Is this normal am i wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
Is this normal am i wrong?
13
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 5:31pm

Hi everyone, really need some help here. I know the answers maybe i just need confirmation. I had a BF for 3 months who asked to be exclusive pretty much right away. We moved a little fast but it was comfortable, talked about the future etc. All the time we dated, he was receiving, and responding to texts from women that contained naked pictures and suggestive type stuff. He also had a fake facebook where he was a girl and subscribed to swingers sites. The sad part, is other than that very weird stuff, he was a normal guy. That of course making him not so normal. I found the texts and pics by accident on his phone, then of course not feeling they went away i looked for them on occasion which i know is not good as i didn't trust him. he never stopped this. I went back and forth with this not working...after the last time it happened he said well I don't think this is going to work, you are never going to trust me. I love you and want to make you happy and I'm not sure I can do that. So what do you all make of this? I am really sad and hurt. I told him if i was good enough to talk marriage with, i was good enough to prove to that you can be trusted. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust. Maybe i need a pep talk..I also need to see both sides i guess because I am very much thinking I am completely right. Thank you for any input! 

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 5:52pm

 Be specific with him.  It is not unusual for men to look at women.  This sounds like a fantasy world he has constructed.  Discuss this with him and ask questions in a supportive way to allow him a safe place to open up.  many men dream of having many women but the reality of such never enters into their conciseness.  Yes, some things are better as dreams. 

   I myself never ever trust.  Trust is the avenue for disaster.  We can never think and act as another person would.  They can never be you.

dragowoman

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 7:04pm

mariaparatore wrote:
<p>Hi everyone, really need some help here. I know the answers maybe i just need confirmation. I had a BF for 3 months who asked to be exclusive pretty much right away. We moved a little fast but it was comfortable, talked about the future etc. All the time we dated, he was receiving, and responding to texts from women that contained naked pictures and suggestive type stuff. He also had a fake facebook where he was a girl and subscribed to swingers sites. The sad part, is other than that very weird stuff, he was a normal guy. That of course making him not so normal. I found the texts and pics by accident on his phone, then of course not feeling they went away i looked for them on occasion which i know is not good as i didn't trust him. he never stopped this. I went back and forth with this not working...after the last time it happened he said well I don't think this is going to work, you are never going to trust me. I love you and want to make you happy and I'm not sure I can do that. So what do you all make of this? I am really sad and hurt. I told him if i was good enough to talk marriage with, i was good enough to prove to that you can be trusted. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust. Maybe i need a pep talk..I also need to see both sides i guess because I am very much thinking I am completely right. Thank you for any input! </p>

Do you trust yourself and your own judgement?

You already know that he likes this life he's constructed--further snooping isn't required of you. It will only reveal what you already know, but dont' want to face because of the action facing it will then demand of you: leave the relationship if you can't trust him to stop engaging in his "hobby".  Really.

Of course he is going to say that things aren't going to work out after you've snooped his phone... that is one you should have seen coming from 500 miles. And quite frankly, he can't make you happy-- he lost the ability to do that when he continued to keep engaging in his "hobby".  For you to be happy, you need to not know that he's got this life and he needed to not have had this life.  In other words: be someone he's not.

For him, trust/marriage are completely separate from what he likes to do. He's not putting it in the same box as you are at this time in his life. Maybe one day, he'll get there, but are you willing to put an untold number of years of your life on hold til that day arrives, if ever?  Talk is cheap.  Anyone can talk (or as I like to call it "think out loud enough for you to hear") about marriage and at the same time, be neck deep in their own fukkery. 

At the end of the day, if you cannot trust him, then why are you in a relationship with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 7:49pm

Yes! talk i cheap i agree! And you saying this is a hobby its funny you use that word, i have as well. I have tried to be calm the first couple of times about the whole thing, and he did open up about the fantasy part of it and why he does it. however, i did say it made me feel uncomfortable and involving other women he knows causes problems which it did as one girl had emailed and texted me about his behavior. He said it would stop. Now if he told me "hey i like what i do and im not changing it" i would have been gone a long time ago, but he seemed remorseful and not wanting to continue the messaging and seemed as though i was more important. I dont think thats the case. Seems like an addiction. I know it was wrong to snoop, but ultimately it seemed i got my answer. I felt horrible about it. So does everyone think this is wrong? I am trying to see it from his view, but i can't seem to relate. And I can't compromise my morals and accept this behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 9:40pm

If he was just looking at photos or videos, then there are arguments to be made in his favor--that he is not breaching his exclusivity agreement with you. However, the fact he actively interacts with other people by email and with a fake Facebook page puts things in a different category. I am a 50 year old man and see red flags with this guy. Move on and don't look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 9:52pm

The guy is telling you who he is by his actions.  And you're just not compatible to begin with.  He asked to be exclusive and yet he reached out to live, warm bodies - he didn't just "look", he went farther.  You thought he was pretty normal "except for the weird stuff" - ?????  You "accidentally" found stuff on his phone.  He said you don't trust him and you said you don't want somebody you can't trust.  Bottom line is it doesn't matter who's "right" - you just want different things.  It would just continue as it was. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 11:14pm

Okay, yes i agree with everyone completely! If he was just looking at things online and not interacting with anyone that would be fine, I honestly wouldn't think anything of that. But yes the reaching out to others is unacceptable. Seems its best i saw this in advance before it got more serious. I say he seemed normal because he had no other behaviors that indicated this giant other life that was going on. I am sure there are many people out there who live double lives and i am glad i am dodging one. I just wasn't sure if i was being unreasonable thinking this is wrong. I guess if i feel it's not right in my gut, its no good. And the kicker is we were only dating 3 months.. he did this the whole time.. scary

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 12:42am

No it isn't "normal" (although "normal" is different for everyone) and no, you aren't wrong.   Aside from his porn addiction, and his using a fake identity on facebook......just the fact that in 3 months he was talking about marriage is a very big red flag.  As others have said.......checking out attractive women, even porn, isn't the worst thing in the world.  But assuming a false identity, and "playing" with other people's feelings.......is sick and twisted.  This guy is not right, and you're lucky to be rid of him.  There isn't any reason for you to feel sad or hurt.  You need to be glad that you saw this side of him and got out before you wasted any more than three months on him.  Why would you be hurt?  The guy is twisted, and it took you  a while to figure it out.  He played you, and you got out....you weren't hurt, you just learned to be more cautious the next time.  This is what dating is about......learning about a person, and sometimes it takes a lot longer to see the red flags.........be thankful it was so obvious, and move on.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 7:49am

mariaparatore wrote:
<p>Yes! talk i cheap i agree! And you saying this is a hobby its funny you use that word, i have as well. I have tried to be calm the first couple of times about the whole thing, and he did open up about the fantasy part of it and why he does it. however, i did say it made me feel uncomfortable and involving other women he knows causes problems which it did as one girl had emailed and texted me about his behavior. He said it would stop. Now if he told me "hey i like what i do and im not changing it" i would have been gone a long time ago, but he seemed remorseful and not wanting to continue the messaging and seemed as though i was more important. I dont think thats the case. Seems like an addiction. I know it was wrong to snoop, but ultimately it seemed i got my answer. I felt horrible about it. So does everyone think this is wrong? I am trying to see it from his view, but i can't seem to relate. And I can't compromise my morals and accept this behavior.</p>

At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion matters here is yours.  If you think this is wrong, then it is.

Stop trying to see it from his side. He does not possess your morals, which means you two are incompatible. You will twist yourself up like a pretzel trying to wrap your head around his actions. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 9:11am

Thank you for all your great responses, very helpful. I understand its ultimately what i feel is right. I appreciate the pep talk! Yes he is twisted, unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel less hurt. I am glad I got out unscathed for the most part. I cant help but to wonder why...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 2:50pm

You'll never know the real "why", and you need to stop wondering!  It's just preventing you from moving on.  Many years ago, I worked for a telephone service, and one of the people who's phones I answered was a psychiatrist.  Somtimes, when there was a slow time, we'd talk, and I once asked him why  people do these strange things.  I said something like "I can't even imagine" a reason.  And he said you will never understand it because you have a "normal" brain, and their brain isn't normal.  I live in a suburb of Cleveland, where those 3 girls had been held captive for over 10 years.  Here was a man who had a good job driving a school bus, and he was also a musician.  When he was younger, he was a very good looking man.  I'm sure being a musician (I have a couple of friends who are) there have been young attractive women THROWING themselves at him over the years......so why would he kidnap and hold 3 women hostage for all that time?  Even get them pregnant?  You and I will never understand why anyone would do that.......and you will never understand why your ex does what HE does.......because your brain is "normal" not twisted!!!  Don't give him ANY more thoughts.......he's not worth your time or energy!

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