Not about a guy, its about my dad...
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| Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:41pm |
OK, so this isn’t so much about a relationship with a guy but it's about my relationship with my dad.
I’m 22 and my mom who died in september of 2006 had Multiple Scleroris since before I was born, she was actually diagnosed with it when she was pregnant with me.
So since I was 15 I took care of her full time, she was bed bound for the last 5 years, I actually dropped out of school in 8th grade for about 2 years, then eventually finished at a distance school sort of thing.
When I was about 16 I found out my dad was cheating on her. He and I had never been best friends, and when I found out about this our relationship was pretty much just a “hi”and “bye” until my mom passed away and my therapist encouraged me and my brother to tell him we knew. My brother (whos 7 years older than me) and his wife found out around the same time I did and they never told me cause my brother didnt want to tell me, and I didnt tell him I knew either. So about a month after my moms death, my brothers wife called my dad and told him we knew and that we should talk about it.
That week we went to dinner at my brothers and he gave us a speech, that was only partly true. He told us he had been with her for only 2 years, when in fact it had been about 6, he didnt even tell us that she was married too, and she was still married until her husband passed away almost an exact year after my mom did.
So, that talk didnt really fix anything. I just dont trust him, cause for 6 years he lied to me everyday, he was cheating on my mom and I knew, so he put me in the position of having to lie to her too everyday, and then when we give him a chance to come clean, he lies to us again. So since then, things are still tense between us.
After a few months, he actually got my brother and his wife to meet this woman, my brother didnt want to at first, but then my dad basically went to his house unannounced with her and he had no choice. Then he introduced her to his sisters, who he told the same “version” he told us, etc.
And hes been trying to get me to meet her too, but I just have no interest and ive told him this. Im fine with it, he can do whatever he wants, but I just dont want to be a part of this. And I have no interest in meeting the woman he cheated on my mom with, who called my house for 6 years and hung up everytime i answered. Who fu**ed up my life, because he was with her instead of taking care of my mom, so I had to be the one to take care of her, and become basically her nurse. I wont even go into the details of everything I had to do, but im sure you can imagine what taking care of someone whos bed ridden consists of. I had pretty much no friends, no boyfriend, my whole life was taking care of my mom.
For the last year and a half, ive been preparing to go to school in the US, something ive always wanted to do and can finally do. Which my dad doesnt really want me to do.
So he moved in with her about 6 months ago, he actually stopped coming home every night after her husband died, he started coming home only 3 times a week, then 1, and then eventually moved out
Now, hes calling me these last few weeks, telling me hes sad, hes depressed that im not part of his life, that when my brother and his family go over to his house he feels bad because im not there too. He says he wants us all to be a family again, that i have to accept that shes part of the family now too and she wants to meet me. He says hes sad everyday and he thinks of me everyday, that he loves me and doesnt want to lose me, etc.
Now he told me that this Wednesday is her birthday and hes inviting my brother and his family over to their house and he wants me to be there too to sing to her happy birthday. That they are gonna feel really bad if Im not there.
I really dont want to go, I have no interest in meeting her and I never will.
So the reason I post this is because I dont know what to do. Am I so wrong in not wanting to meet her? I guess im also asking, what would you do in my situation? He says that im too young, that i can have my own life but he still wants to be a part of it, bla bla bla.
I just dont really know what to do, so I thought maybe I could get some advise or at least some opinions on this whole matter. Thank you.

Welcome to the board marianad2004,
You have a lot of grief and anger built up over the years and I don't blame you.
I can understand why you feel the way you do. I don't agree at all with what he did either.
I think if you want to be able to maintain some type of a relationship with him, you will have to accept her. Whether you want to have that relationship with him or not is up to you. He is going to be gone some day as well, and if you don't, you may regret it when he is gone.
I think if you decide to have a relationship with him, it would help to sit down and have a heart to heart adult talk with him. Let him know all the things you have mentioned here that bothered you such as his leaving you to take care of your mother. Don't do it as an attack on him, but do it respectfully in order to get things off your chest. Then try to listen with an open mind to his point of view. You probably will never agree with it, but you might find that you are able to understand it. After you have stated your point of view and heard him out, you might have a better sense of what type of relationship, if any, you would want to have with him. Good luck.
Welcome to the board marianad2004,
I am going to tell you what happened between my dad and my sister and I and hope that maybe it will be able to help you some.
My dad had gotten married to his 3rd wife and she had left him because of his drinking problem and because he had physically abused her (either of which was new
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