I know schedules can conflict and stress or fatigue can occur but you have needs and if those are not being met it is time to re-evaluate your happiness in this relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: smarti28
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:36pm
You are the mother of a 5 year old girl. Is it really a good idea to be "playing house" with a guy and his little boy? You use the phrases "family things" and "family time," but you aren't a family. You're just shacking up. Calling your arrangement a "family" doesn't make it so, and its going to mess up your daughter big time.

Move out and concentrate on rearing your daughter independently. When she's 18 then think about dating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: smarti28
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:51pm
You chose a man who was too busy and too distracted for a relationship. He still is, he just uses his time differently, with what seems like less important activities to you. He likes to escape to avoid things.

Can you live like this (similar to how you have been living all along with him) or not? Don't count on him to change since he starts arguments when you bing it up. Tell him you are serious and will leave if things don't change and then do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
In reply to: smarti28
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:08pm
You should try looking in the dictionary you will find a family is much more than what you believe. My daughter would have really been messed up it I had stayed in my bad marriage. Now she is loving life and the family time and atention she receives now. Playing house was with a husband who did not know where his house was. It really seems to me you are in need of so advice also. Life is to short to be so close minded.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: smarti28
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 6:15pm
No one suggested that you remain in a bad marriage. But you seem to have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Going from one bad situation into another just because you were lonely is doing your daughter a disservice. You are making the same mistake that so many single mothers of your generation are making - you rationalize that if your love life is satisfying, then your child will be happy too. Its a disturbing trend and there is a psychological term for it. Its called "projecting."

The fact is that your daughter will pay for your recklessness and instability. She already lost her intact family, and soon she might lose mom's new boyfriend that she may have bonded with. Then there will be others after him in a parade of boyfriends in and out of both their lives. Studies overseas and in the U.S. have actually shown that the children of divorce have better long term outcomes in terms of emotional health and overall stability when the custodial parent puts their love life on the back burner and concentrates on child-rearing. In addition, children (particularly female children) who reside with an unrelated adult male are at 300% greater risk of abuse and/or molestation by that male. Go to www.center4policy.org/v-childabuse.htm#FatherFigures. The title of the paper is "Are Father Surrogates a Risk Factor for Child Molestation." Also go online and read the research done by Michael Stiffman, M.D. on this issue. Try the April 2002 issue of Pediatrics Journal Volume 109 No. 4.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
In reply to: smarti28
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:09am
What's funny to me is that you have yet to discuss the topic I wrote about. Now you have jumped to my daughter being molestated. You are to far done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: smarti28
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:42pm
I haven't addressed your original issue because its so trivial in comparison to the big picture (the impact on your daughter). You can't see the forest for the trees. You are "ignoring the elephant in your living room," so to speak.