Not feeling loved anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Not feeling loved anymore...
4
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:37pm
Hi everyone,

I got married 3 months ago to a very nice man. He is good to everyone as a person. But whenever we go out, he feels a need to check out all the attractive women out there. Recently we went to a friend's house for a party. I was all dressed up, and drove there with a warm feeling of "newly-married" bliss. Things were good for a while, and my husband was even asked to be the photographer for the event, as he is a close friend of the host. Just then, a very beautiful woman walked in. From then on, everything went downhill for me - I noticed my husband looking at her every now and then, and he kept clicking a lot of photos that included her very clearly. Much to my dismay, he didnt try to take even a single photo of mine - I just happened to be in some photos in which she is seen clearly and I am somewhere in the background with my back/side turned to the camera... I'm not even there in many of the snaps. Later on when I confronted him, he said that he was only taking photos of people who were in groups, and since I wasnt talking much to people there (I was meeting a lot of people for the first time there, and I'm a little shy with strangers), he didnt take my snap. That hurt a lot - he is my husband - newly married too - does he really need an excuse to take my photo? Why on earth do I need to be in a group talking to people to be photographed by own husband? He added that since the camera was the host's, he couldnt just use it for his personal use. Hey the camera was a digital one, and just one photo wouldnt have hurt! And what's worse, he has actually taken photos of individuals (not in groups). So why was I excluded? I was feeling very low all day, but he was just having fun all the time. When the party ended, we had a big fight (in private) and he thinks "we have problems", and so "we should go see a counsellor". I dont think we need a counsellor - I just think he's a jerk. I dont understand how a man can be a jerk when it comes to sensitivity and romance, and is yet a very nice gentle person otherwise. Everyone around me thinks he is a great guy. Am I over-reacting? HE want like this before marriage! Right now I feel like going away from him, dont want to see him again... I really expected my husband to be more loving and warm at the party... I'm hurting very badly. Please help! Should I stay in this miserable situation and try to work it out or get out of it real quick? How should I handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:01pm
I understand your feelings. I agree your husband should be sensitive to them. If you are feeling insecure and you and your husband are unable to resolve this on your own, then I think that counselling can't hurt. You do love him and have committed to this marriage for better or worse. Communication is key, so don't walk away, work this out with him. If you don't, your fears may become a reality. I wish you the best and hope that you can both be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 5:31pm
Hi aurora243,

Thanks a lot for your advice. He noticed that I was still hurting, and then we had a long talk last night. He apologised a lot, and assured me that he would be more sensitive, and that he would never hurt me again. He badly wants to save our marriage, and so do I. So we patched things up, and we are doing ok now. Nevertheless, even now I still hurt whenever I think of what happened. He always keeps telling me how "hot" I am, but in public - he showed me that he was capable of not even noticing me. That day I wanted him to feel like showing me off to his friends (as I would if we were among my friends), to be totally excited about being there with me, having eyes only for me... you know - the works. After our talk, he assured me that I had only to let him know how I felt, and he would behave accordingly. That's nice, but I don't really want to be telling him how to feel - I just want it to come from his own heart. And that such little things needed to be "told" to him that day - well that still hurts anyways. The bottom line is, just like every woman wants to feel beautiful in her hubby's eyes, so do I. And I'm realizing that's not going to be the case for me, just after 3 months of marriage. That's depressing. Communication-wise, I can only express that I'm hurt, when such an incident happens (which will, because people hardly change their basic nature, even if they want to). It would sound silly for me to tell him "Hey pay attention to me!" The plain truth is, I'm not beautiful in his eyes when we go out. And I don't want to force him to notice me either, coz that would be pathetic. Now whenever he pays me a compliment, I have a hard time believing that he means it :( Overnight I've turned into one skeptical human being. I just wish I wasn't so vulnerable!

I realize I'm sounding somewhat childish, but I just wanted to let out my frustration... Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:26pm
I'm glad you talked to your hubby. Communication is so important. I feel the same way you do about the fact that we shouldn't have to tell our partners how we want them to feel, that it should come from their hearts. I have learned that a lot of men have no clue though -- some of my good friends that are men have told me this too! So it's OK I think, to speak your mind some of the time, as long as you don't have to do it ALL the time.

Maybe you should try some positive reinforcement. Instead of doubting his feelings when he gives you a complement, thank him for it! Tell him it makes you feel good to hear it. And treat him like you want to be treated as well. You said he is a nice man, so I'm sure he means what he says. If you are feeling insecure, perhaps his suggestion for counseling might help. At the very least, the counselor can offer advice on how to handle these situations as they arise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 6:40pm
Thanks again, aurora243!

It feels good to have my feelings validated by another woman :)

Yes I'll try to work on your suggestions.

Thank you very much.