no trust, no relationship??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
no trust, no relationship??
2
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 6:41am
I've been together with this guy for a year now, and he has only been faithful to me for 3 months, since last november. He started cheating one me with other girls since the very beginning of our relationship. The first time was with this other girl, and they were together for more than a month, and then I find out that his ex girlfriend who i thought was his best friend, ended up not being just his best friend, not even his ex girlfriend, but his girlfriend. They ended when she found out about me and him back in july, but went back to him and continued doing the things that they used to do, talk on the phone, say i miss you and i love you and just last october she came to visit down here from up north and has her ways with him. The reason why he said that he cheated on me in the begining was because he didnt think that me and him were ever going to last. I cannot trust him with anything anymore, not even when it comes to telling me the truth. Because of all the things that he said before to keep me from finding out about those other girls. I feel like I have to check up on him 24/7 just to see what he is doing because im always worried who he's talking to and who he is with. I am a full time college student and i cannot even concetrate on school whenever i know he has free time in his hands. I am sick and tired of doing this to myself and sick and tired of always having to worry and not having any trust. I love him so much, I've tried letting him go several times, but couldnt do it. So now i've settled on working things out with him because he means so much to me. I really beleive that he could change. Now the main problem lies on his ex girlfriend. they are still friends and want to remain friends with her, but the problem is i am not okay with that because that was what he told me before, that they were just friends after she found out about us. Then I found out that they were pretty much still talking and working things out. He told me that the reason why he wants to keep her as a friend is because she was his childhood, the basically grew up together. Now the question is, should i let these insecurities go and let him be friends with her, or should i put my foot down and tell him i have had enough? and how can i start trusting him again? because honestly, it just seems like withought trust, we never had a relationship, all we had was some good times. Please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:45pm
You are wasting your time. You only get what you accept for yourself, and if you accept this then I think you should try to find out why you don't think you deserve better. Counselling would be a good idea IMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:33pm
I know you say you love him, but to me this isn't love.... this is clinging to a guy that you've decided is your source of happiness, that for some reason if he isn't in your life, then you aren't good enough, loveable, wanted, like your self-esteem is based on whether or not he wants to be with you. So not true and so not love.

Let me break down your post:

::He started cheating one me with other girls since the very beginning of our relationship. The first time was with this other girl, and they were together for more than a month, and then I find out that his ex girlfriend who i thought was his best friend, ended up not being just his best friend, not even his ex girlfriend, but his girlfriend.

So basically he cheating on her with you. Until she found out about you.

::They ended when she found out about me and him back in july, but went back to him and continued doing the things that they used to do, talk on the phone, say i miss you and i love you and just last october she came to visit down here from up north and has her ways with him.

Of course because her self-worth is tied into him wanting him also. Plus this also tells me, he picks the same type of women - low self-esteem, they put up with his cheating, he can easily lie and manipulate them.

::The reason why he said that he cheated on me in the begining was because he didnt think that me and him were ever going to last.

That is a crock. He did it because he wanted to. He wanted to carry on with two women, wanted to have sex with both of you. Wanted to string you both along. Does wonders for his ego.

::I cannot trust him with anything anymore, not even when it comes to telling me the truth. Because of all the things that he said before to keep me from finding out about those other girls. I feel like I have to check up on him 24/7 just to see what he is doing because im always worried who he's talking to and who he is with.

Is this the kind of life you want? Do you want to spend all your time and energy policing him, being a mommy to him? He is a liar. You can't LOVE him enough to change him, love him enough to proof you are the one for him, love him enough to make him wake up and only want to be with him, love him enough for him to love himself.

::I am a full time college student and i cannot even concetrate on school whenever i know he has free time in his hands.

Then please, please go to the counseling center at school and sign up for counseling. Talk to someone about it all, it will give you a safe place to vent, to get in touch with your real feelings, work on your self-esteem and help you deal with your grief at the ending of the relationship so you can focus on yourself and your future.

::I am sick and tired of doing this to myself and sick and tired of always having to worry and not having any trust. I love him so much, I've tried letting him go several times, but couldnt do it.

That's because of the esteem issues and feeling less than because of his behavior.

::So now i've settled on working things out with him because he means so much to me. I really beleive that he could change.

This is false hope, but when you really get to the point of being fed up you will leave, you will be done and you will know when the time comes.

::Now the main problem lies on his ex girlfriend. they are still friends and want to remain friends with her, but the problem is i am not okay with that because that was what he told me before, that they were just friends after she found out about us. Then I found out that they were pretty much still talking and working things out. He told me that the reason why he wants to keep her as a friend is because she was his childhood, the basically grew up together.

So basically he has to make no compromises to keep the relationship with you. He still gets what he wants, when he wants and doesn't care about what you feel? Right? You just don't see that yet. How sad. Dr Laura wrote 10 Things Couples do to Mess up Their Lives - it talks about maintaining friendships that make one partner feel uncomfortable...

::Now the question is, should i let these insecurities go and let him be friends with her, or should i put my foot down and tell him i have had enough? and how can i start trusting him again? because honestly, it just seems like withought trust, we never had a relationship, all we had was some good times. Please help!

He's done nothing to warrent trust in him. Nothing. You should have to be the one to make all the changes, do all the work, etc. He needs to step up to the plate and put his money where is mouth is. Yes, personally, you should put your foot down EVEN if it means the end of the relationship.

Sorry to be harsh, but I hope it wakes you up and shows you that you are worth so much more and deserve so much more. My best to you while you figure it out. Please go to counseling on campus.

Reading material to consider:

When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

What Smart Women Know, Steven Carter & Julia Sokol

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern





Carrie