Non-exclusive exclusive dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Non-exclusive exclusive dating
8
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 10:10am
My best friend and I are now dating. I'm so happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy. However, we're taking things slow because we both just got out of really screwed up relationships. This is fine by me. We agreed to casually date, meaning we can date others too, but it ended up being exclusive anyway. My issue is, I was on his Facebook page the other day and I noticed a female friend of his (who I don't know) put up some pictures of him and a bunch of other people. Well, one of the pictures was of him with this girl in his lap. I know they're just friends and I think she has a bf, but even though we're casually dating, I won't lie...I'm jealous. I know I need to confront him about it and tell him how I feel, but how do I do it? I don't want to lose him. He means so much to me and always has. Any help would be great. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:03am

You need to find out the context surrounding the picture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:51am

Welcome to the board oursong88,


So are you exclusive or not?


I think the thing to do is just to casually say "hey I was on facebook and say the pic of you and so-so" and see what he says. Could it be the photo isn't a recent one?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:55am

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 3:53pm
Well I brought it up and I told him that I wasn't mad because we are only doing the whole casual non-exclusive dating thing, but I won't lie, I am jealous. He then proceeded to tell me that his ex did the same thing. She was insecure about him having female friends. I responded to him by stating that is not the issue. I do not care if he has female friends, but there has to be a limit. He then said, and I quote, "Now I know why my friends like the single life." Apparently this whole casual dating thing means he's not single?!? I mean, don't get me wrong, my male friends and I are close, but not THAT close. I don't know. Maybe I am overreacting. After all, he did go to college with this girl for 4 years and there were other people there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 05-20-2008 - 10:25pm

Did you discuss and both agree to be exclusively dating? If not then you really don't have a right to ask him about someone else he might be dating. If you assumed that it has turned exclusive and didn't discuss it and agree..you know what they say about Assuming anything.

Why does there have to be a limit? Did you agree to that when you agreed to a casual dating relationship? If not, it is not quite fair to change the rules in the middle of the game and then get mad at him when he doesn't agree with you, if you did agree to certain things and he is not holding up his end, then you need to end it. It sounds like you are wanting more than casual dating, if so, then you need to discuss this with him and see if you can come to an agreement, if not you are only hurting yourself by dating him.

Its your life and your choice, you are responsible for the consequences that come from those choices. You will never have the "friendship" back once you cross that line. It can be better or worse than before, but it will never be the same.

You both just got out of messy relationships, neither one of you are ready for a relationship right now if you haven't healed from the previous one, you can't do that jumping into anything right away...those usually don't last. You are wanting more than him, let him go and heal from the other relationship before trying for one with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 11:24am

'I do not care if he has female friends, but there has to be a limit.'


Why? You aren't exclusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 12:41pm

Maybe I'm wrong, but it kind of sounds like a disaster is waiting to happen. You say in your first post that you are 'best friends', yet there seems to be a lot of guessing in the relationship. If you are really 'best friends' and not exclusive, you should be able to discuss things such as who so and so is in the picture without him getting upset and without jealousy on your part.

Personally, I don't know how best friends can date casually. I would think the foundation would be strong enough as friends you would know if you want to date exclusively or not. With a casual relationship it allows others into the picture. Are you both able to cope with that? I get the impression you would like more exclusivity in your relationship than he does, is that a correct assumption?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2008 - 1:01pm

You do not have to confront him, nor should you. You have just started dating. Leave it alone. Don't make him feel you are becoming possessive and are going to invade his life and take everything away. You two agreed to take it slow. Take it slow, give him breathing room. If and when things reach a point that "he" decides to let go of others, (even their pictures on his site) he'll do it. In his own time. If the two of you are exclusive now, that's great. Just let the rest happen naturally.


Best wishes,