non biased help wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2013
non biased help wanted
8
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 12:18am

I have a very intricate and long story i am looking for insight on. So I am apologizing now for the length. But in order to get the full picture, I have to give a lot of info and back story.

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend close to a year and a half. we are 28 and 29 and we live together.He has 2 kids with a person he was on-and-off with for a while, but never serious with.I have no children. He has had several girlfriends, relationships and flings. That I know of, he's only had one somewhat healthy realtionship that was more long-term. From what he told me, she was a great person and all but she was more or less good for the kids and not much else. Apparently there was not much spark even initially and he wasn't even really that physically attracted to her. 

I have had less in the way of quanity when it come to relationships and more in the way of quality. I have had 2 major long-term relationships and a handful of boyfriends/flings. I am a very devoted person and I have to think logically with my head AND my heart in my relationships. so our experiences in our romantic pasts differs a bit. 

I was on my way out of my last relationship of 4+ years when we started communicating kind of randomly through social media sites. My relationship with my ex had been dragging on for far too long before we even started talking. It was dead and over, but I couldnt just ditch him since we still lived together and shared an apartment (so it was very complicated). I contacted him first and he was aware of my 'relationship status' and all the complications, but he was interested. I didnt expect for our reconnection as friends to blossom into a real attraction. Things started getting more intense when I asked my ex to vacate our apartment, we were texting throughout the day with eachother and talking on the phone and would spend hours on skype with eachother. He lived more than 500 miles from me and so we had a considerable amount of time and space as we began developing a relationship. 

we planned visits as soon as we realized there was a connection we wanted to explore. and so we began flying back and forth to gain quality time with eachother in person. we talked about everything while we were apart: moving to be with each other, getting married, kids, futures, deep intimate things.We ended up deciding together that I would move to be with him because it wasnt fair to expect him to leave his kids, and 6 months later I did just that: I moved over 500 miles to be with the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I gave up my job, and left my family and friends to pursue what spoke to me on the deepest levels. 

Prior to my leaving we had talked seriously about marriage, about a wedding, what we wanted and had even went ring shopping together. We found what we liked and planned that It would be on my finger, promise and all, before I left my life behind. But he ran into problems and money was an issue: he wanted to come up with the cash for it and needed more time to do so. he didnt believe in putting an engagement ring on credit. he told me it was in the very  near future and that he was sorry he wouldnt have it by the time I moved, but assured me it was a done deal.

after my move, I found a job fairly quickly. we had a small one bedroom apartment that we planned as a temporary living sistuation, we figured wed live there for a year then get something bigger and nicer, maybe save for a house or condo. I was nervous about all my new suroundings: new family, kids, a new job with new coworkers, new friends and people to meet, new schools to look into for finishing my degree, and this new partner that I so adored and felt would be there for me to help me adjust.

The first few months went by rather uneventful, but i was overwhelmed by the debt I was left with from my prior living situation ( I had been slammed with all the bills and expenses when I kicked my ex out of my old apartment and things snowballed).  I was frustrated and my anxiety and depression kicked into high gear- especially when things started to not go very well with my new job. with all the stressors combined I was really comming undone. and my new relationship was feeling the stress. his expectations were rather unrealistic for me: he expected everything to come natural and easy-breezy in respect to my acclemation to my new home, my new everything and I fear I disappointed him. he expected for me and his kids to have an automatic connection even though many weekends we didnt see them because their mother would withhold them from him in an attempt to play games (very immature). And they began a legal struggle involving child support and custody. He was frustrated and I was frustrated and it wasnt helping matters much that he started drinking more, smoking more and spending more money on those habits on top of gambling, sporting events and going out for meals.He even stopped going to his any classes for a while that he'd started before we even started talking. It was like I moved to be with him and he went into 'vacation mode', which he realizes and acknowledges. and a year after my move, still no ring. He claimed I had some stuff I needed to work on before we go there, that Id get a ring when he knew I was ready. I was disappointed but I felt that he loved me. 

We started fighting more. and the stress just kept buliding. I realized we were going through a tough time and I chalked it all up to the stresses in his life and the stresses in my life (all temporary) were clashing and making us more argumentative. I still loved him and wanted to make it work, I just knew we were in a storm that just needed to pass. All relationships have ups and downs and all relationships go through challeneges and stages and phases, I had been there before. I knew what to expect from all of this, the honeymoon phase was over, we were now being tested on our strength and commitment. I thought we had enough connection, chemistry, history, passion, attraction, love, and power to get through it. But I guess I was wrong.

We found a new apartment and shortly after we got into a fight and he told me that his feelings had changed towards me. That he wasnt 'in-love' with me. He said he cared for me and loved me, that he couldnt help that, but that the passion was gone.He said he couldnt picture spending the rest of his life with me. I was devistated. I was a mess of panic. I moved and changed my whole life for this person so we could have a real future and a real relationship and now Im being told it was all for nothing. It got tough, and instead of showing the world what he and I were made of, he just gave up. so much for 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going'.

I was in this all the way, playing for 'keeps' as they say. I was willing to hear him out on all the things that had displeased him, and offer my insight and perspective. I defended myself when necessary and I owned up to my mistakes and apologized for my contribution to our relationship problems. I told him how I felt, how hard things have been on me, how I wished I had done somethings differently, and how much I loved him. He told me that he admired my passion to work it out. and that he couldnt change his heart or his mind, that I have to be the one to change them, I had to show him.

since then, we are still living together and are still together. I have been doing everything in my power to impress him and show him that I cant change and that I want to. I cannot change his behaviors or thoughts that hurt our relationship, but I have to start somewhere and I am starting on myself for the betterment of my partnership. I am in midst of getting another job, be it supplemental, or a full-time change altogether. I have prioritized my finances and debt. I have have been busy moving forward on the school thing to finish my degree. I have been extra mindful of the space we share and have been trying my hardest to appear as a good 'homemaker'. I have been trying to step it up with his kids, even though I have only seen them once since we had our fight. I try to do nice things for him to show him I am thinking of him. I try to show my affection often and iniciate intimatcy when he doesnt. 

But all my efforts feel like they are failing and I know he's aware of these attempts. He tells me he thinks we are not compatible, not a good match, when that was not the case before at all, we have always had enough in common and wanted the same things. We even balance eachother out quite nicely in other aspects. When I tell him I love him, he says "I know you do", instead of "I love you too baby" like he used to all the time. He pulls away from me, and hates my touches and sex i only really on his terms now. I dont know what has happened. 

I am getting mixed signals too all the way. we spent 2 nights apart a few weekends ago and we started 'text' flirting and when he came home we had a very passionate evening. He told me "I really know how to make him fall in love with me". I didnt quite know where it was all coming from, but I was thrilled none the less. I thought hes really giving this another chance, hes fighting for us. that next morning he kissed me and told me he loved me whent he left for work and I was feeling so hopeful.

Now we are back to the same-old-same-old. Hes been telling me we are a bad match again and pulling away from me. Hes back to even nitpicking at me and pushing me away. I am at a loss....I really, really, love this man. we are so great together. But I dont know what is  going on, and I dont know how to get through to him. I feel like anything Ive been trying isnt working and the mixed signals continue. I dont know if its his lack of experience in longterm relationships that working agains us? (because those 'honeymoon' mooshy lovey-dovey feelings go away, no matter who you are with, it evolves and changes- which Im not so sure hes really experienced or fully aware of). I dont know if hes just been smoking so mujch that hes affected his own judgement, interpretation of feelings, or mental clarity ( I know he smokes everyday -history of an addictive personality and substance problems)...I wonder if hes just 'weeded' me out of his heart and life? I wonder if he just a quitter and quits relationships when challenges pop up?

end of story: I dont want to move back home. I want this to work and I love him. I knew going into this that loving him meant loving all of him and his kids were part of the package. I love him dispite his short comings, mistakes and our problems. I would not have changed my life for this man if I didnt really love him and believe whole-heartedly in us. I just dont know what to do.  I really am at a loss. I dont know how to even talk to him about it anymore because hes difficult and needs time to think about it. and Im so tired of crying. I need some nonbiased help.

 




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 1:18pm

My ex never told me to leave.  He never even said he wanted me to leave.  However, he SHOWED me in a zillion different ways that he really just wished I'd disappear so he didn't have to be the mean guy who broke up with the nice girl.

When he got himself a new girlfriend I finally got the hint. 

I am so ashamed now of how much I humiliated myself just to try to keep him.  I will never, ever do that again, for anyone. I recommend you don't try to twist yourself into a pretzel to try to keep him. 

I realize right now you can't fathom the thought of not having him in your life, especially since you'd have to be the one to end it (since he's too chicken-stuff to just come out and tell you no), but trust me, you'll look back one day (when he's long gone) and wish you'd handled it differently.  Because I sure do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 8:08am

".He has 2 kids with a person he was on-and-off with for a while, but never serious with.  .  .  . He has had several girlfriends, relationships and flings.  .  .  [bu] he's only had one somewhat healthy realtionship that was more long-term.  .  .  she was a great person and all but she was more or less good for the kids and not much else. Apparently there was not much spark even initially and he wasn't even really that physically attracted to her."

It appears that the two kids were with the on-again, off-again girlfriend; presumably he was attracted during the on-agains, and fathered the kids at that time.  The healthy relationship seems to have been with another woman, who was good with his kids by off-again, but was otherwise unremarkable. 

OP, I am in complete agreement with all the other posters: there is nothing to work with here,nothing to hope for except more of the same, and no reason to "show" anything to a person who is already out of the relationship.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 11:11pm

Quote:
Apparently there was not much spark even initially and he wasn't even really that physically attracted to her.

 Were there only one child, I would have bought that. But not when there are two.  There had to have been some attraction for him to allow himself to rise to the occasion and successfully impregnate her a second time.

as for the rest of your post... wow...  you've got it bad and that ain't good.

I don't say what follows to be mean or cruel, but you did ask for non-biased imput; I'm hoping that your translation for that isn't "validate me and my course of action".

When a man tells you he's basically done with you and the relationship, it's wise to take him at his word, gather up your grace and dignity and leave--you stop lowering your value.  When he tells you "I know you do" when you tell him "I love you", you gather up your grace and dignity and leave--you stop lowering your value.  You don't twist yourself up into a pretzel to convince him that you are worth his time.  Either he's there and onboard with that or he's not--and everything about him is telling you that he is not.  It's time to lay to rest your notion of "fighting for us". There is no "us" to fight for.

The whole ring thing was your first red flag. "Not wanting to put that on a credit card"... ok, then... take out a line of credit loan so it's not on a credit card.  How about a sterling silver with a CZ?  Why not a cigar band? Something out of the gumball machine?  Something that shows intent?

I hate to say that he doesn't need time to think about anything. He's hoping that he doesn't have to completely be cruel for you to believe him when he tells you that he's done, he doesn't love you and can't picture himself with you for the rest of his life.  Being in denial will not do you any favors in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 10:50pm

I can't understand what you are GETTING from any of this.  To me, this guy sounds unbalanced.  I think most of us do the push/pull bit from time to time, but it sounds like he's driving you nuts with it.  You're doing this, you're doing that - what is HE doing?  I don't hear much, except to mess with your head.  Re-read just your last paragraph - right there it sums it all up.  YOU are quite sure of you as a couple, but he gives you no reason to be.  I think he at least is telling you the truth when he says you're a bad match.  He's said that in a few different ways.  Please be wise and find someone who will not keep playing games like this, it will drive you crazy. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 9:32pm

"he couldnt change his heart or his mind, that I have to be the one to change them, I had to show him."

Did he tell you how exactly his heart and mind could be changed so that he would be "in love" with you again? You shouldn't have to reinvent yourself to be acceptable to him. Seems like you could end up changing yourself into somebody that you wouldn't even recognize, with no guarantee that he will love that version of you.

I suspect that whatever it is about him that made him unable to sustain relationships in the past is still at work. Unfortunately for you, he has to accept that HE has a problem then want to make the effort to figure it out and make changes in himself. You doing contortions won't change whatever is going on inside of him. So the bottom line for you, right now, is that this relationship does not have a future. He's told you that in words and he's showing you in actions.

Better to figure out how to cut your losses now. There will be somebody else who will love you with your normal flaws.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 10:54am

Sorry but I have to agree with the other 2 posters--you can't make him want to be with you and if you have to struggle that much to convince him, then what?  You convince him to stay with you & get married and then you'll probably end up divorced anyway--and then maybe you'll have a child or children to take care of.  The thing is that you started out as long distance and no matter how much you hope things are going to work out, the true test is when you are together on a more frequent basis.  From what I've read it seems like you started living together 6 mos. into the relationship--I would never advise someone to move in together that soon.  In fact, if you were my DD and she said that she was moving somewhere hopefully to have a relationship, I'd tell her to make sure that she lived on her own or with roommates and not to move in with the guy until they were both sure that things were going to work out.

for whatever reasons, he's decided that he's not in love with you--now you are trying to twist yourself up into someone that he wants to be with.  You know that's not going to work out.  I think it's great that you are getting a better job & finishing your degree, but you should be doing it for you and your future, not him.  It's one thing if he had a specific problem that you could easily fix--like say he thought you didn't budget your money very well, you could work on that problem and fix it.  I don't read that it's one specific problem but "he can't picture spending the rest of his life with me."  He has the right to feel that way & he's being honest with you.  You haven't been together that long and you were still getting to know each other.  After living together for a while, he's realized that it's not working for him and you really have to accept that those are his feelings.  You can't feel like "well I moved here to be with you, so now you have to make things work out."  Frankly, I think that the fact that you were having a lot of problems & arguments is a sign that the relationship doesn't work, not that you both should keep working on it to make it work.  After two divorces and being middle aged, I have come to the conclusion that in a good relationship, you shouldn't be "working" on it constantly--not that 2 people are never going to have disagreements, but you should look for someone you are mostly compatible with so that the relationship is more harmonious.  After all, if you look at your relationship with your best girlfriend, isn't it more natural that you get along, or do you always have to work on being friends?

And honestly, this guy doesn't sound like that great a prize to me--why would you want someone who is smoking weed all the time?  Is that the sign of a responsible father?  Plus he has problems with the kids' mom, your relationship with them isn't that great (which is not necessarily your fault), he seems to have money problems.  Don't you think you could find someone without all these problems?  You're still in your 20's--at that time, I wouldn't even have dated a guy who already had kids.  It's one thing in your 40's, when you know it's going to be common, but most guys in their 20's don't have kids yet--why take on that burden?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 9:24am

I agree with the previous poster that this does not bode well for a long-term relationship.  A marriage is more than a few nights of passionate love making; and you cannot unilaterally make someone fall in love with you again or "work things out".  I am also concern that both of you have shown some signs of financial problems - you with debt from the previous relationship, he not being able (or willing?) to pay for an engagement ring.  It is one thing when someone flat out says. "I cannot afford a ring right now".  But when someone said he is going to get you a ring and not being able to do so, it makes me think he was not being sincere with his words and/or not being on top of his finances.  Either way, it is not a good sign.

My relationship with my ex had been dragging on for far too long before we even started talking. It was dead and over, but I couldnt just ditch him since we still lived together and shared an apartment (so it was very complicated).

One question you have to ask yourself is what are the real reasons that you do not want to "go home"?  Is it because you want to save face and find it hard to admit that the current relationship is not working out?  It almost looks like you have a pattern of not wanting to leave a failed relationship.

The point of dating is to find out if someone is compatible with you or not.  Dating is not about changing, reforming, or MAKING someone fall in love with you.  I am see so many posts from women who latch onto the first man they get and attempt to use the dating process to mold him into what they want, or change themselves to fit the man.  You cannot force a relationship.  Yes, marriage/relationship requires SOME work, but if the work starts to feel like being in a North Korean prison camp, you are in the wrong relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 02-27-2013 - 8:49am

SaphhireKat wrote:
<p>I have a very intricate and long story i am looking for insight on. So I am apologizing now for the length. But in order to get the full picture, I have to give a lot of info and back story.</p><p>I am in a relationship with my boyfriend close to a year and a half. we are 28 and 29 and we live together.He has 2 kids with a person he was on-and-off with for a while, but never serious with.I have no children. He has had several girlfriends, relationships and flings. That I know of, he's only had one somewhat healthy realtionship that was more long-term. From what he told me, she was a great person and all but she was more or less good for the kids and not much else. Apparently there was not much spark even initially and he wasn't even really that physically attracted to her. </p><p>I have had less in the way of quanity when it come to relationships and more in the way of quality. I have had 2 major long-term relationships and a handful of boyfriends/flings. I am a very devoted person and I have to think logically with my head AND my heart in my relationships. so our experiences in our romantic pasts differs a bit. </p><p>I was on my way out of my last relationship of 4+ years when we started communicating kind of randomly through social media sites. My relationship with my ex had been dragging on for far too long before we even started talking. It was dead and over, but I couldnt just ditch him since we still lived together and shared an apartment (so it was very complicated). I contacted him first and he was aware of my 'relationship status' and all the complications, but he was interested. I didnt expect for our reconnection as friends to blossom into a real attraction. Things started getting more intense when I asked my ex to vacate our apartment, we were texting throughout the day with eachother and talking on the phone and would spend hours on skype with eachother. He lived more than 500 miles from me and so we had a considerable amount of time and space as we began developing a relationship. </p><p>we planned visits as soon as we realized there was a connection we wanted to explore. and so we began flying back and forth to gain quality time with eachother in person. we talked about everything while we were apart: moving to be with each other, getting married, kids, futures, deep intimate things.We ended up deciding together that I would move to be with him because it wasnt fair to expect him to leave his kids, and 6 months later I did just that: I moved over 500 miles to be with the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I gave up my job, and left my family and friends to pursue what spoke to me on the deepest levels. </p><p>Prior to my leaving we had talked seriously about marriage, about a wedding, what we wanted and had even went ring shopping together. We found what we liked and planned that It would be on my finger, promise and all, before I left my life behind. But he ran into problems and money was an issue: he wanted to come up with the cash for it and needed more time to do so. he didnt believe in putting an engagement ring on credit. he told me it was in the very  near future and that he was sorry he wouldnt have it by the time I moved, but assured me it was a done deal.</p><p><span>after my move, I found a job fairly quickly. we had a small one bedroom apartment that we planned as a temporary living sistuation, we figured wed live there for a year then get something bigger and nicer, maybe save for a house or condo. I was nervous about all my new suroundings: new family, kids, a new job with new coworkers, new friends and people to meet, new schools to look into for finishing my degree, and this new partner that I so adored and felt would be there for me to help me adjust.</span></p><p><span>The first few months went by rather uneventful, but i was overwhelmed by the debt I was left with from my prior living situation ( I had been slammed with all the bills and expenses when I kicked my ex out of my old apartment and things snowballed).  I was frustrated and my anxiety and depression kicked into high gear- especially when things started to not go very well with my new job. with all the stressors combined I was really comming undone. and my new relationship was feeling the stress. his expectations were rather unrealistic for me: he expected everything to come natural and easy-breezy in respect to my acclemation to my new home, my new everything and I fear I disappointed him. he expected for me and his kids to have an automatic connection even though many weekends we didnt see them because their mother would withhold them from him in an attempt to play games (very immature). And they began a legal struggle involving child support and custody. He was frustrated and I was frustrated and it wasnt helping matters much that he started drinking more, smoking more and spending more money on those habits on top of gambling, sporting events and going out for meals.He even stopped going to his any classes for a while that he'd started before we even started talking. It was like I moved to be with him and he went into 'vacation mode', which he realizes and acknowledges. and a year after my move, still no ring. He claimed I had some stuff I needed to work on before we go there, that Id get a ring when he knew I was ready. I was disappointed but I felt that he loved me. </span></p><p><span>We started fighting more. and the stress just kept buliding. I realized we were going through a tough time and I chalked it all up to the stresses in his life and the stresses in my life (all temporary) were clashing and making us more argumentative. I still loved him and wanted to make it work, I just knew we were in a storm that just needed to pass. All relationships have ups and downs and all relationships go through challeneges and stages and phases, I had been there before. I knew what to expect from all of this, the honeymoon phase was over, we were now being tested on our strength and commitment. I thought we had enough connection, chemistry, history, passion, attraction, love, and power to get through it. But I guess I was wrong.</span></p><p>We found a new apartment and shortly after we got into a fight and he told me that his feelings had changed towards me. That he wasnt 'in-love' with me. He said he cared for me and loved me, that he couldnt help that, but that the passion was gone.He said he couldnt picture spending the rest of his life with me. I was devistated. I was a mess of panic. I moved and changed my whole life for this person so we could have a real future and a real relationship and now Im being told it was all for nothing. It got tough, and instead of showing the world what he and I were made of, he just gave up. so much for 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going'.</p><p>I was in this all the way, playing for 'keeps' as they say. I was willing to hear him out on all the things that had displeased him, and offer my insight and perspective. I defended myself when necessary and I owned up to my mistakes and apologized for my contribution to our relationship problems. I told him how I felt, how hard things have been on me, how I wished I had done somethings differently, and how much I loved him. He told me that he admired my passion to work it out. and that he couldnt change his heart or his mind, that I have to be the one to change them, I had to show him.</p><p>since then, we are still living together and are still together. I have been doing everything in my power to impress him and show him that I cant change and that I want to. I cannot change his behaviors or thoughts that hurt our relationship, but I have to start somewhere and I am starting on myself for the betterment of my partnership. I am in midst of getting another job, be it supplemental, or a full-time change altogether. I have prioritized my finances and debt. I have have been busy moving forward on the school thing to finish my degree. I have been extra mindful of the space we share and have been trying my hardest to appear as a good 'homemaker'. I have been trying to step it up with his kids, even though I have only seen them once since we had our fight. I try to do nice things for him to show him I am thinking of him. I try to show my affection often and iniciate intimatcy when he doesnt. </p><p>But all my efforts feel like they are failing and I know he's aware of these attempts. He tells me he thinks we are not compatible, not a good match, when that was not the case before at all, we have always had enough in common and wanted the same things. We even balance eachother out quite nicely in other aspects. When I tell him I love him, he says "I know you do", instead of "I love you too baby" like he used to all the time. He pulls away from me, and hates my touches and sex i only really on his terms now. I dont know what has happened. </p><p>I am getting mixed signals too all the way. we spent 2 nights apart a few weekends ago and we started 'text' flirting and when he came home we had a very passionate evening. He told me "I really know how to make him fall in love with me". I didnt quite know where it was all coming from, but I was thrilled none the less. I thought hes really giving this another chance, hes fighting for us. that next morning he kissed me and told me he loved me whent he left for work and I was feeling so hopeful.</p><p>Now we are back to the same-old-same-old. Hes been telling me we are a bad match again and pulling away from me. Hes back to even nitpicking at me and pushing me away. I am at a loss....I really, really, love this man. we are so great together. But I dont know what is  going on, and I dont know how to get through to him. I feel like anything Ive been trying isnt working and the mixed signals continue. I dont know if its his lack of experience in longterm relationships that working agains us? (because those 'honeymoon' mooshy lovey-dovey feelings go away, no matter who you are with, it evolves and changes- which Im not so sure hes really experienced or fully aware of). I dont know if hes just been smoking so mujch that hes affected his own judgement, interpretation of feelings, or mental clarity ( I know he smokes everyday -history of an addictive personality and substance problems)...I wonder if hes just 'weeded' me out of his heart and life? I wonder if he just a quitter and quits relationships when challenges pop up?</p><p>end of story: I dont want to move back home. I want this to work and I love him. I knew going into this that loving him meant loving all of him and his kids were part of the package. I love him dispite his short comings, mistakes and our problems. I would not have changed my life for this man if I didnt really love him and believe whole-heartedly in us. I just dont know what to do.  I really am at a loss. I dont know how to even talk to him about it anymore because hes difficult and needs time to think about it. and Im so tired of crying. I need some nonbiased help.</p><p> </p><p><span><br /></span></p><p><span><br /></span></p><p><span><br /></span></p>

Oh Dear ! If I could , I would highlight your entire post ! It has written ' over ' all over it . Sorry hun, but he doesnt want you AT ALL. He cant be more clear, direct , whatever you want to call it.

It happens in a lot of cases.Thats what dating is about. You took a leap of faith but it didnt work out. There is no shame in saying so and moving back home than living a life of hell.

You cant make him fall in love with you if he has had a change of heart.Its pretty normal.

Sorry but you either suck it up or move on .