Is this normal am i wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
Is this normal am i wrong?
13
Sat, 05-11-2013 - 5:31pm

Hi everyone, really need some help here. I know the answers maybe i just need confirmation. I had a BF for 3 months who asked to be exclusive pretty much right away. We moved a little fast but it was comfortable, talked about the future etc. All the time we dated, he was receiving, and responding to texts from women that contained naked pictures and suggestive type stuff. He also had a fake facebook where he was a girl and subscribed to swingers sites. The sad part, is other than that very weird stuff, he was a normal guy. That of course making him not so normal. I found the texts and pics by accident on his phone, then of course not feeling they went away i looked for them on occasion which i know is not good as i didn't trust him. he never stopped this. I went back and forth with this not working...after the last time it happened he said well I don't think this is going to work, you are never going to trust me. I love you and want to make you happy and I'm not sure I can do that. So what do you all make of this? I am really sad and hurt. I told him if i was good enough to talk marriage with, i was good enough to prove to that you can be trusted. I don't want to be with someone i can't trust. Maybe i need a pep talk..I also need to see both sides i guess because I am very much thinking I am completely right. Thank you for any input! 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 6:09pm

It's interesting that you use the word "normal." If you say the majority of the population doesn't engage in swinging (if that's what he wanted to do or maybe he just liked thinking about it) then swinging isn't normal--but I'm sure you couldn't pick out the people who do engage in that behavior (or S&M or other kinky kind of sex things) in a group.  Other than that situation, in their every day lives, they probably are perfectly normal---they have jobs, families, etc.  People have different standards of having sex.  I have a friend who's religious who won't have sex outside of marriage--that's probably a minority position today too but you wouldn't say it's morally wrong.  You just have to find someone whose moral standards are the same as yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2001
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 8:23pm

Yes, i know that i am using normal loosely...I guess yes, that's what i mean, morally. I don't pass judgment on what anyone wants to do..as all of you have said, it's time to find someone who meets my needs and has the same morals. The Ex texted me tonight and wants to talk, telling me all this will go away and he wants us. Not sure how to take it or if I should waste my time talking to him at this point.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 7:29am

mariaparatore wrote:
<p>Yes, i know that i am using normal loosely...I guess yes, that's what i mean, morally. I don't pass judgment on what anyone wants to do..as all of you have said, it's time to find someone who meets my needs and has the same morals. The Ex texted me tonight and wants to talk, telling me all this will go away and he wants us. Not sure how to take it or if I should waste my time talking to him at this point.</p>

What would be the point?  How exactly would it all go away? By him pretending to be someone he's not?  That won't last long. It will only last long enough for him to lull you back into a stupor.  What is required of him is to change, at his core, who he is; and you and he, at the core, are fundamentally different people whose definition of what is acceptable behavior in a relationship are at opposite ends of the universe.

He is who he is and what he does is not acceptable to you.

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