Not in a good place...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Not in a good place...
3
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:58pm

On the weekend, my husband,myself and 2 teens went to his brothers 50th B-Day party. My children did not want to go. Other than their 2 cousins, they really don't see these people. The week prior, I had said they could go for a couple hours and leave early. There were relatives, old friends and business colleagues and their daughters/sons in attendance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:24pm
I don't see how you 'wronged him' but that's me.

Tell him everything his kids do is NOT a reflection on him - bad or good. Geez. No wonder kids don't know how to be their own persons.

My sister lets her kids leave family functions, even skip some, because they are independent. My bf's one brother allows his daughter to miss some family functions too... even if SOME of the family doesn't approve.

The flip side of course is that if you FORCE them to stay, they become resentful too.

I'm surprised he didn't ask you why you were taking two cars.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:48pm
What did you tell him was the reason for taking two cars?

I think he is overreacting. While it would have been best to get his opinion on whther it was o.k. for the kids to leave the event, you as a parent made a decision. He didn't resepct that or their discomfort with attending or the compromise that was made.

What do you think the real issue is here with him? Why did he react so strongly? Are there other instances of him not feeling respected and this was the last straw? Did the kids worry aboput his getting angry because he gets angry often?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:03pm
I too see his reaction as maybe being a bit overboard, but that's me.

I think the problem here is communication. You made a unilateral decision without any communication with your husband. However you want to say it, you were wrong in not communicating with your husband. Clearly it upset him that they left early. If you had discussed it with him prior to giving an answer, the problem would have been avoided.

If you RSVP for a catered function there is a cost to the people that are throwing the party and I think it is wrong to RSVP that you will be there and then leave early. It is like you believe it is okay to throw someone else's money away. If they had asked about it when RSVPing that would be different, but clearly he RSVPd that 4 people would be

there when really only two were. Sometime kids have to do things they don't want to and that is part of being a kid/teen. When they are adults, they can decide whether or not to go to something like this.

Clearly he believed it was important enough of an event (brother's 50th birthday party) to require the two teens (his whole family) to be there. Kids can be resentful, but they also are flexible enough to understand and get over having to do something they don't want to (unless of course it is something clearly inappropriate - which is not the case here). Even the daughter knew enough to ask whether this decision would upset him!!!

I also don't know if this is on point at all, but maybe because it was "your" daughter and not "his" daughter and you made the decision on your own, without communicating with him. That he did end up with pie in his face; the feeling that it isn't really his family if he doesn't even know where "his" kids are, that they've left the party.

Sorry for all of this as you are not really asking why you were wrong, so much as how you can fix it.....

I think it would be best to communicate with him like:

"I'm very sorry that I told the kids they could leave early with out asking you about it first. I understand how that can make you feel embarrassed and I understand that it was my lack of communication with you about this that caused this problem. I want to you to know that I didn't think that this would cause a problem - I didn't mean to embarrass you and I'm sorry. I will try my best to communicate better in the future, but please forgive me as I am only human and I do make mistakes.

What else can I do to make this all better between us? I want everything back the way it was before this (in your words), I want your love back - and I don't know what else I can do other than tell you I'm very sorry."

I think, like all of us, he wants to be understood and right. If you can make him feel both of those it will be water under the bridge. I don't think it is at all about a loss of respect for you.




Edited 10/12/2004 11:52 pm ET ET by lled2