Not exactly sure what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Not exactly sure what to do...
10
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 3:21am

I have been married for 5 years, belong to south east asian community, married in an arranged marriage system but did communicate online before marriage with spouse and now we have a toddler.

Right after marriage we had problems such as my partner was extremely egoistic, miserly and had these unrealistic expectations mixed with control issues. I was continuously seeking a way out by looking for jobs in europe, getting it and then leaving it because at the last minute I would decide to give the marriage a chance. Three years after marriage, when I had ultimately decided to leave, I found out I was pregnant. So the choice was to stay and see if we could work out. But after the birth of my daughter, things went even downhill. I think I had some sort of post-pregnancy emotional problems because I couldnt handle the insinuations or verbal abuse that my spouse and his parents doled out to me so I was prone to sudden crying fit or expressing anger etc.. Consequently my work suffered and I lost my job. One of the common accusations that my husband would say is that I was a bad mother because I couldnt breast feed my daughter for long and would compare with his friends spouse who were doing it more regularly. I was fit during pregnancy but post pregnancy I had gained a lot of weight, so he would through disparaging remarks on my looks. When I lost my job, his remarks became more hurtful saying I was a liability etc...

Any long story short, two years later, his one remark stuck me saying that he wished I rather had an affair than share my confidences with my mother. I knew then and now, that affairs have higher probability of destroying a family structure so I was deeply hurt. Just for you to note, since conception of my daughter, we had absolutely no intimacy whatsoever not that it was great before but it everything stopped. Anyway after this, I started being more selfish in taking some time away, exercising and have become reasonably fit. Now with a good job there is some level of confidence, despite that our intimacy has still shot to piece, just that the accusations are different, what i earn is pocket change or that I spend less time with my daughter or that we both cant be spending so much time outside home and one has to sacrifice etc.. Earlier it used to be verbal abuse but by now it was lot of pushing, smacking and hitting. Once so much that my left shoulder to arm was so bruised that I couldnt lift it up. He never apologised nor checked on me but is insistent that I deserved it since I was continuously arguing which is true and I pointed out that I argue only when he accuses me wrongly. In this case I was arguing because he accused me of being indiscriminately independent and buying the cycle. I have a benefit scheme at work to buy an exercise equipment with a deadline, I waited for him to give me an alternative option to my cycle buying idea. His side of the story is that he doesnt have time to think of alternative options and wanted me to come up with them. To which I said I dont see any other alternative and if he has any, then I would get that rather than a cycle. When he didnt give me that options and during the last date of deadline I went ahead and bought the cycle. I had kept him informed every step of the way but he still maintains that I never told him or rather I wasnt explicit enough and acted totally on my own without considering family opinion and thus I am wrong and thus I deserved the beating. According to him he has tolerated so much injustice in the marriage because of me and thus cannot take it anymore. I agree at times I do argue but only when I am accused in very disparaging, aggressive remarks and wrongly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 6:11am

Sigami, I'm so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:39am

Hi,

Thanks you. I'll try answer as honestly as possible;

First and foremost, is divorce an acceptable option in your culture?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:58am
You are aware that had you sought medical attention after he hit you. Your Dh would have been arrested for assault and possibly charged. In the US this type of treatment of spouses is not at all tolerated. I do understand that you are living with Indian Culture. But you are also living under American law,and that affords you both certain rights and expectations.

In addition to this. Under American law,it is your responsibility to protect your DD from harm. Please keep that in mind.

I will admit I do not know enough of your culture. But I would encourage you regardless to get out of that abusive environment. You have certain right and protection under US law. And while I do understand you don't want to shame your family. No one should live in fear either.

You can seek divorce and child custody agreements through American courts. It may be more complicated if the marriage was made in a different country. But there is a process you can utilize. And given what you described, you have valid reason to pursue.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 10:39am

Hi, my heart breaks for you in your situation. There is a desi blogger website that I think will be beneficial for you, "Desi Girl's Guide to Relationship Survival" in which she talks a lot about domestic violence. I'm not sure of her exact story but I think she is a desi woman who has insight on abusive relationships.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 11:07am

You can actually get divorced in the US even if you were married in India--it's not more complicated at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 11:31am

No matter what culture you're from, if you live in the United States or Canada, there are LAWS to protect women from physical and mental abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 11:48am

Hello All,

Thanks for your replies. I do understand that physical abuse is a very evocative subject. I truly believe in what everbody says here on this forum. i never in my all my life imagined that I would be in such a situation nor did I ever imagine that i would have this feeling of indecision or helplessness.

But people who go through this I believe must have gone through few stages. For me, right now since it changed from verbal to physical in the last 6 months, I am still in disbelief that this could happen to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 11:52am

Coming here too has taken me a lot of effort to just reach out and i believe its one of the steps i am taking to sort of get to grips with whats happening. I cannot tell you how difficult it has been to talk even online.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 3:10pm
What you have shared so far shows a husband that will use any excuse to afflict himself on you. When work its not enough,or takes too much time from the family. When you don't work, you are a burden. He will use whatever reason he wants, please keep that in mind.

A lot of people find journaling to be incredibly therapeutic and helpful. Would this be something you would be willing to try?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 3:26pm

Hello Izzy,

I did try but it didnt go far along perhaps I am lazy or maybe I use too much work as an excuse. Earlier I used to be so angry towards him for what became of my life. But I dont care, I feel senseless only when the hurt is physical or social, does it penetrate.

Everytime we talk now, I feel that he has so much hatred or anger towards me so I avoid talking most of the time and actually that has helped me keep my daughter's sleep time at a regular schedule since I go to bed at the same time and she sleeps in my cot. But I understand that this isnt really good for her too as she needs to become a little independent thou I enjoy chatting and hearing her toddler talk since i miss so much while I am at work, she always seems to have so much to say and is always animated, the highestpoint of my day :). I go to bed next to her at the same time to escape the tensions and also that he wouldnt hurt me if she is by my side.