Not able to say I love you at 48 & more

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Not able to say I love you at 48 & more
8
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:06pm
I'm 40 yrs old, divorce 2 sons. One in college, the other one in hight school. I have been dating this 48 yrs old man for 9 months. He was married for 4 yrs, no children divorce in his early thirties.

He is a nice guy, but after 9 months you would think he would tell me that he loves me. He says that he is not sure that even if he love me he could say it. He does assures me that he likes me very much. But that is not enought for me. Am i wasting my time?

Other things are he is moody, sometimes he is nice and sometimes he could be nasty. I have to hold my self from asking simple questions sometimes cause i dont know how is going to answer me. For example the other day i called him around 4pm and by 7 there was no phone call from him. I called him at 730 cause i got worried and i said to you what happened? he replied to me in a nasty way saying oh i saw when u call but i was busy and i was going to call you back when i was going to call you back. I got hurt but not cause he did not call me back right away but becuase of the way he said it and his attitude.

Also I have met all of his family but never none of his friends. He says his friends are rude and that is why he does not want me to meet them. He has met my family and almost all of my friends. He is not very sociable i am, but i have giving up a lot cause i care for him.

Also he is looking for a place to buy and we stop in this open house and was telling hte lady what he wanted. He goes, you know i am a single guy. so the lady look at me and said to him how bout this beautiful young lady? and he said she is my lady but she has her own place. to me that tells me he does not see us in a future together.

When i tried to talk to him he just has no patience.

Please what do i do? I really care for him.




Edited 9/21/2004 3:17 pm ET ET by marialop2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:58pm
Why do you let this man talk to you this way? You are an adult woman who obviously has her head together with the wherewithall to raise two outstanding children. This man has had NO successful relationships and treats you like crap. He doesn't say "I love you" because he is too self-absorbed to love anyone but himself. You are wasting your time with this emotionally dead human-being. The reason you haven't met his friends is probably because he has none. Walk away with some dignity and dump this loser or you will end up with a broken heart and lower self-esteem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:52pm
marialop2004...

You might be the sweetest woman on the planet...but your man isn't going to recognize or acknowledge you. AT 48...he has a "mind-set" and (unfortunately) there's a nasty gremlin in his brain that is making him treat you like DIRT!

Do you have to take this? NOPE. Can you walk away not knowing if another man will find you desirable...or at least treats you better? ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT ONE! BUT...

If I was dating a woman who crabbed about everything and put me down, I would tell her that her behavior (and attitude) STINKS and it's making me very uncomfortable. Then I would give her the option of "cleaning up her act"---or saying "Hasta La Vista, Baby!"

Hope this helps you reach a decision about "Mr. Cranky?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:15pm
Douri,

As hard as it is you are right. When i got divorced the first time, it took me a long time to recover. I was a basket case, so lost. But then i worked and recover my self esteem,I went to school, graduated, got a great job, continued raising my boys; who by the way are great kids, bought my own car and my own condo.

This guy that i care about is going to have to see and appreciate the real me or go. Before i wrote on this board I had already put a deadline that i wont tell him abt. In the last two weeks I have been giving hints of how i feel and abt his attitude so he knows something is up and when November comes if things are the same. he is gone and i am getting on a plane and going on vacation! No tears from me, EVER!

Thanks,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:20pm
Pianoguy

Thanks! Is good to hear from the male point of view. As I said to Douri, on my reply, I have a deadline to see if he will at least change his attitude. As much as i care, i can also walk away. and this time i will just flight away!

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:03am
I don't know why you are giving him any more time and wasting anymore of your time. I know exactly where you are because I have been there myself. I went through a terrible divorce and raised two children alone as well. When I was your age I got involved with a man I thought I loved because I was afraid of being alone. I made the mistake of moving in with him. It was all about him and his happiness and how lucky I was to have him. Then one day my daughter looked at me after one of this guys degrading remarks to me and she said "Mom, why do you stay with him? He doesn't even like you." At that point I had a choice. I could make excuses for myself and him, thus teaching her that women put up with emotional abuse or I could show her how to have the courage to walk away. I never looked back. I made up my mind that if I had to I would live my life alone rather than to be treated like an afterthought. Today, five years later, I am engaged to a wonderful man who loves me the way I need to be loved.

I reccommend that you tell him today how you feel and tell him to straighten up immediately or forget about you. I doubt he will change, but you will feel better knowing you made the choice to end it. If you wait until November you will only be that much more emotionally attached and it will stall the healing process that much more. Good luck in whatever you decide. Keep me posted because I care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:03pm
Hi Douri,

I will talk to him as soon as I can. Today has been the day from hell for me. My uncle passed away, my dog all of a sudden cant walk (found out from the vet today that he has a genetic spinal disease) and to top the cake my company today announced lay-offs and guess what, I am affected. my last day is december 31. I will be positive and will see that as a new opportunity to explore other things.

so i really dont feel like seeing or being with anyone today. This weekend we are supposed to go to a wedding from his side and i will talk to him.

Thanks for caring!

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:37pm
Dear M,

My goodness, you have had a rough time of it, haven't you? When I spoke of "today" I just meantyou should act soon and when you are comfortable with the subject. Just don't have some date far in the future that he isn't aware of. Remember too, this is about you and your needs. It is not about fixing him.

I will say a special prayer for you tonight.

D~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:04pm
Dear Marialop,

Just curious. Have you made any progress in your relationship? I have been wondering if your fellow finally saw the light or not.