The non-confrontational man (long)
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| Wed, 09-19-2007 - 3:15pm |
I would love some advice on how to deal with my fiance, who absolutely hates confrontation and goes to all sorts of lengths, from brushing the issue under the table and hoping it'll go away to outright lying to make it go away and avoid an argument. On the one hand, this is a great trait, because he's much calmer than I am, and thus is a great influence on getting me to calm down when I'm upset about something, etc. On the other hand, we've run into a number of problems because he won't deal with the issue.
One big factor is dealing his parents. We're in the midst of planning a wedding, where everyone has some kind of input, yet, when his parents question our decisions or want us to do something differently, instead of saying "I respect your opinion but Anna and I decided to do it this way" he tells them he'll talk to me about it or will just nod and smile and hope that they don't bring it up again. Which they do, usually to me, and then I have to tell them no. Same with getting them to move on things. We have to order invitations pretty soon, given the timing to get them done, but even though I've been asking for months now, I still don't have his parents' guest list and when I ask him to push them on it, he says he will but doesn't really because he doesn't want to confront them.
Another issue is that he started lying to avoid confrontation, which really drives me nuts. A few months ago we talked and agreed (I thought) to sell his motorcycle to save the money we're spending on storing it. I offered to help sell the accessories- helmet, cover, etc.- which he agreed to. I listed them online, had a number of inquiries, and he kept stalling until I finally asked what the deal was, at which point he admitted that he didn't really want to sell the bike and told me that he agreed because he felt like I was being pushy about it and he didn't want to get in a fight by telling me that. I'm sure that I was being pushy, I know I can be when I set my mind to something, and I try to control it, but it doesn't always work, which is why I'd rather he tell me the truth and we can deal with it in real time rather than lie to me and then make me question his sincerity.
A friend of his told me a few weeks back that he was really frustrated with him because when he asks my FH for advice, he sugarcoats things for him, doesn't tell him the truth, because he doesn't want to come off as the bad guy. His answers to controversial issues, things that may cause a fight or debate, are always very neutral, very diplomatic, because he wants to avoid a fight. It's driving me nuts because I'm questioning everything he tells me, wondering if it's the truth or if he's just brushing it off or making something up to make it go away.
We talked about this a few weeks ago, where I told him why this was a problem, and he agreed to work on it, but I don't think it's really something he's thinking about actively. Any ideas on what I can do with this?
TIA!

I think couples counseling before you get married to see if there's a way to deal with this is *essential*.
This sounds like it's a deeply ingrained part of his personality--it's not just something one can "work on" without professional help, IMO.
Welcome to the board diavollitto,
I agree with Sheri.
Welcome to the board diavollitto,
It sounds like your fiance has always been non-confrontational and it is unlikely that he is going to be able to change that anytime soon. If he really wants to change, it is going to take time and a lot of hard work on his part. I am very non-confrontational also. I think mine stems from growing up in a household with a lot of fighting so now I try to avoid it as much as possible.
My dh and I have this thing were if we feel like the other person is saying something just to agree with the other than we call each other out on it. We don't know it in a mean way we usually just say something like "are you saying that just to appease me" and then we can talk about it more from there.
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Do not take ONE step further toward marriage before you get these issues worked out. Once lying comes into the picture, something is very wrong. It means that one or both of you can't communicate on a healthy level and that is no way to start a life together.
From the sound of your post I have to wonder if your man is truly happy or whether he's just going with the flow and what he thinks he should do.
150% agree on premarital counseling (which no couple should do without). It's hard to really know someone who isn't able to be frank and open about negative issues, which are really important.
I've got a different perspective, but that's because I've been known to employ a few of your boyfriend's tactics....and so does my husband.
We've got this picture frame that was given as a gift by
Thank you all for your advice. I asked him to go to counseling with me after this happened, which was a pretty big thing for me because I generally tend to be the type to work everything out myself/ourselves, but this bothered me enough that I thought we needed help. He said he didn't want to, and asked to give him a chance to work on this himself and be better at speaking up when something is bothering him.
I'm not entirely sure if anything will change with his parents, because it's very much a cultural thing in that regard. He's Indian, and Indian children are raised to respect their elders, which often implies don't talk back, don't demand, etc. He's better at it than most Indian children I know, but it's ingrained to some extent that this is just not what's done. I know it can cause bigger issues eventually, which is why I've worked very hard to develop a relationship with his parents where I can talk to them openly myself if need be. It does bother me that the job often falls on me, but he did promise that he would try to be better.
The part that concerns me most is in our personal interactions- him lying or ignoring the issue just to avoid a fight. It really upset me when I figured out that's what he was doing, and I had a long, serious conversation with him about it, where he promised me that he would try. I'm also working on being more pro-active about helping that process along. The good thing is that he's pretty easy to read, so I can tell if he's holding something back, so I've been making sure that I approach him immediately if I feel something like that is happening, and I've been working on myself as well, making sure not to sound judgemental or pushy, which often sends him into shutdown/avoidance mode.
I definitely plan on keeping a close eye on all this and if it keeps happening, forcing the counseling issue. I appreciate your insights :)