is this normal??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
is this normal??
4
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:45pm
Hi everyone

I need to know if anyone else out there thinks the same way I do...

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and things are going wonderfully! We have been talking about marriage ect... and I love him so much!

Here comes the problem... He doesn't motivate me!!! I am someone who loves to workout and I often wish I was with someone who enjoyed workout out with me so that I would be more motivated, but I absolutely can't get him to a gym! We have very different taste in everything such as food, music, movies, ect. My dream has always been to be with someone who would learn how to dance with me, but this doesn't interest him in the least. We do have a lot of fun together doing OTHER things, but sometimes I wish he was more into the same things as me! And I dont want him to take dance lessons if he's doing it just for me, as dumb as it sounds, I just want him to WANT to take lessons or something...

Another example is that I went to a country music concert last week and I asked him to come with me but he didnt want to because he didn't think he could take 2 hours of straight country music. I REALLY appreciate his honesty, but I found myself thinking that I wanted someone who liked country music!!!

As much as I love him and could spend the rest of my life with him, I often wonder if I'm just settling? Am I being shallow??

I just want to add that I am 90% of the time VERY happy with him.. i just want to know if anyone else has the same thinking process that I do??

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
In reply to: pretzel9
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:02pm
There are a lot of ways a person could look at your problem. One is that it could be an issue of compatibility. Another is that couples need to maintain some separate interests to maintain their own identities. However, if these have been long-time dreams of yours, I can't help wondering how you wound-up with a guy who doesn't share them. I can understand how you appreciate his honesty, but I always kind of thought people should expand their interests from time to time to please their loved ones. Do you go out of your way to show interest in his stuff that you don't necessarily take to? Relationships should be give and take, not just one gives and the other takes. Have you thought of taking pre-marital counseling to identify and address any issues that might become bothersome in the future? I guess my feeling is that if he's unwilling to compromise now, how much worse might it get after marriage? People should become more giving after marriage, but generally that's not the case. Maybe he could compromise and take the dance lessons but skip the country music. Or maybe just go to a place that plays country music but it's not all there is to do, like an eating establishment. I don't know, but it sounds like he needs to be willing to make some compromises and you could be headed for trouble. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
In reply to: pretzel9
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:12am
I have had some of the same "differences" in my relationship w/ my BF of almost a year and a half also. We grew up w/ very different parenting styles, (he was practically spoiled his whole life, where I had to get a job when I was 14.) So sometimes that can get frustrating b/c I don't feel like he's prepared for "the real world" as well as I am, and I sort of feel like I have to be a parent.

It's funny you mentioned dancing, b/c we went to a wedding earlier this year, and I was devistated when he told me he wouldn't dance, but I've just had to accept it. You've got to remember that no relationship is perfect, and I think that having different taste in music or dancing is far less of a relationship problem than most couples have to deal w/. I just try to remember that, and it makes it a lot easier to get over stuff. Weigh out the good aspects of your relationship against the bad, and since you said you are happy w/ him 90% of the time, I'd say that's pretty good! Some women never find a man they get along w/ even 50% of the time! Whenever I get frustrated, I just try to remember that fact and it helps me a lot. Don't rush things though, take it slow to be sure that he's the one. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: pretzel9
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:44pm
Thank you for your replies

Everything you said makes a lot of sense. I also realise that I probably have it REALLY good and shouldn't complain! I mean he treats me like a princess, he is always completely honest and open with me, we have an AMAZING sex life full of passion.. ect. I guess I'm just findind myself asking how anyone really knows if their SO is the one??? I really feel like mine could be, especially when i'm with him.. but at the same time I would have thought that "the one" for me would be someone who sweeps me off my feet and never leaves me wondering....

So I guess my new question is.. for those of you who have found "the one"... did you EVER have any doubt in the back of your head?

thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
In reply to: pretzel9
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 1:57am
I can't relate in my relationship to everything you have said, but I can relate to the exercise issue. My husband doesn't like to exercise, even though I have expressed to him how important it is to me. I want us to buy a treadmill so that I can run daily, but he doesn't see the importance. So I try to compromise on joining a gym (which is cheaper here considering that decent treadmills are $2000). He doesn't like that idea either. My problem is that I have gained weight and I NEED to exercise. Not for just the weight, but for so many other things. Exercise is a great stress relief for me. So, I can't help you much, but I am dealing with this as well.

I do have problems in my relationship, but we are alike in many ways. For ME, it's important that we share the same music tastes, interests, etc. I need someone that can "chill" with me, and someone that was so different just wouldn't make the cut. Don't you wish you were with someone that was more like you?

I wish you the best and I hope you work out your relationship problem.

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