"not his priority" Help Please
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:45pm |
I have been w./ my bf a little over 1 1/2 years but it has not been 100% wonderful the entire time. He seems to go about 6 months and then act out on our relationship. He will go out and get girls numbers and he has even cheated on me. He cheated on me about 6 months ago and I felt that he was sorry so I "forgave" him. About a month ago he went out to a bar and got some girls phone number. I found the paper w./ her number on it and confronted him...he told me she just gave it to him which I found out to be a lie. He said that he wouldn't talk to her again but 2 nights later he went to the same bar and asked her for her number AGAIN. I don't get it??? He said that he had no intention of EVER calling her so why would he do it. I don't think he necessarily would have called her either and neither do friends.
It just seems as if for the past few months that everytime he goes out, I stay at home. It is always a "guy thing" and I am never included anymore. We use to go out together all of the time to bars and whatnot but not lately. I told him that it bothers me but nothing has been readjusted to fix it. I hate it! I do not have any friends in the area that I live and he has tons so it's not like I can out w.o./ him.
My problem now is yesterday. He had a bad day at work and I understand that but he was blowing me off like I meant nothing to him. He was having a guys night last night so I just waited for him to come aruond and call me. When he did he was rude to me. I asked him if anyone was around him and he said "no." I asked him when we would be able to talk again and he said "maybe later, maybe tomorrow." He told me that talking to me was not a priority!!!! What is w./ that???!!! It wound up that he called me a few hours later and after 1 minute he was rushing me off the phone by saying, "bye, bye, bye, bye...." and so on. One of his friends was in the room (all guys) which he said no one was in there! I asked him why he was being like that and he said "I don't know," I told him that he was being mean and he said, "I know!" He was on IM so I wrote to him knowing damn well that his friends were in there and reading it so I went on about how he was disrespectful to me and put me on display infront of his friends. If they weren't there he would have told me all about his day and been nice so why the act infront of his friends??
A few hours later (around 2am) he wrote to me and told me that he wanted me to come over...feeling a little guilty for his actions, I think. I then called him to talk and he was automatically RUDE AGAIN.
I wrote him an e-mail hours ago asking if he wanted to do lunch but he never wrote me back :(
Why the act infront of his friends. Is it a guy thing that they wanna see how far they can push it infront of people????
Oh did I mention that I HATE his secretary at work...LOL That is for another post...recovering drug addict, calls him after hours and now joined the same sports team as him. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Carrie
As for the rest, the short answer is NO. Its not a "guy thing" to be a cheating mind screwer...thats just *your* boyfriend.
You don't take a cheater back, you can forgive him but please let him go and live with his choices. Because if you can be faithful to him? then he has absolutely NO excuse to cheat on you. When your biggest fear is of losing people, you're all but broadcasting that you'll stay no matter what, taking whatever they dish. Which is why, if you're going to have a biggest fear, it should be of being treated like dirt. At least then you'll stick up for yourself.
But that aside. Why will you choose to date a clearly immature man who has to put on a show for his friends at your expense? What is it about him that attracts you?
You made me regret even asking for advice. This forum is for people to ask advice about their relationships and not to be judged. Yes, I admire the fact that his secretary is trying to recover from her addiction. I have no respect that she felt the need to join his team is what I was getting at. How would you all feel if a 21 year old, skinny, secretary came to work for your mate and just "had" to join his sports team. It has nothing to do w./ him. He did not hire her so there is no justifying that.
Everyone else,
I guess I shouldn't have posted since I didn't paint an accurate portrait of our relationship. You know the whole saying "once a cheat, always a cheat." I don't believe it since I am proof that it means nothing. I cheated on my ex and would NEVER cheat on anyone ever again. That is why I gave my bf a second chance. No matter how stubborn people are and no matter how much they say "if (s)he ever cheated on me, I wouldn't take him back"...is total bs. Think long and hard if your mate cheated on you and then showed you that they were sorry. How hard would it be for you to walk away when the person you are w./ means the world to you????
No she did not fall on his penis to whoever said that. It very discouraging when you ask advice and all you get is "This post makes me laugh" and "cheating mind screwer." It's great that people care so much and are really here to help and not to put down...I hope you sense the sarcasm.
:: He will go out and get girls numbers and he has even cheated on me. He cheated on me about 6 months ago and I felt that he was sorry so I "forgave" him. About a month ago he went out to a bar and got some girls phone number. I found the paper w./ her number on it and confronted him...he told me she just gave it to him which I found out to be a lie. He said that he wouldn't talk to her again but 2 nights later he went to the same bar and asked her for her number AGAIN. I don't get it??? He said that he had no intention of EVER calling her so why would he do it. I don't think he necessarily would have called her either and neither do friends.
He lied to you. He can't give you a good reason for his behavior because he probably doesn't know what motivates him well enough to explain it to you. He gets other girls numbers because 1) it strokes his ego to know that he can get another woman's number, 2) because he likes their attention, and/or 3) he may decide to cheat again.
::It just seems as if for the past few months that everytime he goes out, I stay at home. It is always a "guy thing" and I am never included anymore. We use to go out together all of the time to bars and whatnot but not lately. I told him that it bothers me but nothing has been readjusted to fix it. I hate it! I do not have any friends in the area that I live and he has tons so it's not like I can out w.o./ him.
He's leaving you out of his life. He's excluding you. He's doing what he wants as a 'single' guy, instead of coming from a 'couple's' mindset. He doesn't think anything is wrong with what he is doing. He will say or do anything to justify his actions and choices. Check out www.craigslist.org and meet some like-minded people, people that have the same interests as you.
::My problem now is yesterday. He had a bad day at work and I understand that but he was blowing me off like I meant nothing to him. He was having a guys night last night so I just waited for him to come aruond and call me. When he did he was rude to me. I asked him if anyone was around him and he said "no." I asked him when we would be able to talk again and he said "maybe later, maybe tomorrow." He told me that talking to me was not a priority!!!! What is w./ that???!!! It wound up that he called me a few hours later and after 1 minute he was rushing me off the phone by saying, "bye, bye, bye, bye...." and so on. One of his friends was in the room (all guys) which he said no one was in there! I asked him why he was being like that and he said "I don't know," I told him that he was being mean and he said, "I know!" He was on IM so I wrote to him knowing damn well that his friends were in there and reading it so I went on about how he was disrespectful to me and put me on display infront of his friends. If they weren't there he would have told me all about his day and been nice so why the act infront of his friends??
Even if he's putting on an act, a show for his friends, proving he's not 'controlled' by a woman, whipped, whatever you want to call it, his behavior is inexcusable. It's rude. His actions, behavior and choices are speaking volumes about how he feels about the relationship. It's not a priority to him.
::A few hours later (around 2am) he wrote to me and told me that he wanted me to come over...feeling a little guilty for his actions, I think. I then called him to talk and he was automatically RUDE AGAIN.
So he just wanted you to show up for sex, but didn't want to have a conversation with you?
::I wrote him an e-mail hours ago asking if he wanted to do lunch but he never wrote me back :(
Now he's ignored you.
::Oh did I mention that I HATE his secretary at work...LOL That is for another post...recovering drug addict, calls him after hours and now joined the same sports team as him. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After your second post, I'd say that she's interested in him, looking for someone to hang out with, etc.... but she's the least of your worries.
I know it hurts, that he's hurting you, you have the power to make it stop. You refuse to play the game. Take yourself out of the equation. You can't love him enough for him to make you a priority. You have to make YOU a priority and set boundaries even if that means ending things with him so that he know his behavior towards you is unacceptable to you. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
Look at it this way, he's doing what he wants to do, that includes:
- ignoring you
- being rude to you
- leaving you out of life
- collecting other girl's numbers
- lying to you
- cheating on you
As nicely as possible, what do you admire and respect about this man?
Edited 4/29/2004 10:55 pm ET ET by itwinflame
Carrie
Why would you believe one single thing that he tells you? Because you WANT to, not because you should. He has proved to you that he doesnt care what you think (not a priority) keeps lying to you, and you believe that he wont cheat? Honey, are you listening to yourself? This man is totally toxic and YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER THAN BEING MISTREATED, but it is YOUR CHOICE on whether or not you are. He will only hurt you and mistreat you as long as you take it. Thats plain common sense, think of it. You are letting him batter your self-esteem, lie to you repeatedly, totally ignore you and your feelings and your wants in this relationship and you are just helping him to walk all over you by lying down for him. Get up and get out of here if you want to be happy. The memories of 'what was' are all that is keeping you there. Love and comfort are not the same thing. Plus, we have all fell in love with the wrong man, that doesnt make him the right one just because we care for the. Being a woman means that you have to make decisions based on your NEEDS for a healthy relationship, not your wants.
You deserve to be treated with RESPECT, kindness, compassion, love and security in any relationship. Do you have even ONE of these? Because I dont see them. I know that you dont like to hear it, but you are going to HAVE to stand up for yourself, because someone will hurt you only as much as you condone. If you dont like his treatment of you, show him. And show him permanently. Get out of there and be good to yourself. Is this how little that you expect out of love? Is this what you want for forever? These feelings of hurt and disrespect and downright meanness? Oh honey, you're worth tons more and there are people out there that will give exactly what you need to you and you are keeping them at bay by being with Mr Nasty!
I let someone treat me that way. I divorced him after he abused me mentally, physically, everything. I know that anger isnt something that we like to see in ourselves but honey you MUST take up for how you are treated. Saying that you love someone is the easy part - that is just words. This boy has not proved love for you in any of his actions. He wouldnt even treat his FRIENDS that way, yet he is treating YOU that way. The one that he is supposed to love above all others. He cant even stay honorable with you and he is hurting you and the longer you take it, it will ruin your self-image and your expectations of fair treatment. Kick his butt to the curb with the rest of the garbage and remember that you, just like everyone else, deserves to be loved in a way that doesnt hurt you. He's mean, he's hurtful, he's cruel and he's damaging you. If he disrespects you around his friends, what is he doing around others who dont know about you?
You deserve to be loved and that is not what you have here.
i can only give you advices and hopefully you would consider. what you guys had, it's in the past. if he's not treating you well now, don't depend on him treating you well in the future. girl, you gotta live in the moment, the now. if you are not having fun, not fulfilled with this guy, then why are you staying? ask yourself, what are you getting out of this relationship?
i've been in your shoes. though we didn't cheat on each other, he would have second thoughts. he sounded rude on the phone; he'd rather hang out with his friends. he wasn't always like that. for the first 6 months of this relationship, i felt my life was complete. he was sweet, sexy, would always make up for the downs... but in the end... you can't change who you are and what you want. you can't change the fact that you want more out of the relationship than he is willing to offer, and he can't change the fact that he cannot devote. he might wish he could, but there are other things he cannot help. doesn't make too much sense. but... sometimes you gotta learn to let go to find love. one day, you will finally declare you will not take it any longer. it's simply wasting your energy and you know you are ready to move on to something better.
i hope that day isn't too far away for you.
and im sure you've heard of the saying that if you love something and let it go, if it comes back, thats how you know. try to let go.
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