not communicating...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2008
not communicating...
5
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 3:00pm

Hi,


My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years now. We have a healthy and strong relationship for the most part and care about each other a great deal.


However, we keep running into the same "communication" issues all of the time. And each time we tackle the subject I feel more disconnected and frustrated. I read somewhere that couples argue over 70% of the same things throughout the duration of their relationship. The thought that this issue will persist and not get better worries me extensively.


So here is the issue: When we are having a conversation, I feel like my bf is constantly trying to prove himself to me by arguing any point in the world to death, until he

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 3:47pm

Welcome to the board greengirl83,


Is counseling an option?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 4:35pm

I agree, counseling would be a great idea, so you can see if the two of you can learn a different way of interacting with each other.


Before choosing a counselor, I'd suggest reading the latest books by John Gottman and Terrence Real, as well as Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix, and get a counselor who's been trained by one of them (see which one resonates with you the most).


One thing you can do in the meantime is refuse to engage with him.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 5:22pm

Of course this kind of behavior is exhausting and also demeaning. It sounds like a power struggle on his part. He wants to establish his dominance, his smarts, that he knows better than you, and your views are wrong. There's nothing valuable or healthy about this kind of communication, it's a kind of attack. And yes, if he does this with everyone, it's not personal to you, but part of who he is. That said, it doesn't mean that it is a healthy way to be. And, unless he personally doesn't like the way he is, is uncomfortable with it, his behavior will not change. Change only happens when the individual want to make a strong committment to getting help and making changes.


So, this is it and there's no reason to expect it to be different. You can explain to him all you like, if it's fundamental to who he is, that's how he'll be. It's very important for you to honestly see how this affecting you in all ways. Is it wearing down your self esteem? Does it effect you socially? Even though you love him, if this behavior is negative and hard to take, he may not be the right one for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Tue, 04-22-2008 - 5:33pm

I couldnt date someone who needed to feel so "on top" of a relationship that he beat every conversation down to an exhausing level.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2008
Wed, 04-23-2008 - 10:29am

Thank you for your replies.


We had a very long, serious,